AIBU for being annoyed my daughter’s friend acts like nothing’s wrong?

So this is when your daughter has a party and invite everyone but her. Maybe that will make her think- actions and consequences.

Bloody hell, this is a bit strong.
Can we maybe use a bit less misogyny!
"Snivelling cunts" is just grim.

Id tell her to ask someone else in the group who she would be closest to or is the nicest, if she doesn't feel she can ask directly. It's so hard, I have a teen girl too and I hate all the games

This is really hard, but encourage your daughter to not take it personally. If she's not done anything wrong then the issue is with the friend.

It could be anything, including jealousy, meaning that she finds your DD an easy target for her contempt. Or simply not enjoying her company any more for no other reason than their personalities are growing apart, unnoticed by DD.

Friendships are mostly fickle, and teenagers can be emotional and irrational. Also, this is a good life lesson that nobody is owed friendship, they can end for any reason, and good friends are hard to find. The other girls aren't obligated to punish themselves by staying away from a party just because DD isn't invited. It's not pleasant, but it's life.

I suspect if your DD confronted the girl, the friends would side with the other girl and act like DD is causing trouble. People almost always side with the stronger personality. I think DD is making the right decision by quietly carrying on like nothing has happened. But in the mean time, she should make an effort to cultivate friendships elsewhere.

She should continue to put energy into friendships with the other girls, as it may be true that they just don't want to get involved. But she should quietly and subtly withdraw energy from the girl in question as much as she can without being noticed.

As in, when she is excluded? What did she tell you about those occasions?

@Flowerofdestiny can you describe how your daughter feels when this happens?

I feel for you Mum . It is almost as heartbreaking for you as well . The one girl is a nasty bitch . The others are too young and immature and perhaps fearful of standing up for your daughter even if they are unhappy about it . Please explain that to your daughter . It's nothing about her and all to do with the unexplainable dynamics in a group . Hopefully the other girls will wise up or the girl will be shown up for being nasty.

Nice girls do this stuff too. My friends were all nice, daughters of pastors, doctors and architects and the like but around 16 we all started getting into the rave scene. Those that werent into it we did leave out and didnt discuss what we were up to. I mean we had a great time, we just peaked a bit earlier than some of our peers. Our parents didnt have a clue. Its quite possible this is the case. They are just moving onto a different kind of party and know your daughter would not want to get involved.
I can't think of why else they would be perfectly happy to hang out with her at all other times except these parties.

Why does your daughter still invite her to her parties?

I definitely think this could be a point .
And they know your daughter is too sensible to get involved.
in which case : well done mum ❤️

They make some new friends in sixth form, usually people from their subjects. She just needs to let it go til then and focus more on the two who do like her. It is a shame but I doubt this girl will change. I think they learn to pick friends who treat them well eventually.

Some people are just weird I wouldn’t spend too much time analysing why. Agree it seems a shame to lose the whole group.

I am trying to think why thiw would happen and with 16 year olds perhaps the girl is into things that she knows your dd is totally against or would find shocking or would be really uncomfortable in the setting and be uncomfortable with the wider group the girl invited.
I am thinking drugs, alcohol, sex or particular type of boys.
Could this be the reason?

This is excellent advice OP.

id definitely encourage her to build up interests and friends outside that group

Im guessing shes either year 9 or year 10? If so it seems to be an absolute bitch fest those 2 school years. We're in the same place and although things are calm at the moment im always waiting for something to start up again.

Its often been my dd who gets left out whilst the rest of the group are included. Whilst its awful I've said to dd that apart from the one girl who's excluded her she mustn't think that they're all against her. At their age its really difficult to say "what about x, why isn't she included?"It doesn't mean they aren't her friends, just that they're a bit weak and thats ok they're just learning how to navigate things.

Interesting you should say that its the girl shes known the longest thats doing it, its the same here. I think its because she knows dd isn't going to kick up a fuss and isn't going to retaliate so its easy to pick on her. Years of knowledge about her personality means she knows whatever she does won't be called out. Its one of my biggest regrets as a parent that I didn't raise her to be outspoken or make people a bit uncomfortable when theyre being bitches.

This too shall pass, keep telling her that. Shes clearly got a great mum who cares and whilst this is hard shes close and comfortable enough with you to tell you what's going on. Dd and I have grown up girly days when the others are doing their thing. Shes only 14 but loves a spa trip or drinking mocktails in the Alchemist, all stuff she can put on Snapchat, if shes that way inclined, to show shes not at home upset but having a nice day without them.

Absolutely love this . Can you get her involved in a sport or hobby so these people seem less important. Girls can be horrible . My parents started me in diving classes when I was 13 as I was very bullied . Really improved my confidence. What about some sort of rangers or cadets or St John’s ambulance, rowing athletics. Girls rugby hockey football . Non traditional sports seem to have a more wholesome atmosphere. Table tennis badminton.

My advice is to encourage your daughter to interact as little as possible with the girl who excludes her. In the group, never go out of her way to greet the girl, ask how she is, compliment her - just grey rock her, but be vivacious with others. Stay friendly with the other girls. Don't bother asking why she's excluded or working out what she has done wrong. She's likely to have done nothing wrong. Some people simply can't feel good about themselves unless they are trying to make someone else feel isolated and insecure.

Encourage her to build friendships and interests outside the group and to gradually move away from it when she has the confidence to. And obviously, she doesn't need to feel any responsibility to invite this girl to any of her own parties or get togethers at your home.

Eventually she will have a strong friendship group of people who don't play horrible games like this. Until then, she needs to learn how to manage such people. If she encounters them at uni or at work or when she is trying to make friends with other new mums, she needs to feel confident that the best way to deal with them is minimal interaction, zero fucks about whether they like her and focus on people who behave well.

If she's finding out from others that she's been excluded, has she tried asking them, when the subject is raised "do you know why Tabitha didn't ask me to her party?"

I'm petty so I would probably organise a nice treat for my daughter and invite all her friends except the one who left her out - let her have a taste of her own medicine!

My daughter has this too. We’ve invited the child to three parties in two years and she hasn’t invited my daughter to any of hers. One of ours involved an expensive day out too!

Luckily the child is in another class at secondary so less important now but my daughter was still really disappointed to find out from other friends that a party had happened. Another one where we’ve known the child a long time as well and thought the family were decent people.

All she can do is find other friends I think. Easier said than done!