My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

^This. I’ve coped with numerous meltdowns from my adopted DD1 (now 16). She was violent towards me most days between the ages of 6 and 10, and occasionally towards DD2 (now 13). She would also throw things and try to break them, particularly her glasses and hearing aids.

Following therapy, she completely stopped attacking me, though she still throws things and swears at us.

I’ve been at the end of my tether with her, and at times I’ve been afraid of her, as she can be intimidating when in a rage. But I know that she’s ND, still waiting for her diagnosis, and has recently been diagnosed with epilepsy. She needs help and support, not judgement and rejection. She’s also young for her age and vulnerable.

DD1 can also be funny, loving and loves life. She loves doing fun activities with us. So there are many bright points to hold on to.

Even in the days when she was being violent towards me, I never once had any thoughts of harming her and neither has my DH, who has always spent a lot more than one hour a day with her and been very hands-on.

I’m afraid I don’t think I’d be able to get back from hearing my DH saying he fantasised about harming her.

Brilliant! You ought to be available on the NHS.

Coping with children with extra needs when you may have extra needs yourself is incredibly hard.
Firstly, it’s good he’s admitting how difficult he is finding it.
He is also the adult and therefore has to work out how to cope.
Education about the various conditions helps as does some sort of parenting course specifically for parents of children/young people with ADHD/asd.
Reducing both demands and expectations is the key.
Learning about non-violent resistance, understanding his own triggers will also help.
Finding time to develop a bond with your daughter- even if it’s just watching movies together.
For slightly older children (ime) giving ‘presents’ helps develop this too. By this I mean giving the child something you know they will like or they need - and specifically saying something like ‘I saw this in the shop and I thought you would really like it’ - so the get the message that you are thinking about them with love -the present can be a chocolate or a deodorant that you were going to buy anyway (to keep costs down!). By performing these small acts of love and care you will increase the amount of positive interactions with the child/young person- often badly needed when emotions are heightened.
Lastly- your dh needs to do something that helps him destress- in our case running is fantastic. It’s important to put on your oxygen mask first before you can deal with the children.

I was going to say maybe he just hasn't come to terms with her diagnosis and differences and had simply expected his children to fit into a 'normal' pigeon hole.

But after reading that he has thoughts of harming her - it might also be that he is extremely overwhelmed by her challenging behaviour and this is leading him to have these negative emotions.

I'm not sure on the specifics of your child's challenges but it might be a good idea to ask for support from social services. By that I mean you guys might qualify for carers support. They might be able to give your husband an external avenue to talk about his issues and maybe meet other parents going through similar experiences.

From your husband's point of view I think he might need some time to cool off and maybe have an avenue to relax and see if his mental state improves. He might then reconsider some of the things he's said so far.

The term "challenging behaviour" is sometimes an understatement, people and children that have these issues are very challenging to deal with. So how your husband is feeling is totally understandable and he won't be the first parent to experience these negative thoughts.

So it's important not to vilify him and just give him the maximum possibility of coming out of this with a better outlook.

Good luck.

Great advice!!

OP, you are lovely! I feel for you!! Having an a child with Autism or ADHD can be hard, and your little one has both. Your hubby needs to understand that she has these conditions, she is not rude or difficult deliberately! She needs his unconditional love and support more than anything! I’ve suspected ADHD as does my daughter (we have been waiting for ages for a diagnosis…) and when she has a meltdown or she is anxious, I always show up for her and hold space for her. I just tell her, I know you have big feelings and they are hard to deal with, but you’ll learn it, and I’m here for you and love you no matter what! She is getting so much better with self soothing and re-regulating herself, they develop new neural pathways when you are there for them and love them through their difficult times! You just sit there and if they want a cuddle, you can offer it. Mine usually doesn’t want a cuddle when she is angry or upset but once she started to calm down, she always wants cuddles. Your husband doesn’t know what to do and blames your daughter for his feelings of inadequacy. Just talk to him about this like I said above. He needs to upskill a bit but he can do it. If needed, get some extra support! Sending you big hugs, this is a difficult time for you, you are wonderful!

That is terrifying, I would ask him to leave immediately.

At first I thought it was good he could say this to you. You know, the old saying it out loud thing gets it off your chest and you can move on, and he feels comfortable to talk to you, etc.

Then I read the throwing of the bridge thing and that altered everything. You poor thing! As if managing your child isn't enough, you now have this to contend with?

Whatever, he needs to move out till he has had some counselling or something. He might lose his temper and do something harmful to her.

I feel for you.

But isn't that the point of the wider picture strategy SS usually adopt? Genuine question.

The fact that he's said he fantasises about throwing her off a bridge (which to me is a red flag because it's one thing to say it in the heat of the moment and another to say you fantasise about it. Isn’t that daydreaming with pleasure?), and said right back at you to "I hate you" (what you've said is a concern) should make it more of a bigger concern.

It means he's shown atleast more than one way of posing harm to the child, even if it's "only" emotional.

Ah yes, no understanding of the situation and the challenges, no nuance or recognition that many people in similar situations have those thoughts and wouldn’t dream of acting on them. Just LTB.

There is a world of difference between a fleeting thought and the deed itself - especially when that thought comes from frustration and exhaustion, rather than anger or rage. SS would not consider that alone as a reason to remove him from the home because they would understand the difference and the huge challenges involved.

Right well you need to get this man out of your house don't you.

Fuuuuuuck.
There's a huge difference between "I don't like her" to "I fantasize about throwing her off a bridge." That's making a dangerous leap.
He needs significant mental health support, and probably so does your DD.

It does get better though. I know from my work in schools that 7 is a horrible age for kids with AuDHD. They're passed the hopeful, still a bit cute, baby stage of "hopefully they'll grow out of it a bit/they're still soooo young." But not old enough for you to be able to reasonably appeal to their better side and/or them to actively engage in some personal development/coping skills. 7 is very much the "let it all hang out" age. They do exactly what they want with no thoughts.
At school, we often start to see improvements from about age 9/10, especially in girls.

But at this point, you have more of a DH problem than a DD one.

Apologies, just re-read and l misunderstood.

Sorry I wasn't suggesting you were.
I was agreeing with you and stating for clarification in case others thought this approach was condoning him opting out.

I wasn’t suggesting he opt out, just stepping back from contact while they reassess and try to enlist professional help. Division of parenting isn’t ideal and isn’t a long term solution, but l agree a calmer approach is needed if a break up of the family is to be avoided.

I agree, extreme family situations do sometimes require extreme parenting choices, such as division of parenting support at times.

That only works long term if it's done in the context of understanding the underlying needs of the child.

If the dd has a PDA profile rather than ODD then she could be displaying equalising or levelling behaviours towards her father. PDAers dont recognise or respond to the hierarchy of social relationships. Her dad exerting his authority would in this case heighten her anxiety and promote a panic response which might be fight.
It goes against the grain and every parenting strategy you've ever been told, but reducing your authority as a parent, reduces the anxiety and enables the child to respond from their frontal lobe not their survival brain and build relationships.

Short term withdrawal from parenting his dd to enable him to look into ASD/ADHD/PDA etc. from a calmer perspective could be beneficial.
And different from opting out.

No-one can really know 100% It’s something l’ve come across professionally many times - expression of a fleeting thought as a result of frustration and exhaustion isn’t the same as that of anger or rage. It’s often signalling resignation, as l think is happening in OPs case. The balance of probabilities means he’s likely not a danger. Several posters here have admitted to similar thoughts in similar situations.

I said upthread that l think a self referral to SS would be a good idea, and lME they would not consider an expression of a fleeting thought in such difficult circumstances by itself a reason to remove him from the home - unless his actions supported suspicions that he is likely to do harm. I think the fact that he is effectively saying ‘right back at you’ when the child says she hates him is more cause for concern because it indicates he’s reached the point of resignation and l think OP is right in thinking it’s a signal he’s about to leave. I hope they can find middle ground somewhere before that happens.

absolutely this. You can feel it, but to verbalise it? Without going to see a doctor or something and admitting that you’re struggling, and you’re in the wrong?

This is a 7-year-old child who is not doing any of this to hurt her parents. She’s struggling and having a terrible time herself.

my partner has struggled similarly with our child, but luckily we’ve agreed that he will just go out and clear his head before he says something he regrets.

No worries, I stand by what I said.
😊

Hard hat on PP...

Your poor husband.
Before I get all the hate, I grew up in communist Czechoslovakia, different generation. The well being of parents was actually prioritised, as these children would be adopted or helped with by the state.
Result was, at least for me, being a happy child to satisfied parents. Yes, I was an only child and never had any myself, but I could absolutely see the advantages of that system. None of my pals, NONE, including myself, were problematic.
We knew about this possibility, about being given away. Funnily enough, none of us was openly autistic or ADHD.
It was good, no adults were trapped like this man.

I agree, the children will not be removed. That would cost money and SS are only interested in solutions which come without a price tag!

Op as much as you might think he'd never do anything bad, this is a really serious thing for him to say and you need to take action now. You need to demand he speaks to the GP and he should not have any unsupervised time with any of your children until he has sought support. This is not just saying he wishes he'd never had her, he's actively fantasising about causing her harm.

Please do not underreact to this as that's how awful things happen to families.

I’m so sorry your situation led to the breakdown of your relationship, but every situation is different and what works for some may not work for others. If DD’s dad is the focus of her ODD then him stepping back from contact with her while they assess the situation may help both of them. Obviously it’s not a long term solution but it may provide breathing space until they can access professional help. The alternative is the imminent break up of the family.

Very quickly as need to do stuff in a minute.

This thread is interesting as we have two camps. One demands pretty much perfection at all times. You love your child and you are always fiercely adoring towards them, no matter what, any awful behaviour evokes sympathy for the child and anything less than adoration and respect (including thoughts) are judged harshly and seen as not worthy of parenting the child.

Camp 2 say no - there are nuances.

Does camp one really look realistic to anybody? It doesn’t to me! And (after a long road) I can now say I am a bloody good parent!