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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for being annoyed my daughter’s friend acts like nothing’s wrong?

82 replies

Flowerofdestiny · 05/10/2025 21:45

I’m struggling to know how best to support my teenage daughter as she tries to find a balance between being a polite, kind person but not being taken for a fool.

She has a very close group of friends who usually do everything together. But this is the second time one of them has had a big party and hasn’t invited her – leaving her as the only one in the group left out.

It hurts because there’s no obvious reason why she isn’t invited, and she doesn’t have the courage to ask. From what she tells me, everything between them seems normal; however, this particular friend still talks to her as if nothing has happened. But of course, my daughter finds out from the others that she’s been excluded.

It ruins the group outings for her too, because once she knows she’s been left out of something, she can’t enjoy the rest in the same way.

I’m not sure what advice to give. I know she needs to learn to manage these situations herself, but when things happen for no clear reason it frustrates me as well – even as an adult!

Sorry if this sounds trivial, but I’d really appreciate any words of advice or
guidance.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
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MushMonster · 08/10/2025 07:38

In my case, I do not think the other friends are to be blamed. I would encourage other group of friends, like hobby ones, because it is always better to have other circles. But I would not encourage to give way to low key pressure like this. I would encourage to stand firm, proud of who she is. Why change your life because a girl did not invite you to a party? That is silly!

MushMonster · 08/10/2025 07:35

One of the main drains in life and how abusers get by doing what they do is the "but why?" question. It is very hard. I know. The gist of it is to understand that the why is irrelevant to your DD. The actions is what matters and you match them, without investing any further bit of yourself. Otherwise, these people take energy from you, your mind space, your emotions, your sense of self worth... and for someone who is not worthy. At a zero cost to them. If your DD can come out of this being a "I give a damn" person about these issues, she will save so much emotional energy in her life!

Mom221 · 07/10/2025 10:45

BMW6 · 05/10/2025 22:00

I suggest you advise your dd to walk away from these frenemies and take up a hobby or activity to get a new interest and hopefully new - and real - friends!

What horrible people.

This op.
There’s no point to waste energy for people who don’t deserve it.
It seems quite toxic situation- better to avoid them and find a new normal friends.

Poorandbrilliant · 07/10/2025 10:41

I lost friends in my teens because I had standards and still do.
They knew I wouldn't have sex take drugs etc

BlackBeltInOrigami · 06/10/2025 22:32

But apart from this girl, the others prefer not to take sides
But they are taking sides by going to these parties and not calling out the exclusionary behaviour.

Pinkmoonshine · 06/10/2025 21:20

This happened to me at 13 and again amazingly by a close cousin at 22! It damaged me quite a lot but I have lately come to understand that it was jealousy and insecurity on the part of the main actors. I was both really very pretty and academic - but shy.

anyway, make sure your daughter realises it is not about her but about the other person having a problem. My husband told me this when I was 35 and it was a real penny drop moment. Before then I honestly thought it was all my own fault.

Helen1625 · 06/10/2025 20:46

I have no words of wisdom to offer but just wanted to say I felt every word of what you wrote. My daughter is 16 too, and we've been through situations very similar to what you describe. It hurts like hell, doesn't it? I could share with you so many examples of when so called 'friends' have done the most unkind things and you just think 'why?'

I mostly keep out of it, I have made it quite clear that if ever there's a time that she wants me to intervene, then I will. Other than that, it's just hand holding, hugs and words of advice when she needs to talk about it.

On one occasion, with one girl who was being particularly spiteful, I stepped in. My daughter didn't want me to, but it was the only way the problem was going to stop, it was already getting out of hand. I am usually respectful of her wishes - as you have been - but the situation required adult intervention.

I think with this situation that your daughter finds herself in, I would keep out of it, for now. It's hard though, when your child hurts, you hurt.

GagMeWithASpoon · 06/10/2025 20:12

Some reasons why this is happening

Whatever this girl is into/the theme of the party is , it’s something your daughter would disapprove of , or has been critical of before , or isn’t her thing.

This girl actually doesn’t like your daughter that much anymore. They grew up, they like different things (or not) and probably would’ve grown apart if it wasn’t for the group.

The girl is jealous of your daughter/insecure about her own position in the group so she’s trying to establish herself as front and centre, especially on an occasion like her birthday/a party.

What your daughter can do:

Calmly, but clearly confront the girl and ask what’s going on.

Build other friendships outside of this particular group. Either at school or through clubs, volunteering, hobbies etc.

Stay friendly and close with everyone and polite and civil to this girl.

Wimin123 · 06/10/2025 20:03

Cinaferna · 05/10/2025 23:14

My advice is to encourage your daughter to interact as little as possible with the girl who excludes her. In the group, never go out of her way to greet the girl, ask how she is, compliment her - just grey rock her, but be vivacious with others. Stay friendly with the other girls. Don't bother asking why she's excluded or working out what she has done wrong. She's likely to have done nothing wrong. Some people simply can't feel good about themselves unless they are trying to make someone else feel isolated and insecure.

Encourage her to build friendships and interests outside the group and to gradually move away from it when she has the confidence to. And obviously, she doesn't need to feel any responsibility to invite this girl to any of her own parties or get togethers at your home.

Eventually she will have a strong friendship group of people who don't play horrible games like this. Until then, she needs to learn how to manage such people. If she encounters them at uni or at work or when she is trying to make friends with other new mums, she needs to feel confident that the best way to deal with them is minimal interaction, zero fucks about whether they like her and focus on people who behave well.

This 🙌

Horses7 · 06/10/2025 19:50

YANBU
I would feel like you - it’s absolutely normal that you and your daughter are upset by this.
Your daughter needs to speak privately to this ‘friend’ and ask what’s going wrong with their friendship.
Is it worth you having a friendly word with the other mum if you feel you know her well enough?
I’m sure you’ll get good advice on this thread but your daughter needs to know it’s normal to feel sad about it.

independentfriend · 06/10/2025 18:52

Stuff you can do:

  • Help her find other groups of friends outside of school - could be a hobby, a volunteering role, a job. Could be something online or in person etc.

  • If she's in Year 11 help her apply to multiple sixth form places - give her the option to end up somewhere different from the nasty person.

  • Establish a code word so you can rescue her from trips out she's not enjoying. You can phone and ask her to come home for a made up 'emergency'.

  • Don't make a fuss if she comes home early - if she's with people and isn't enjoying it, she's perfectly entitled to walk away and do something else / make up another commitment / headache.

  • Make home fun / relaxing - it's a different rather than a worse option to going out with friends.

andanotherproblem · 06/10/2025 18:35

I had a similar situation when I was younger, I was in a group of around 6 friends we all did everything together, one of the girls was my cousin and it took me a while to realise but she was purposely leaving me out, telling the others I couldn’t make it etc, she was jealous

CommonAsMucklowe · 06/10/2025 18:32

Endofyear · 05/10/2025 23:08

I'm petty so I would probably organise a nice treat for my daughter and invite all her friends except the one who left her out - let her have a taste of her own medicine!

Same here!

TheaBrandt1 · 06/10/2025 17:37

I think you’re judging your mum too harshly. Mums have minimal power over friendships for primary aged children let alone teens. And that’s even if the other mum listens to the complaint - the culture now is very much parent backing child whatever no questions asked. So pretty futile not to mention embarrassing to involve mummy. You risk making it all much worse.

Emiliana52 · 06/10/2025 16:54

I had this happen to me at school. It really affected me. I wish my Mum had said something to the other mum. I still hold it as an issue deep down because I felt my mum could and should have said something about how it made me feel but she was too worried about the state of her friendship than my feelings.

Original poster
Flowerofdestiny · 06/10/2025 16:24

I feel bad for both girls and boys, because they all suffer and carry everything inside, masking their pain and frustration from the outside world.

If I had a son, I would care for him just as much as I do for my daughter.

I think teenagers need us even more than when they were little, at least that’s what I’ve experienced.

OP posts:
WishinAndHopin · 06/10/2025 15:56

TheaBrandt1 · 06/10/2025 15:40

Hard disagree. Some boys can be absolutely vicious. Have you met many teenage boys?

Yep. While girls might shun, ghost and bitch in a quiet sneaky way, boys still openly ostracise, and often their bullying is overt and physical .

TheaBrandt1 · 06/10/2025 15:40

Hard disagree. Some boys can be absolutely vicious. Have you met many teenage boys?

Dollymylove · 06/10/2025 15:18

Girls can be very cruel, far more so than boys imho. I think your daughter should take a deep breath and confront the party inviter, get to the bottom of it

665theneighborofthebeast · 06/10/2025 15:02

I would be suspicious that there is a difference in what they are doing. Eg. The other girls might be vaping or drinking or flirting or similar and your daughter isn't.
In which case she deserves a bloody big treat for not bending to peer pressure and a new outlet with like minded girls.

Agrumpyknitter · 06/10/2025 14:53

Endofyear · 05/10/2025 23:08

I'm petty so I would probably organise a nice treat for my daughter and invite all her friends except the one who left her out - let her have a taste of her own medicine!

This exactly!

My friend has led this happen to her daughter so they gave the ‘so-called’ friend a taste of her own medicine. I would recommend as better than just walking away from a friendship group.

FlyingUnicornWings · 06/10/2025 14:47

Flowerofdestiny · 06/10/2025 11:46

Thanks so much for all the replies – I really appreciate them and I’ve read them all carefully.

For context, nothing new has happened that could have upset her. My daughter is White British, at a mixed Catholic school. We’re just a small, ordinary family.

She asked two of the girls in the group if they knew why this one girl was excluding her, and both said they didn’t know and didn’t want to get involved.
I’ve been tempted (against my daughter’s wishes) to message one of her close friends to ask what’s going on and let her know how badly my daughter has been feeling.

Would you, as mums, do that? Or does it come across as me being immature/overstepping? It’s so painful to just sit back and do nothing, but my daughter has made it clear she doesn’t want me to interfere.

Any thoughts welcome, thank you.

No I wouldn’t message the other girls. That’s overstepping and will be mortifying for your daughter.

Put the energy into loving your daughter instead. Do something fun together to remind her that she’s safe and loved with you. Get snuggly in your pyjamas and watch a film with popcorn and hot chocolate maybe?

The hardest thing as parents is when we have to step back and realise we can’t fix their problems for them anymore. Your daughter has made her boundaries clear, do not message her friends.

Original poster
Flowerofdestiny · 06/10/2025 14:38

#WishinAndHopin
I’m not going to do it – it’s just my urge to set things straight, but I’ve realised that we shouldn’t act without our teens’ consent.

I’m supporting her a lot with encouraging words and advice, and soon she’ll be starting her counselling sessions, which makes me really glad because she wants to do it as a way to open up and become stronger 🙂

#Movingonup028e
It’s awful, isn’t it? You suffer twice – for them, and as mothers we suffer too.

#MushMonster That’s true as well. The worst part is not knowing… the uncertainty is the hardest thing.

OP posts:
Movingonup028e · 06/10/2025 14:11

Also happens to my 11 year old daughter who is the friendliest kindest person you could ever meet. There is a group of 6 of them
There was a birthday sleepover, my daughter not invited, she did ask her why, the answer was the mom only had space for 5. But its always my daughter thats the one who isn't chosen. It breaks my heart.

WishinAndHopin · 06/10/2025 14:06

Flowerofdestiny · 06/10/2025 11:46

Thanks so much for all the replies – I really appreciate them and I’ve read them all carefully.

For context, nothing new has happened that could have upset her. My daughter is White British, at a mixed Catholic school. We’re just a small, ordinary family.

She asked two of the girls in the group if they knew why this one girl was excluding her, and both said they didn’t know and didn’t want to get involved.
I’ve been tempted (against my daughter’s wishes) to message one of her close friends to ask what’s going on and let her know how badly my daughter has been feeling.

Would you, as mums, do that? Or does it come across as me being immature/overstepping? It’s so painful to just sit back and do nothing, but my daughter has made it clear she doesn’t want me to interfere.

Any thoughts welcome, thank you.

No no no no no please don't do that! It will be extremely embarrassing for your daughter.

From her perspective, you'll make everything worse and she won't appreciate it. You'll humiliate her by making her look over-sensitive and pathetically wounded, and babyish like she still needs Mummy's support with friendships.

Don't do anything without her express consent and approval. These are her friends and her life, she knows best.

As mentioned, your supportive role here is to teach her how to handle herself in these situations - how to get over the hurt and how to make friends elsewhere. What you would be doing by interfering in this way is teaching her the opposite of resilience.