My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

I think this is really unfair. If this man normally doesn't have any abusive traits then he's actually just broken under the weight of what you're all carrying. I don't think jumping to divorce is necessarily the solution, many families carrying for children with sen hit crisis due to lack of support and then things do gradually change.

It may be though op that he needs to step back at least temporarily to give him the head space to think about what needs to change. And then he needs to actively work on that before deciding he's just throwing the towel in and giving up completely. He still has responsibilities to his kids and to you.

If, however, he has previous form for controlling/narcissistic or other abusive behaviours then you need to look at all of this through that lens and my answers would be very different.

You sound as bad as him love! What kind of response is this?!

If he told you he was fantasising about hurting himself or killing himself, throwing himself off a bridge or jumping under a car or whatever poison of choice he would choose you would understandably seek immediate help to safeguard him from himself because a. He's told you how he feels and he can't help it and b. He has verbally expressed a plan to do it. Those are 2 of the things they look for when they're doing a mental health risk assessment.

Except he's externalising that to your poor daughter. He wants to hurt or kill her. This is so much more serious than you think it is OP.

But I'm really glad that you've been honest with us. It can be really hard saying these words outloud even on an anonymous forum.

You need to keep that strength and wake up first thing in the morning and put a plan in place with immediate effect.

Unfortunately though, they do… because society is set up to ensure women are punished!

Of course it's possible and sometimes totally understandable not to love your own child - some people are not loveable let's not pretend otherwise. If I were him I'd have left by now and not looked back. He probably loves the rest of you, though, and it will be awful for him. Honestly I'd want to send her elsewhere (back in the day she'd have gone into residential care) but obviously not an option now.

He doesn't get to say he's done.

No fucking way.

We as women pour and pour and pour even though our cup is dry and men get to declare themselves "done"

You need to have serious words.

Usually after school, the shaken coke bottle affect after masking all day but the school are really good and she had Sen support

It’s worse than that he said he fantasises about throwing her off a bridge. He said he hates her, she is extremely challenging but he just can’t deal with it anymore.

I disagree, he's an adult, as the adult he has a responsibility, him, not op, him as an adult! Has a responsibility to find a way to manage his responses, to step up and find a way through how he is reacting. Is it hard? Yes it is hard.

We have found systems where we need to have 3+ hours a day of exercise and activity which is also low demand so sports don't work, trampolining does, softplays do, bouncy castles do, sensory spaces do and my son's entire child disability payment goes on crash mats and weighted blankets and entry to trampolining, softplay, inflatables, ASN sessions at play places, arts equipment, crafts equipment, special interest equipment. We can't leave him with anyone else other than his granny for an hour here and there. We divide and conquer with the kids quite a bit. We need complicated systems to be able to clean the house and grocery shop. We've both battled anxiety and our own neurodivergent traits, because ADHD and autism don't come out of nowhere they're genetic. We've made mistakes etc but dehumanizing and abusive language like ops husband comes from a deeper place and yes he may need help but he needs away from the child for her sake more.

Not feeling love for a child, hard to accept but I get it. To me, love isn't always how you feel, love is what you do. It's in every action you take for someone else, even if you don't feel the same for them as you do others of equal standing.

Fantasising murdering your child though, that's not something you should take lightly. He is 1 step away from hurting or killing her.

I am a person who can hold a grudge, who can hate and does hate many people, but wishing someone dead, by his own hands no less is not just fantasising, it's planning.

I disagree, he's an adult, as the adult he has a responsibility, him, not op, him as an adult! Has a responsibility to find a way to manage his responses, to step up and find a way through how he is reacting. Is it hard? Yes it is hard.

We have found systems where we need to have 3+ hours a day of exercise and activity which is also low demand so sports don't work, trampolining does, softplays do, bouncy castles do, sensory spaces do and my son's entire child disability payment goes on crash mats and weighted blankets and entry to trampolining, softplay, inflatables, ASN sessions at play places, arts equipment, crafts equipment, special interest equipment. We can't leave him with anyone else other than his granny for an hour here and there. We divide and conquer with the kids quite a bit. We need complicated systems to be able to clean the house and grocery shop. We've both battled anxiety and our own neurodivergent traits, because ADHD and autism don't come out of nowhere they're genetic. We've made mistakes etc but dehumanizing and abusive language like ops husband comes from a deeper place and yes he may need help but he needs away from the child for her sake more.

It’s worse than that he said he fantasises about throwing her off a bridge. He said he hates her, she is extremely challenging but he just can’t deal with it anymore.

Good parents can still only cope with so much, and people's breaking points are different.

I don't think there is no way back from this, but the husband needs to accept help.

I think this is really unfair. If this man normally doesn't have any abusive traits then he's actually just broken under the weight of what you're all carrying. I don't think jumping to divorce is necessarily the solution, many families carrying for children with sen hit crisis due to lack of support and then things do gradually change.

It may be though op that he needs to step back at least temporarily to give him the head space to think about what needs to change. And then he needs to actively work on that before deciding he's just throwing the towel in and giving up completely. He still has responsibilities to his kids and to you.

If, however, he has previous form for controlling/narcissistic or other abusive behaviours then you need to look at all of this through that lens and my answers would be very different.

I work long hours. My husband works long hours. Our son is at least as challenging. Good parents step up.

I wouldn’t lbe capable of loving her and would be extremely wound up. It’s obviously terrible, but it would be what it was.

You can’t push yourself to feel things you don’t forever. I suppose you can pretend.

She has ASD and ADHD and oppositional defiance disorder so she’s very defiant which he finds frustrating.
She has melt downs and screams and swears and becomes aggressive and hateful which can last up to half an hour multiple times a day.
He is usually a good dad, he’s always been my rock but he’s just had enough and doesn’t want to know anymore.