My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

@Nestingbirds Did you even read what I wrote about assessment of risk?

I doubt I have 'fundamentally misunderstood the law' with my professional experience in forensic psych

Anyone saying that that they have had thoughts of seriously harming someone is not making a 'threat to kill' - it's simply verbalising the homicidal thoughts

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A trend in health variations, like a natural trend or a feature?

It would have to be interpreted as a threat to kill. And this clearly wasn’t. It was the voicing of a thought in a situation of high stress. As I said context is everything. He was venting to his partner, not threatening to kill his daughter.

I think you have fundamentally misunderstood the law to be honest. You actually can’t just say whatever you like and that’s fine. It doesn’t work that way at all.
Threats to kill carries a custodial sentence for example.

I’ve just read the first page of this. One of my part time jobs was driving minibuses with some seriously autistic/unwell children and adults, and the look that you used to get from some of the parents at the beginning of half term/full term holidays was a mixture of fear, dread, devastation and yes tears.

we would turn up at 0845 or 0900 roughly the same time every morning, the children would happy to get on the minibus, and it gave the parents six/seven hours a day to themselves, to do what they wanted, clean the house, do the ironing, in the early days of that job, I was shocked how many parents “just slept” and looked happy and refreshed they had managed to have good kip.

Not everyone wants to work long hours and come home to abuse, and not everyone has it in their armour to allow days/months/years/decades of abuse to unaffect them.

i take my hat off to anyone who lives with a family member with issues such as these I genuinely do. I hope and pray that you and your husband find it easier extremely soon. xxxxx

There's really not enough information in the post to make an assessment of 'serious risk of harm'

Lots of people have evil thoughts but thankfully the reality is that the vast majority of the time people don't enact those thoughts - you'd want to see evidence of intent /of planning/ other risk factors like disinhibition or impulsivity and the best indicator of future risk is previous behaviour

For example fascination with fires/ setting things alight/ even a bit of playing with fire is not uncommon but arson is pretty rare

This. Couldn’t agree more.

No. I’m not the husband and fortunately for the clients I dealt with during my working life I tended to rely more on actual facts and experience than hysteria. Context is everything.

There was research published last month about the high number of parent carers who find themselves in a similar situation. Around half have considered suicide, some have considered suicide/homicide. This isn't a unique reaction. It's just not one that people feel comfortable talking about.

The LTB/what an awful human being/he doesn't deserve to have a family responses here just emphasise why very, very few of the parent carers who reach this point in their own deteriorating mental health feel so stigmatised that they will never, ever seek support.

www.birmingham.ac.uk/about/college-of-social-sciences/policy-engagement/parent-carers

It’s about intent. And something said out of frustration when you’re at the end of your tether doesn’t have the same intent as when it’s said in anger. I find it more concerning that he’s essentially saying ‘right back at you’ when DD says she hates him, not because he actually does - any more than he would actually throw her off a bridge - but because it signals that he’s reached the end of what he can reasonably cope with and he’s about to leave. In my experience people say lots of things they don’t mean in times of stress, and when the situation is calmer, are horrified that they’ve even thought it, and these thoughts don’t match up with their actions.

I think plenty agree, they may not be as persistent as some but in any event, it doesn’t make those advocating for immediate removal of the husband correct.

Are you the husband?

Because you are on here making a lot of excuses and putting a child at serious risk. Fortunately most of the thread doesn’t agree with you.

You asked me that question upthread and I answered it.

I can guarantee you that social services wouldn’t see it that way if it was reported to them. They would look at the situation and realise that this was letting off steam and not actually said with anger or intent. If the family is to stay together, as OP says she wants, they need professional input, and soon. Unfortunately it’s not easy to access, which is why families end up in this situation. But as ever, not much insight here - just the usual advice to LTB.

How in gods name do you know he won’t do it?????

You have no idea at all either about his state of mind or his capacity for harm.

What an extraordinarily irresponsible post.

The child is at risk, serious risk best case.

I've not said it's not? But if both of this young childs parents said 'you know what, this is too much actually, I'm out' then where would that leave her?

Of course they're at breaking point but it is generally more socially acceptable for men to hold their hands up and wash their hands of parenting when it gets difficult. That's the only point I was trying to make.

I hope OP and her family get the support they need to make this easier for all of them.

As described by myself and several other posters with professional experience of this kind of situation - voicing a fleeting thought such as this and actually acting on it are two different things, and a world apart. The comment was made as a result of frustration and exhaustion, not anger. Surely you’re not naive enough to think that many people haven’t had such thoughts at times of similar stress ? Several posters have commented that they have, and it doesn’t mean they are a danger to their children.

'Throwing her off a bridge'??

Monster

And I'd be terrified he'd do it

Wow. Parenting a child with such severe problems is very difficult and can force families to breaking point. OP says he’s always been a hands on dad, and that poster’s DH was clearly an arsehole. It’s not the same thing at all.

Op might well feel daunted going it alone, but what choice does she have? He is no longer a safe person, and no parent is going to leave a highly vulnerable young child in his care even for five minutes given what he has said.

Well he’s only there an hour a day i am sure she will manage even if he just goes for week and come back less scary.

Lmao, maybe 😂 me personally I would describe a team project at work as 'mucking in', not a Dad parenting his kids. But I'm not going to debate that any further as don't wanna derail OP's thread when she clearly needs advice.

However the longer I dwell on this thread the less sympathy I have for OPs husband. It reminds me of a thread a while back from a different poster - OP, OP's husband and her young children were all very unwell and OP's husband told her 'i must be more ill than you as I can't get out of bed to look after the kids'. OP pointing out she didn't have a choice, he wasn't doing it and the kids needed looking after regardless of how ill she felt fell on deaf ears.

It probably is very difficult for him but he doesn't get to decide he's at the end of his tether and leave it all to you OP. He sees her an hour and evening (so not much 'mucking in' 😉). She can't help being ND. She can't stop being ND so he needs to look at ways to manage that and manage his expectations. And as I said in my first post, look at support available!

Sure, he can indeed do those things. He may have done just that already. It seems OP would rather he didn’t though, given that she’s also struggling and him doing that may well push her past her own breaking point. What would that mean for the 7 year old? Or indeed the other two children who are by no means less important than their sister?

It is unbelievable as a parent I have been pushed to the brink myself. You put your big boy pants on you go and get your head sorted out and you advocate for your child not threaten to murder them bevause an hour a day of parenting is ruining your little snowflake head. Kick the bastard out.

It's a description of working together, not parenting specifically 🤣

Of all the things on here, and you're asking the Lord for strength to handle a slang term. Each to their own.