My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

Not caring about him doesn’t require you to peddle bullshit.

Support for him is not just in his interests, but in the interests of OP and his children.

Omg I cannot stand this site. In what world does anyone think it’s ok to say that. I do not care how much this man is struggling he needs to go and remove himself from the situation.

He has told a 7 year old he hates her. Seriously do not respond it makes me feel sick. He I a an adult i do not give a shit how he feels. There is a child that could very well be in serious danger. Fuck off

I don't know what you find so offensive about a slang term that means "to share the work"

dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/muck-in

Did you not know what it means?

Omg I cannot stand this site. In what world does anyone think it’s ok to say that. I do not care how much this man is struggling he needs to go and remove himself from the situation.

He has told a 7 year old he hates her. Seriously do not respond it makes me feel sick. He I a an adult i do not give a shit how he feels. There is a child that could very well be in serious danger. Fuck off

He has 'mucked in'?? Lord give me strength, he should be 'parenting', not 'mucking in' 😭

Some of the comments on this thread about ND children are disgusting. My brother is ND and I was previously a carer for ND young people aged 5 - 25. I never once met anyone who didn't have any redeemable qualities regardless of any behavioural issues they had - there was not one who was 'impossible to love'.

Can only echo others that it sounds like you both need more support - my Mum got respite for my brother and it did really help. It's not easy - I remember my brother breaking her bed one night and she burst into tears, saying she didn't know what to do anymore. Her and my Dad had divorced by that point, she was mostly doing it all alone. She really struggled with brother at times but I never doubted that she loved all of us exactly the same.

Do you have a local family support line at the council you can ring to say you're worried there's going to be a family breakdown if something doesn't change? You can tell them what your husband said. Are there are any parenting groups geared towards Dad's locally that he could attend? Or men's mental health groups?

I know ultimately it is him who needs to accept that he needs support/advice etc. but I think sometimes when you're in a difficult time it can be hard to see an end in sight. For you as well OP. I hope you get the support you need, it is bloody difficult at times but it won't last forever ❤

Your experience isn’t a universal one. You can only speak for yourself.

Behind the times? Well, I don’t currently practice law but I’m not so far removed from doing so that my knowledge has been rendered obsolete. A parent experiencing extreme emotional distress would almost certainly not be arrested for saying what he did, how he did. Context doesn’t just matter, it’s crucial.

It’s also not in the public interest to criminalize struggling parents. Not least because social services have a vested (financial) interest in keeping children with their parents, but because making parents fearful of asking for, and being honest with, outside support puts children at greater risk of harm.

To be honest I have never thought such a thing about my child. Ever. I’ve been angry, ive been hurt by things shes said lashing out but thought about murdering her. No. Thought of leaving her? No. Yes people do now get arrested for making verbal threats against anyone not just children. Behind the times aren’t you? My boyfriend cheats on me, I feel at the end of my tether lash out say im going to chuck him off a bridge. Yes! I would be arrested. It happens all the time. It’s illegal no matter what the situation to make fucking death threats!!

eloquent comeback. running out of arguments?

Having ADHD doesn’t exempt you from being a brat. I don’t care what you think of my ignorance.

I suggest you move in with them for a few weeks and then let us know how you get on. Being a neighbour to someone with a child means absolutely fuck all. You have no idea what life 24/7 is like with such a child.

You also suggested upthread that some of the behaviour may misbehaving due to lack of boundaries etc. Would you say to a child in a wheelchair that they are maybe just a little bit lazy or that the parents didn't encourage walking enough?

your ignorance is quite astounding.

The scenario I describe is a woman not taking a proactive enough approach to parenting and discipline, and undermining the DH/not allowing him to discipline. Thus, creating a building resentment and making a bad family dynamic worse. But I’ll leave it there and not bother to respond to you anymore on the matter, it obviously doesn’t fit your narrative so you’ll choice to misunderstand my point, and label it as judgement. Possibly due to you having a chip on your shoulder from your past personal experiences of judgement.

Actually, I haven’t seen a snap shot, I’ve seen them almost daily for the past 12 years as they’re my neighbours. I was friends with them when they first began dating, before they became parents. In fact, it was me who introduced them.

I have also said everything in my previous post to her directly.

I don’t think you’re in any position to tell me what I have/have not seen when you know nothing about our friendship.

It's not about defending women.
The scenario you describe illustrates a mother not coping just as much as the father in the OP.
Both need support.

No, he wouldn’t. Would the police do a welfare check and relay any concerns to social services (who won’t jump to taking the children away either - that’s actually something they actively want to prevent happening)? Yes, but they’re not going to arrest him for venting as a result of burn out.

You may have never personally expressed such thoughts, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t common. He, like other parents in such a situation, needs help, not condemnation. All condemnation does is make people fearful of asking for help when they most need it, which ends up putting children in more danger.

Everything I said still stands too.

People love to throw the word judgment around simply for stating what they’ve witnessed with their own eyes for years on end.
If my 7 year old child ran up to you and slapped you across the cheek for no reason, while running off laughing. And I stood there, said nothing to my child, just roll my eyes “She’s on a mad one today” (which is exactly what happened to me) I guarantee you’d pass some, god forbid, judgement too. I was angry, not at the child, but at my friend, and I let her know she was partly the reason she felt confident enough to do that. That all being said, neither of us are terrible person. We are close friends and no topics of conversation are off limits.

I know Mumsnet has developed a trend over the last past few woke years to defend women to the death, no questions asked. But let’s stop patronising ourselves and pretending like women can do no wrong.

id say that kid sounds more like a budding sociopath tbh

Everything I said still stands.
Observation is very different from living it 24/7.
They sound like a family in desperate need of support. Putting the responsibility onto the mum for not being strict enough is unhelpful and judgemental.
My neighbours saw me and my dd every day. And I had friends of long standing who I'd talked to at length. Doesn't mean any of them were in a position to judge my parenting.
Thankfully I was able to ditch those that were judgemental and the ones that supported me have shared my journey and have seen the successes further down the road.

This is so sad. People always aim their sympathy at the child in these circumstances but I feel sorry particularly sorry for the DH. I know it’s not entirely the child’s fault (I say entirely, as while I don’t doubt she has additional needs due to her condition(s) we also don’t know how severe they are, nor if she’s been given too many allowances to misbehave due to this, which has resulted in what would typically be classed as “bratty” behaviour).

I have friends in this exact situation, I’ve watched this unfold for years. DD is out of control and outright vindictive, appears to gain pleasure from other people’s stress and discomfort from her behaviour. She has hit me before. She also hits, bites, and laughs at her dad when he appears to show signs of breaking down from it all. It’s an extremely sad sight to witness a grown man being dragged down to such depths, and I don’t usually feel sorry for men!

Dad now after all these years can’t stand her and has given up, but most of all he feels resentment towards his wife who hasn’t been strict enough with her and undermines him infront of her when he attempts to discipline. This is the biggest problem of all, the mum would use her ADHD to excuse it, and wash her hands of the responsibility of parenting. While a firmer approach wouldn’t solve all their problems, I imagine it would help even just a little, and rid the DH of his resentment.

OP, obviously I’m not accusing you of this. I can’t, as I don’t know you, your story is text on a screen. However does any of this seem familiar at all? Do you think there’s any possibility your DH could feel you’re not a team, or disagree with your methods? Sometimes feeling a strong sense of unity with your spouse makes the world of difference despite what’s happening around us.

To everyone gunning for the DH- just remember he’s human we all have limits, and if this was a woman at her wits end due to her child’s behaviour, we’d be offering support and kind words.

Actually, I haven’t seen a snap shot, I’ve seen them almost daily for the past 12 years as they’re my neighbours. I was friends with them when they first began dating, before they became parents. In fact, it was me who introduced them.

I have also said everything in my previous post to her directly.

I don’t think you’re in any position to tell me what I have/have not seen when you know nothing about our friendship.

This is so sad. People always aim their sympathy at the child in these circumstances but I feel sorry particularly sorry for the DH. I know it’s not entirely the child’s fault (I say entirely, as while I don’t doubt she has additional needs due to her condition(s) we also don’t know how severe they are, nor if she’s been given too many allowances to misbehave due to this, which has resulted in what would typically be classed as “bratty” behaviour).

I have friends in this exact situation, I’ve watched this unfold for years. DD is out of control and outright vindictive, appears to gain pleasure from other people’s stress and discomfort from her behaviour. She has hit me before. She also hits, bites, and laughs at her dad when he appears to show signs of breaking down from it all. It’s an extremely sad sight to witness a grown man being dragged down to such depths, and I don’t usually feel sorry for men!

Dad now after all these years can’t stand her and has given up, but most of all he feels resentment towards his wife who hasn’t been strict enough with her and undermines him infront of her when he attempts to discipline. This is the biggest problem of all, the mum would use her ADHD to excuse it, and wash her hands of the responsibility of parenting. While a firmer approach wouldn’t solve all their problems, I imagine it would help even just a little, and rid the DH of his resentment.

OP, obviously I’m not accusing you of this. I can’t, as I don’t know you, your story is text on a screen. However does any of this seem familiar at all? Do you think there’s any possibility your DH could feel you’re not a team, or disagree with your methods? Sometimes feeling a strong sense of unity with your spouse makes the world of difference despite what’s happening around us.

To everyone gunning for the DH- just remember he’s human we all have limits, and if this was a woman at her wits end due to her child’s behaviour, we’d be offering support and kind words.

@Jtfrtj
Please remember that you only see a snap shot of your friends lives. I don't doubt both parents may be on their knees and may be coming from different perspectives but you don't know what approach is most appropriate for that child.
Your post is heavy with judgement.

I have said things in anger that I regret but not this. I am telling you 100% if he had said this in ear shot of someone doorbell etc and they called the police her be in trouble. I have seen this happen. Can’t believe people can’t see how wrong this is.

Yes and he will get upskilled. The man isn't a monster. He's pressed against a wall. That's wall. Nd is relatively new trend ....nobody knows even why seems is so prevalent in the white English world