My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

Are you certain he really means this?
Or was he just at the end of his tether?

The only part of your comment that makes sense is where you agree that this is a crisis and he needs to not be with her unsupervised. I'm not sure why you're ranting at me.

Nobody can make him do anything at all
OP cannot make him raise her, cannot make him develop strategies or anything else.

Where did I say that OP or anyone should make him do any of these things?

If OP tries to force the man who has just said he wants to throw his daughter off a bridge to parent, he will probably just leave - and that's best case scenario.

I don't see anywhere in my post encouraging anyone to "force the man" to do anything, do you? Why are you putting words in my mouth?

and nobody can make him change his feelings.

I disagree. Yes a professional can help him work through his feelings. This could be some sort of situational depression or whatever it is but he need to see someone. He needs serious therapy for these thoughts of harming his child!

No I don't agree that OP should be the one to find the solution for him. Yes, OP can suggest these solutions to him afterall they're a couple. He doesn't need "convincing" as if he's a victim here! They need a social services needs assessment for care and respite, yes. He needs to speak to someone ASAP and keep away from her in the meantime.

We know that he would have to want to do these things for them to work but OP needs to protect her child. I'm not sure where you've read otherwise or why you seem to think that shouldn't be a priority.

Great post. I hadn't heard of that before.

It’s not easy but there is help available. If you’re willing to go to social services and say “I can’t cope” - they CAN provide support. I know several families with ND children who have gotten carers, respite, and other support.

Alternatively, OP could get help with her responsibilities - “mother’s help” type services - leaving her free to care for her DC.

Another important thing is OP educating herself on how to parent an ADHD child with ODD. It’s completely different and she could be unintentionally triggering some of the issues. There are free courses available for SEN parents. They really help and even better, you often make friends with others in similar positions.

Also worth considering the fact that if the OP’s DH is so provocative and confrontational with the child, his absence may make her calmer and thereby making it easier for OP.

I completely hear what you’re saying about the fact that OP has her own breaking point and there’s no easy solution but there is some help out there. Unfortunately you have to be at breaking point to get it.

OP, are you claiming DLA for your child? If not, you really should. It might give you the finances to explore options for extra help, even just cleaners, help with washing, cooking etc.

@daddywoe sending you a big hug. I can’t imagine how hard it this must be for you and your whole family.

Short term - safeguarding of your children is paramount. You are the only one who knows whether or not the bridge comment was a flippant remark or a genuine concern - context, tone, body language etc is everything which we don’t have here. I remmeber saying “I can understand why people shake their babies” about my newborn during a sleep deprived phase. Of course I hadn’t made plns to harm her and didn’t want to harm her but sleep deprivation on top of everything else is extremely challenging. no one told my husband to leave me on the basis of that singular comment but understood that this was a challenging time and I needed support. Ofc if you are at all in anyway concerned about the welfare of your child(ren) you need to get emergency help, DH has to move out and you get help at home for a few days at least. Even without the bridge comment, the fact he is telling her to her face he doesn’t like her is harmful and over time this will unlikely help her with her needs / behaviour. Others have suggested the national autistic helpline, I’m not sure what they can do in the acute situation but worth a try. Do you have any family members closeby who can help ?
Coudl DH have a week or two off work sick? If you could manage that financially he may be alone to sleep in the day whilst your daughter is at school,m and the two of you can have some much needed time together. If he hasn’t already seen the GP I would be strongly recommending that he does - they will be able to monitor his mental health at the moment and are best placed to see if he really is a harm to himself or others.

Longer term Lots of great advice on here already re respite, counselling, low demand management and a specialist PDA course. it sounds like your daughter already known to CAMHS? Would family therapy be an option?

I have no expertise or experience just couldn’t read and run. I really hope you can work through this.

Al these comments saying "he should" or "he needs to" are just not helpful or practical. Nobody can make him do anything at all and nobody can make him change his feelings. The only part of your comment that is helpful is the reality that he must not be allowed to be unsupervised around the 7 year old he has threatened.

OP cannot make him raise her, cannot make him develop strategies or anything else.

If OP tries to force the man who has just said he wants to throw his daughter off a bridge to parent, he will probably just leave - and that's best case scenario.

This is a crisis, yes absolutely. OP must call one or more of the organisations mentioned by me and others in the thread. She MUST organise respite for herself and her husband. She MUST get other people involved.

The only adult OP has any control over is herself. Of course it shouldn't be on her to find a solution - but it simply is. It's shit, but she must deal with this.

Once there is respite care in place and they can take a breath then is the time to discuss how they can move forward - if he can be convinced to do that and if OP wants that.

If a woman had PND and was telling a child capable of comprehension that she hated them and admitted that she was fantasising about chucking them off a bridge, Social Services would be stepping in sharpish.

That has all the red flags you could ask for. It’s not a situation where they just shrug and pat you on the back. It’s serious.

Also, statistically, men are more likely to become violent when they reach crisis point - that makes him even more of a potential danger. That’s without considering the damage that he’s doing with how he’s treating her and what he’s saying to her face.

Thoughts of suicide or harm to oneself or others is a crisis point! If he's fantasising about this, I'd consider him a danger to her. He needs to stay away from her for now, go take a break somewhere and give his head a wobble, then he should contact a therapist that can help him work through this feeling of hate, anger and resentment he feels for his disabled child, and help him with strategies to cope with raising her.

He needs to learn how to raise his own child regardless of how difficult it is. It shouldn't fall only on you.

Still, he needs to not be around her for now for her own safety. This is SS report worthy tbh so you need to proactively protect her before it gets to that.

It can be done alone i didnt think I’d cope without my DD two night sleep over at her dads but when I realised he couldn’t even manage that and was saying quite harsh things I stopped it and guess what? Shes easier, he stresses her out more their house is chaos unlike our peaceful home. She has her moments still I had a dreadful day with her last week but way less frequent. This child will be picking up on this man’s malice.

Lots of women have PND and have similar thoughts….no one would dream about saying LTB they would get sympathy and advice of seeking professional help and babies don’t scream hateful comments day in day out

OP doing it alone may very well push her to beyond breaking point as well. Sometimes people are right when they say they can’t do it alone.

It’s a shit situation for you and your husband OP, not to mention your other two children who are currently having to endure this environment.

There’s no easy answer here.

Op also said he is a hands off dad. Hmmm

He has told the daughter.
And he fantasises another throwing her off the bridge.

There’s lots of really solid practical advice on this thread.

I guess my question is whether OP’s DH is willing to put in the work to understand what’s going wrong and why? Even with support things don’t magically get better overnight and it’s still hard.

As PP said, I think there’s a very big difference between saying “I can’t do this any more, I wish we didn’t have them” and “I fantasise about throwing them off a bridge”.

Lots of SEN parents have been through tough, tough times - I imagine lots have probably thought the former at one time or another, but the latter?! Yikes. Definitely not.

And more than that OP, he’s telling a 7 yr old child that he doesn’t love her and wishes she wasn’t there. That’s going to cause irreparable damage, especially if she has RSD. He’s doing harm that will be very hard to unpick.

I don’t know what to say to you OP other than you might not feel as if you can fo this alone but you absolutely can. It might be exhausting and hard, but I really think you need to ask him to leave the house for a while, even temporarily.

Do you have any other support? Family? Friends? Have you been on any courses yourself to learn about parenting a neurodivergent abd/or oppositional child? Recognising and minimising the triggers can help.

You mention the very common shaken fizzy bottle effect after school - have you tried going to the park before going home? OT recommended it to us and it helped. It provided an outlet for the pent- up stress and anxiety.

I’m so sorry this is happening. Marital breakups are common with SEN families because it IS so bloody hard. But his willingness to show his disdain to your child needs to be stopped now. If he can’t rein himself in, he can’t be around her.

Sending you love.

I am an autistic/ADHD woman with two autistic DC, one of whom who also has PDA and ADHD. I get it 💐

i think he is depressed and struggling. Would he be willing to see the GP?

He is not going to do it with you though. This is not the time for wishes, it's the time for action based on reality.

Contact some of the organisations I listed earlier and don't leave him alone with your daughter at all.

As I said you BOTH need respite. Now is the time to organise that. Right now.

The people on here saying they wouldn't love an autistic child! 😱😢 That's so, so sad. Poor little children. It's not their fault they have autism.

OP's DH has clearly come to the end of his tether. I have no idea if what he said means he's dangerous or not, but maybe he could go and stay somewhere else for a week or two, to give him a break.

I suppose if he really can't stand it, he'll have to leave permanently.

Very helpful with those links.

OP hasn't mentioned in her comments what help the family is getting, but they should take all the help they need. I'd imagine it's very difficult if nigh on impossible in navigating this without proper help.

Sounds like really good advice.

Respite care is another suggestion that was mentioned.

You don't have to do this alone.

And Barnbrack, we don't all react the same. OP has said he is normally a good dad so this "throwing her off a bridge" comment does not correlate with that. I'd cut him slack on this and hope he can get help to cope better.

long post disappeared when I posted … so deleted cause half a sentence didn’t make sense

Do you have any help @daddywoe ? We are having a hard time with our asd son as well but it has def been worse. He used to smash up the house, hit me and his dad and himself. Puberty was awful (12-14), he was able to control worst impulses after that. I still need to give him Tercian every evening so he doesn't get a fit and sertraline for ocd.

It's really tough on everyone and your dh lacks sleep which makes everything worse. When our son was the worst I told my dh to let me handle him because as a sahm I don't have the additional stress from work. I am able to stay calm and see his behaviour for what it is: him suffering. Ask your dh to let you deal with your daughter atleast for now. Let him deal with the other kids. Maybe this can save your marriage because he's at a breaking point and as a sahm you have more emotional ressources to deal with her.

Do you know what the word fantasises means?