My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

You really do need to think before you post. You clearly have absolutely no fucking idea of how little support is available to families supporting this kind of disability. So your ‘go to’ is to blame the parents for doing what they need to do ? I worked as a disability outreach worker for over twenty years. I saw families trying to cope with disabilities that would make people like you want to lie down and die. In situations like the OP’s it progresses from outbursts from a child, to violence from a child grown much bigger and stronger than their parents. I’ve seen families have to sort safe rooms in which to barricade themselves to keep safe while their child has a meltdown. Because for children with these behavioural tendencies the opportunities for placement is virtually nil. So they’re left to get on with it. So forgive me for calling out your ignorant ableism. You have no clue what you’re talking about.

There isn’t anything like adequate support available, but blaming the parents for concentrating on the disabled child with the most need doesn’t help. Neither does the suggestion that the siblings were so affected they didn’t have children of their own. And suggesting that they loved the disabled child the most - I really don’t know where to start in trying to explain to you what the strain of having a disabled child means.

No. He doesn’t. He needs someone to understand how he feels. In over twenty years of dealing professionally with families under enormous strain similar to that of OP, and where both parents were expressing similar feelings, I never once saw someone snap and hurt their child. I saw plenty of men leave because they couldn’t cope with the awful situation they were in as the focus of their own child’s perceived hatred, and the lack of support from the various agencies. OP is trying to hold her family together. Telling her that her DH is a danger to her child is misguided and unhelpful. This has been done to death upthread - why have you waded in without reading, given the seriousness of what’s at stake here ?

What bit? My friends scenerio. It's merely stating how it can look from the siblings view rather than the parents or disabled childs?

Or the fact the system is so fucked there seems to be little help or options to prevent families being destroyed by disabilities? Which part is ableist?

says more about you than the deleted post. It was full of nasty and vile language aimed at neurodiverse children and they are (as a whole) destroyer of families.

Do you realise how ableist this post is ?

Nope. Try again. Read the thread. In this scenario the parents are the ones emotionally damaged because in the main they are left to get on with it. As the child grows up the abuse turns to the physical.

Unfortunately that professional care is thin on the ground for exactly the reasons you raise. There are some children whose behaviour makes it difficult, and in many cases impossible for a suitable placement to be found. Over the years I’ve been involved with families whose children’s behaviour has worsened over time and they have become bigger and stronger than their parents. Scenarios where families have to have safe rooms and barricade themselves into these rooms to escape violent meltdowns are not uncommon.

Thank you.

I’m suprised it was removed too. I never once blamed ND children directly for the breakdown of families, I said it wasn’t their fault. I just pointed out that marriages have indeed broken up from the stress and the parents cannot be blamed for reaching breaking point.

But just like the mainstream media, Mumsnet also silences certain statements, regardless of whether there’s truth to them or not.

I was surprised MN deleted the post by @Jtfrtj

I read it before it was removed and it really didn’t say anything that broke talk guidelines. It was passionate certainly.

Some things are uncomfortable to read but it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be written.

I do wish that there was more respite care for families in this sort of situation and even longer term placements for those whose needs can't, after trying everything, be managed in a family home without the other members being significantly harmed.

I'd find living with someone that told me that they hated me on a daily basis absolutely soul destroying. In this case I'd advise him to see his GP, he might cope better if he's on a lot of antidepressants but it's still a horrible situation to live with.

I actually agree when @RubySquid
there was a thread a while back from a mother whose ND elder child was physically harming the younger one who was barely 3 years old - had broken their arm deliberately, put them in hospital etc….the behaviour was deliberate malicious and violent.
why should other children suffer because of the behaviour of 1. My response then was the child needed to leave the home. I’m not saying old school asylums are the answer at all but there should be some acceptance that not all children can or should be continued to be raised in the family unit and need 24/7 professional care

You need to separate sorry. Hearing this from her Dad will damage her emotionally

I'm not criticizing the kids themselves. I'm criticizing the society who don't help and expect parents t( and even more so siblings) o lump it with no alternatives. My best friend grew up with a disabled sibling. Her and her other siblings had their whole lives basically out on hold as kids due to this and everything revolved around the disabled kid.

Strangely enough all the kids moved out by 18 and I don't think any of them haf any contact with their mother or the siblings since. They are all in their 50s now. In fact none of them had any kids themselves in case they ended up the same. So obviously has a detrimental effect on the other kids ( that parents profess to liove but obviously to a lesser extent)than the one with a disability

But you don't seem to be offering any solutions. Its so easy to criticize ND kids as being burdens to the family, but none of you offer anything of value. You just hurt their parents feelings, and the feelings of people who grew up ND. Apparently ND kids need to be isolated and shouldn't have loving families.

I didn't say I had a solution but it seems very wrong to me that 3 kids for example should suffer for the sake of one. Why does that one take priority over all the rest?

And not all parents are able or willing to look after a kid with extra needs remember . Or for example if one kud was so disabled that parent couldn't work another 3 would lose their home as can't pay mortgage. Good chance of the father buggering off also.

What are they supposed to do with the ND child then? Lock them up? Give them away? What is your genius solution?

I’m not suggesting anyone would or should ‘remove’ him from the home.

but I disagree that he doesn’t need mental health support and that his state of mind poses no potential risk.

Regardless of how he expressed this, that he has fanaticised about throwing his child off a bridge IS in fact worrying.

And if this were my family I would not feel comfortable about him being alone with the child until he was accessing support.

My own professional opinion, as well as my personal view.

1. Where In my post did I mention Autism specifically?
2. I didn’t vilify it, I actually said it’s not the child’s fault, but that it’s also not the parents fault for reaching breaking point because it, which you just admitted yourself impacts families to breaking point.

The rest of your post I didn’t bother to read because it’s irrelevant to me now as you read mine, added 2 + 2 and got 5

Honestly, so fed up with posters on here who deliberately misunderstand the point to suit their own narrative. It’s tedious.

Agree with you here. I had far worse thoughts when in the depths of PND. Unfortunately there just isn't enough support for parents of children with special needs etc. I don't think it's his fault he's not coping, and saying/thinking he hates her is potentially easier than saying he loves her and feels devastated that he can't help her or cope with what she needs from him.

Edited because I was replying to a now (thankfilly deleted ) post. But I'll leave my thoughts here

Why are you so determined to vilify autistic children? Attitudes like yours cause much greater damage to struggling families than any diagnosis.
Coping with complex and severe disability in all its forms impacts families! Families are "destroyed" not just by autism FFS.

But sticking to this specific thread, the OP describes how her dd holds it together at school but has meltdowns at home after school. So, straight away, despite OP saying the SEN support in school is good, there is concrete evidence that it is not meeting her dd's needs because the child is dysregulated to the point of meltdown as soon as she leaves school! That's why we're saying discipline won't solve the meltdowns at home!
Getting the education that her dd needs would be the first and most important type of support that would have a massive impact on the family.
But the reality is that because she's experienced the wrong approach for so long, trauma is being added to primary neurological disabilities. And there is virtually no specialist educational provision for children like this.
I have decades of SEND experience as both a professional and a parent. I am fully aware that some disabled children have needs so complex that living for some or all their time out of the home is the only way to meet their needs and in some instances keep family members safe.

But there is so much in the OP's posts that indicates that the crisis has occurred because the child's needs are not being met first and foremost at school.

Families and the SEN teams in LAs need much greater knowledge and understanding of the different approaches that are needed for a child like OP's dd. Complex needs but cognitively able. Especially when possible PDA rather than typical ASD.

Parents get a diagnosis (asd, adhd etc rarely pda) and then very little support afterwards. Parents spend hours seeking information and understanding alone on the Internet.

My experience of CAMHs is either they are not equipped to work effectively with most ND children who get referred to them. And in patient facilities and even worse.

Social care are geared up for safeguarding or more 'traditional ' types of disabilities. Getting funding for holiday or afterschool support for cognitively able ND children is almost impossible.

So there should be avenues of support for the OP's family thst really could make a difference, but instead they are left to reach crisis alone.

Spot on.

This has been discussed over and over and over again upthread by professionals in the field. He doesn’t need urgent mental health intervention because he is not a danger to the child. He hasn’t expressed this opinion from rage but from frustration and exhaustion. In the absence of any other signs that he is a risk he wouldn’t be removed from the home just for this comment.

I’m so sorry OP. How horrific!
Honestly if he is reaching this point I would be telling him he needed urgent mental health intervention before he was alone with the children.