My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

I think you need to seek professional support asap. Your dc is vulnerable and you need to protect and advocate for her.
He’s clearly at rock bottom and is threatening to hurt or kill her.
With child tragedies it’s always why didn’t someone say or do something.

People with no previous abusive traits can snap and become violent, even murdering their own children. He has told her he is fantasising about doing just that. He has already started snapping back verbally and letting this child know he hates her. He needs to at very least leave the home until he is absolutely not a threat to this vulnerable child any more.

Like it or not - right now he is a threat. He is literally warning OP that he is a threat to his daughter.

I think this is really unfair. If this man normally doesn't have any abusive traits then he's actually just broken under the weight of what you're all carrying. I don't think jumping to divorce is necessarily the solution, many families carrying for children with sen hit crisis due to lack of support and then things do gradually change.

It may be though op that he needs to step back at least temporarily to give him the head space to think about what needs to change. And then he needs to actively work on that before deciding he's just throwing the towel in and giving up completely. He still has responsibilities to his kids and to you.

If, however, he has previous form for controlling/narcissistic or other abusive behaviours then you need to look at all of this through that lens and my answers would be very different.

I work long hours. My husband works long hours. Our son is at least as challenging. Good parents step up.

Neither can I. Poor kid.

He's not a good dad. To her he is not a good dad.

And I say that as someone with a similar 7 year old. My son is the same kind of challenging (although not swearing because he doesn't hear swear words, where is your child at 7 getting the swear words) he has always been challenging, he doesn't sleep, he has a long medical history and since birth a very strong mummy preference.

Does my husband get frustrated? Yes he does. He gets upset too and sometimes will get a bit shouty in a 'you are going to have to stop that right now' way but not in a 'you are bad' way which I think is the difference.

Your husband can't manage an hour a day? He's not a good dad. You can't safely leave them together can you? So he's not a good dad to her and consequently not a good partner to you.

There was a whole I couldn't safely my son but that was because he needed 1-1 and we have another child who is younger so there was a time that either of us having both alone was horrificly difficult because we worried our son would do something impulsive and get hurt or hurt the baby (who he adored and still adores)

When we have a hard day we don't think 'hes horrific, he needs to improve' we think 'were not managing this in a way that's keeping everyone safe' and looking at ways to control what we can, which is our reactions and systems. Your child is being let down.

I do think it's safer for everyone if Dad lives elsewhere at the very least temporarily with the thoughts he's having and whilst he's there to get therapy both as an individual and as a family. I know children like your daughter as my friends son is very similar and I know his behaviour can drive the most sane person to their absolute limit and she's reached the point of "I love him but I do not like him at all" and "I'm done" a few times. Can you get respite at all? Is it worth looking into?

This is a huge concern. This needs to be addressed with medical help. He clearly needs help. How do you know if he won’t act on this? Keep away. These words are truly awful. What is her behaviour? I have an ASD dc.

To be honest it sounds absolutely awful. Could you look into some respite care? I feel sorry for you both.

He is telling you that he can't do this any more, in the clearest sort of terms. He has mucked in until he has broken, and has nothing left to give.

It's awful, for all of you. I'm so sorry OP.

Divorce is the only answer. This is beyond unforgivable.

I wouldn’t lbe capable of loving her and would be extremely wound up. It’s obviously terrible, but it would be what it was.

You can’t push yourself to feel things you don’t forever. I suppose you can pretend.

3Im sure it is tough to hear that from a child, however he is the adult and needs to remember that.
Great in theory. Not so much when you are living it 24/7

What support do each of you actually have outside of each other op? How often do each of you get any sort of down time?

I think he sounds utterly burnt out which is understandable but just opting out isn't any way to deal with that he needs to take steps to actually address it.

That looks like counselling, a support group with other parents dealing with similar, support from a specialist charity and social services (especially if he's fantasising about actually harming her even if he wouldn't actually do it), looking at his stress overall (including stress he has at work), looking at whether he can get some regular nights off (and once he's less burnt out also you) by getting babysitting- even for the other two so one parent can focus solely on your dd alone to make that more manageable and maybe using respite services to give you all a break. If he's really struggling with his mental health then he needs to speak to his gp as well. Or even looking at working flexi hours or similar so he can take 30 minutes before walking in the door to clear his head at the end of the day. You also need support with this op. He's going to need some time to get himself back in check but the essentially leaves you doing even more than you already have been and you also need people in your corner.

I know a lot of families can struggle with the idea of respite care/short stay breaks but it can be a great resource and there is absolutely nothing wrong with using it. You are each only human at the end of the day and if it helps things in the long run then it's the right thing.

Nope. Not ok. Leave.

i really feel for you all, OP. Your husband included. He’s only human at the end of the day and the screaming and abusive behaviour must be difficult to take ad nauseum. He really really needs to speak to a counsellor regardless of if he stays or goes. These are awful feelings to come to terms with and he has clearly fallen apart.

now that is going way too far.
I can imagine him being deeply hurt by her behaviour, having to listen to her over and over again being nasty and saying 'I don't love you'. But that is extreme.

All signs of a breakdown. Ask him to leave, for himself too.

That sounds extremely tough to deal with.

How do you deal with oppositional disorder?

I have ADHD and that amount of meltdowns would probably cause me to melt down too, especially the screaming.

I aren't saying your husband is right, it sounds like it is difficult for everyone.

Do you ever suspect your husband is ND?

Please don't ignore his bridge comment, he has fallen apart, your dc is your priority, so many children die at the hands of their parents.
He needs to look past her rage and see it as her pain. She doesn't like raging either.
Please stop the trigger, her Dad.

She may be autistic and have adhd, but she really has the measure of him does n’t she?

Holy shit.

Dear OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds utterly exhausting.

If your DH is struggling with mental health and is able to, some therapy or medication might help him manage and if he is 'fantasising' about causing harm, he should seek help as a priority. It sounds like you're usually a great team and he may have just hit a temporary wall.

I hope he can see that you are in the same boat and also struggling. Sending you love and luck OP.