My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

If he works long hours and doesn't see her much, it sounds like it's more about a tolerance level which as an adult he needs to sort out.

My husband was like this with our daughter who is ASD with PDA traits, and she sounds similar. They now have a wonderful and loving relationship, so there is hope. He needs a lens change. What helped my husband shift to empathy and love was attending an online seminar with the PDA Society, it was only 1.5 hours, but he changed immeasurably and has totally ‘got’ her since then. For me, reading The Explosive Child was also inspirational - his motto is that kids do well when they can. Your daughter may benefit from low demand parenting,
allowing her to eg eat in her room, have a screen, not have to do homework etc., this lowers the strain on her nervous system and she won’t be in fight or flight mode when he gets home. If she’s at school, the pressure of masking all day ends up with the ‘coke bottle effect’ where bottling up all her autistic traits all day in order to fit in results in explosions of violence and frustration when she is home in her safe place with her safe people, you and him. If you lower demands in everyday life, your evenings and weekends will be easier, it’s been life changing for our daughter. Try watching a few At Peace Parents videos on Facebook / insta or TikTok, she’s amazing at describing how to prevent nervous system burnout, which is where it sounds like your daughter is heading. There is a book called Low Demand Parenting by Amanda Diekman, or have a look at the PDA Society website as she sounds v similar to my daughter, who has demand avoidant traits. Wishing you luck. Hang in there. It’s a blip. Can they watch a TV series / game together to bond over something on her world? He needs to try to remember and see the little girl inside, not the fight or flight nervous system reaction of an ND girl trying to exist in an NT world. Life is hard for her, he needs some tools to learn to empathise. Sending you strength and solidarity!

Or maybe they're there because instead of having parents and teachers who understood their neurotype and nervous systems, they had angry, uncompromising relationships that exacerbated their difficulties rather than supporting them. Prisons are full of people undiagnosed or misdiagnosed or unsupported.

Your readiness to write off a 7 year old child is abhorrent.

Well he needs to get support on how to manage her behaviours better. Is a positive parenting course available in your area?

Sounds depressed.

This. Imagine being hit, kicked, screamed and sworn at, told I hate you all the time at home, the place with is meant to be safe and happy. It's ruining your marriage, making your other children unhappy, and generally trashing the family dynamic.
Now he should not be talking about throwing anyone off bridges, but the man is human. He hates the situation as there is literally nothing to like.
As for an answer? I honestly don't know.

You need to leave this man.

A 7 year old child with a disability having meltdown is very very different to adults commiting crimes. My sister has no diagnosis but was soo like my son as a child, meltdowns, sensory issues, social struggles, concentration difficulties. She's 40 now and a mental health professional. You wouldn't believe this woman was the feral child and yet she absolutely was. Because growing up, all the change, the lack of autonomy etc is so hard for neurodivergent children. That is so different to an adult committing a crime that the fact you can't see a difference is concerning

7!!

It says in the title.

The child is 7 years old, lots of people in prison also have very dysfunctional childhoods and don't receive love as their parents aren't able to love properly.

“The bridge comment doesn’t concern me, in fact. I’ve thought worse stuff and never done it.”
That is really not ok.

How old is your daughter?

Awful situation for you OP

Exactly. Can't blame him.

Because the reality is his daughter is living in abject terror. Her meltdowns are a survival response to extreme fear. Shes not "feral" or loveless for fucks sake.
I'd suggest its highly likely she has PDA not ODD. And if so needs a completely different parenting (and teaching) approach.
No one with a PDA children will tell you its easy, but the parents have a responsibility to try and understand their child's needs not simply fight against them. Once that happens the child is able to respond with love not fear.
@daddywoe you need to get social care involved. Your dd is at risk. She's at best emotionally neglected, likely being emotionally abused by her father's behaviour and potentially physically at risk from him losing control. Get support from school and look at PDA.
Longer term she's at high risk from not having her needs fully identified and will be experiencing trauma from her extreme anxiety.
This is urgent OP. Your daughter needs safeguarding.

What an awful thing to state and not particularly helpful to the OP.

I sincerely hope you’re not a mother - and if you are, that you don’t encounter challenges along the way cuz it sounds like you’re defo not cut out for it

This is why the social care team need to be involved. She will be entitled to a children's assessment and also OP will be entitled to a carers assessment.

By the time she is a teen things may change, but I can say with absolute certainty that things will only get worse if the OP stays.

It depends. These might be intrusive thoughts which might be a symptoms if a breakdown. (One of many bybthe sounds of it). He needs medical help. Phone the GP and if you can, find a private therapist.

Our daugher was the same … her relationship with DH was woeful at times. I also had times when I struggled, it’s hard when your child tells you that they hate you, when they hit you, scream in your face, smash the house up etc. it was awful. DH struggled a lot more than me, and thier relationship completly broke down.

However, she’s 19 now, got diagnosed with ASD at 17 (we had been with CAMHS since she was 14). She is on Sertraline which helps, has been in therapy for a few years, DH did a mindfulness parenting course, and relearned how to parent a ND child.

It’s really hard to navigate, and lots of parents with disabilities have times where they feel like giving up, doesn’t make them bad, just makes them human.

It rather sounds like she is the danger. I would not like to be living as a single mother with her and two other kids when she reaches her teens.

It doesn't sound palatable but I think you need to talk to the safeguarding lead at the school and tell them what you've said here, involve your children's social care team, and call the NSPCC for advice.

You're going to need a lot of professional support to safeguard her against him.

I've name changed for this for obvious reasons.

When you say challenging can you elaborate on the behaviours? Because my eldest (almost 8) has a dual diagnosis of autism and ADHD and his behaviour makes all of our lives a misery sometimes, and that includes our neighbours.

Shouting for hours, screaming, throwing things, smashing things up, attacking us, constant threats to do XY&Z. His demands are off the charts, if he doesn't get something he wants he will raise hell for hours until he burns himself out. Nobody sleeps. He has broken 5 televisions, 11 tablets, countless items of crockery and toys - both his and his siblings. My daughter is scared out of her wits when he comes home.

Contrary to what people would assume when hearing about the behaviour, we are good parents and our other two DC are a testament to that.

Sadly we are left with no other option but to medicate him after years of trying (and failing) to help him in every other way possible. He's in a special needs school with a permanent 1-1 and he's exactly the same there. Its an award winning SEN provision and they struggle with him too. He is quite possibly the most challenging child I have ever known.

All of this to say, I myself have said similar things to the DH in this situation IE giving up on DS completely, out of earshot of the DC but I say it all the same.

I do love him but I don't like him much of the time. How can you find a child endearing when they spend all of their time telling you they hate you and destroying your home? We are all walking on eggshells every day.

The DH likely needs therapy. I know I do.

I wish you the best of luck going forward, you sound like a good mother.

@MissDoubleU I agree that their DD needs to be protected above everything.
When someone is that unwell, they can be dangerous.