My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

My husband and I lived through this. It was awful but at least we didn't have ODD to deal with. I look back now and nothing would persuade me to live through it again. Things do get better generally speaking with age and maturity. Two things that I found helpful was finding something to compliment the child about - I was once reduced to suggesting that they were very good at spotting the shortest supermarket queue. The other thing was to ignore meltdowns if you possibly can - just leave them kicking and screaming on the floor - and walk away. I will say that having a non-neurotypical child can push parents to the edge and judgment by parents not in that situation or having "easy" non-neurotypical children is not helpful. But it is still shocking that your husband is just prepared to walk away and leave you with it all. I am forever grateful that my husband stuck by us during those awful years. I am not sure that respite care is as easy to get as some PP suggest either.

He has had this thought, multiple times, with excitement

where has OP said this?

I think you both need to get professional support and input. DS had an awful year and it nearly broke me and DH and I can easily see how if we hadn’t come out the other end how those kinds of intrusive awful thoughts would creep in - at the worst of it I think I did say I couldn’t do this anymore and I was done because at times being pushed to my limit I was I really almost was

and see if you can join groups or get support from others

@daddywoe is there anyone who can help out - grandparents or other family or friends? Maybe an overnight stay occasionally? Could DH have a night away occasionally to catch up on sleep? Does he ever get time with the other kids without her there? Someone else mentioned respite care & I think you need to look into ways to get some support so that the rest of the family can get some peace (presumably the other 2 children have to cope with this situation too?) It sounds like he’s exhausted & overwhelmed (you probably are too). I’m sure he has no intention of throwing her off a bridge. Sorry it all sounds quite stressful.

I strongly suggest that you speak to the safe guarding lead person at your school & seek help & advice tomorrow
They may help with respite care & other things for you as a family
You need to protect your children & yourself

He wouldn’t be left alone with my child EVER. I’d ask him to leave to stay with family if he can and to come back daily to help with the other 2. I’d be clear I couldn’t live with someone who had made me worry for my child’s safety. Men killing their children happens too often. It’s not something to be taken lightly.

My child can be very challenging but I love her more than anything in this world. She is brave and funny this man is an absolute pig. An hour a day pfft! Stop giving this absolute turd sympathy she be locked up for that comment alone nasty bastard.

i wouldn’t have thought so. Make that gp appt in the morning.

Our daughters sound very similar and Jesus it’s hard! Honestly I was your DP a year ago, I couldn’t see things getting better, I cried so much because she was angry and miserable all the time and honestly so was I.
there was no support, no one to guide us on how to help her so we started to learn ourselves and it has slowly got better we still have very rough days but there’s definitely improvement. The fact your partner is talking to you is good. We got our daughter into gymnastics which she loves and it seems to be regulate her, she now also has a monthly sleep over with a family member which has helped just give us breathing space and it may sound terrible but we got her an iPad and it’s been a godsend for helping her zone out for half an hour after school and just calm down a little (we are strict it’s not endless screen time but just enough) hot baths as well she just loves to float in a hot bath she will stay in there for ages. These little changes have made such a difference

Well I'm more ok than you I suspect.

No this is a pp who described her challenging child and is responding to an absolutely vile question of how she can love him. She's referring to why she loves her child.

And btw, I think your husband was trying to warn you that he will harm your daughter. No matter whether fair or unfair, right or wrong, he is telling you he simply cannot cope anymore and will harm her.

All the shoulds in the world won't change that. Please keep her safe.

Yep! Going low demand and filling sensory needs has 100% improved everything for us!

I’ve just seen you’ve said your daughter has ODD. That’s an outdated diagnosis, and kids who were previously diagnosed with ODD are now seen as having PDA or trauma, and the treatment for these are to go low demand. Definitely check out the PDA Society website, and maybe push for a different diagnosis. And maybe watch a webinar with your husband to see if it fits?

Intrusive thoughts are fleeting and cause distress. The person having them doesn't want them. They're distressing and you feel horrified by them. That's a mental health issue that needs urgent support.

Fantasising is different. It's not a fleeting thought. It's a thought that is dwelled on and relished, even exciting. It's an emotionally explored thought. That is why this should be an imminent safeguarding concern for this child.

If he wants compassion and kindness maybe he should use his agency and autonomy to protect his children, leave, get therapy and seek help for himself instead of using his free time mulling over how to throw his child off a bridge.

Did you get any support from Early Help, respite etc? CAMHS? Any family around? Any other SEN families you can contact for support? How old are your other kids? ODD with ND can be a difficult combination to manage, you're SAHM juggling home and childcare, he's the provider for family of 5, I'm not suprised you're both burnt out. Take care, OP.

Oh give over, if a woman did that best case scenario someone would find mental health help and have her sectioned. Worst case scenario the kids would be taken into care until she proved herself not a danger.

My first reading of this is to think this man is very brave to share this with you. He is at breaking point and is obviously seriously suffering with MH if he is having intrusive thoughts. This is a cry for help.

When a woman is sobbing on the floor saying she can't love her baby and she thinks about drowning it or shaking it or whatever, do we say her Dh should immediately dump her and seek custody? No she is usually met with sympathy and acknowledgement of her PND and advice to seek professional help.

I have a child who went through awful phases of oppositional behaviour although rarely violent and I admit there was a time when my only coping mechanism was to detach myself because I honestly felt sometimes the alternative was to run away and never return. I never got so far to say I didn't love Dc but then they never were specifically abusive to me either. I somehow managed to stop feeling anything at all and just got on with the day. I shrugged off any confrontation and engaged as little as possible. Months later when I found myself coming back I was full of guilt and shame about how I disengaged but now looking back I see it was a coping mechanism to keep me sane.

This man needs help and understanding now. And you OP I really feel for you, it's increased your burden. By helping him you'll help everyone in the family including yourself.

It sounds like he's right to raise the alarm - whether he's a murderous bastard or a burnt-out dad is immaterial in the sense that either could lead to harm for your DD if he continues not coping. So he needs to be able to go somewhere even if it's very temporary, sort out his sleep, get some therapy. I know this is harder than it sounds but if he's a good dad he'll work at it.

It's absolutely a horrific situation and your DD sounds very challenging but your DH is the one who has most agency so he needs to take the actions (which includes safeguarding her if need be). Lots of great suggestions on this thread for where to seek support but ultimately you need to prioritise her as she's more vulnerable. Which it sounds like you are doing, and I'm glad she has you.

You must not leave them alone together. People sometimes do say these things when they cannot stand another minute of caring for another person, and they usually do not not mean it - but sometimes they do and sometimes it happens.

Do NOT leave him alone with her, ever, for any amount of time.

You BOTH need respite, not just him. You need at least one day a week where someone will come and give you respite. If that cannot be family then please contact organisations to help.

You could start here:
National Autistic Society: Advice, support groups, and respite care referrals for families with autistic children, 0808 800 4104 or autism.org.uk.

Contact.org: information, emotional support, and local respite options for parents of disabled children, including autism. Helpline: 0808 808 3555 or contact.org.uk.

The Respite Association: Offers funding and guidance for short-term respite breaks to ease carer burden. Visit: therespiteassociation.org.uk.

Or contact your local council children's services and apply for free or funded short breaks/respite

Once you have regular respite set up, you can take a breath and think about next steps.

Because the behaviours I described are only part of who he is. He's also bright, hilarious, creative, musical, entertaining etc...just a pain in the arse aswell 😂

ASD and ADHD don't come from nowhere -they're genetic. Is it possible he's also ND, maybe undiagnosed and he's passed it down to her?

So you have a double whammy of difficulty to deal with.

He is utterly knackered at work, hasn't really got to know his own child and has no personal resources to deal with her calmly and sensibly.

We're handed a baby and told 'parent that, however they turn out - but you won't be getting any training or support on HOW, you're going to have to figure it out by yourselves. You're on your own'.

Are you both in contact with parents of other children with SEN? Do you have a network?

Shut up shes 7 this is a grown fucking man saying he wants to throw his child off a bridge. Are you ok?

Anxiety is the route cause of asd and adhd meltdowns! The greater the anxiety, the greater the dysregulation and so the greater the meltdowns. That's fundamental to understanding asd and adhd. Anxiety impacts emotional and sensory regulation. You can't discuss meltdowns without considering anxiety.
A ND 7 year old having extreme meltdowns is experiencing extreme anxiety. It is terrifying for them!

That's without considering the additional fear generated by her out of control (dysregulated) father