My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

I think it’s very common for marriages to fall apart with SEN children, and it’s usually the Fathers that walk away as they can’t cope, it’s recently happened with one of our friends. If you decided the same, your poor daughter would have no one, why does he get to just decide he’s not having anything more to do with her?
Having said that autism, pda and other additional needs is really hard, our eldest is Autistic and I am a lot closer to that child then my DH. My DH tries his best but finds it very difficult because he doesn’t have the skills or patience to deal with defiant behaviour, he has said before ‘why can’t he just do as he’s told’, showing he just doesn’t ’get It’.
Their saving moments are cooking, they both love to cook so often work alongside each other cooking dinner.
If our eldest is spiralling or struggling I’m the person that goes to deal with it, DH tends to sort out the problems of our neurotypical children if I’m tied up.
My DH has said to our child that he loves him so much, he just doesn’t know how best to help him but he is trying to learn and I think that’s what helps, there are moments when I look at him after he has made a situation worse and want to throttle him (DH not our child) but ultimately I know he loves all our children and is trying.
I would really recommend some family therapy if your DH is open to it, but you can’t make someone stay who is ready to go and I wouldn’t want him around your daughter the way he is at the moment.

I’d say she would be better off he did go and she got help and support esp to deal with raging beast having sick thoughts about her.

@daddywoe does your husband really not understand that your daughter has a neurological disorder?

She cannot help her behaviours.

He does not just get to wash his hands of her, she is his child.

Yes, of course, it is more than difficult for all of you but he really needs to reset, and inform himself about her conditions, it is not personal.

The poor little girl is struggling with her life and she needs total support, not condemnation from her Dad.

These links offer explanations and strategies, please show him @daddywoe

Abandoning her is not an option, he needs to step up and support, all of you

eta; have you considered medication for her?

poor soul he’s lost it from seeing his child for an hour a day. I call bullshit I bet he’s a throughly unpleasant man in all areas of life and if he pisses off this child won’t be so anxious. No sympathy what so ever from me! He does need go and needs to go now.

This. He needs help - you all need help. Breaking the home up won’t help any of the children. Good luck.

It sounds like he’s mentally unwell, has gone past breaking point, and you need urgent help as a family. I know people will rush and say ‘he’s a monster, LTB’ but this is more nuanced! Decent men don’t say things that like that unless they’ve lost it.

He sounds depressed. Could he see the gp? Could you ask your local children centre for support? I think he needs therapy. I was in a similar situation to you op, I understand how hard it is.

I had this with my 3rd child, a son with ASD and seems to hate dad. Luckily it was fleeting and he does make an effort now

It’s not about vilifying anyone, it is about keeping the children safe. None of us can know he won’t snap and follow through, can you be sure he won’t?

A life of a seven year old could be in the balance, so of course this must be taken seriously.

He needs to remove himself from the situation and family home, and seek help for himself. Urgently.

Op will have enough to manage, she doesn’t need to take on his care as well, he is an adult. OP’s focus should be on how she will manage in the short term independently, and how she can best support herself and her children.

Sadly very common. Men go into marriage th thinking they are getting a lifelong service in their favour, and the status symbol of kids that someone else will care for. When this is harder work than they expect they quit.

See also: stats of men who leave their sick wives eg due to cancer

I’m not trying to be pedantic but what you’ve stated is not factual and it’s important that it’s challenged precisely because there may be women who may read this who do have PND and they shouldn’t be misinformed.

If a woman had PND and had reported thoughts of harming her child, yes she would be offered professional help which could involve a specialist nurse, medication, therapy, even a mother and baby unit whether she would go informally or needed sectioning. But she may also be left alone with her child depending on the context and the perceived risk. Even women in mother and baby units are allowed time with their children alone (depending on the risk). If all women that have these thoughts believe they will have their children removed from them or not allowed to spend time with them alone, that increases the risk of them pretending those thoughts are not there and not getting the help they need, therefore placing the child at higher risk.

I 100% agree that OPs children may need to be safeguarded but that happens after a risk assessment from professionals who have spoken to OP/ DH, I don’t think we on mumsnet can decide whether this parent is not allowed to be with his child/ children alone based on two comments -(although it seems like DH in this case actually doesn’t want to spend time with them 7yr old and May benefit from some respite in the short term)

I also agree with PP who said it’s a good thing that he has said what he has said, as unpalatable as it is to hear, both OP and DH can get the help need whereas if he felt the need to bottle it up or pretend then the consequences could be high without anyone giving OP all the useful advice that she has has been given on this thread and will no doubt go on to get, because she has been armed with the knowledge of how he feels.

Op, when we deal with cases like this you have to work from
worse case scenario. You can’t afford to hope he won’t follow through, doesn’t mean it, is having a breakdown. All of those things can be true, but you can not take any chances here with the life of your child.

Please reach out for support today - social services, family and friends, the GP (organising counselling for you) the school, local care companies that can help, local charities. There is support.

This is not forever, this is just for now. One day at a time. 💐

You can't. Seriously. I literally was that little girl growing up, and the ODD doesn't go away. I literally didn't do well in school, because I subconsciously was trying to stick it to my parents. It took realizing I wasn't going to graduate with my friends to turn things around. I still had to stay an extra year.

I have an AUDHD teen, and PDA, she used to meltdown extremely after school. We have a well worn path about how to manage this and she is so much better at managing this now.

OP how is the decompression managed after school? Does she get her own space and time?

I feel for the dad tbh not everyone can cope with a disabled child and vilifying him won’t help . By all accounts he’s a good dad with the others so it’s the challenges of the 7 yrs old he can’t deal with .

He is a monster. He fantasizes about killing his own child, who he barely has to even interact with.

And you let him stay in the same house as her?!

Correct. I was not sure about him leaving as I thought dh might have even more to do alone, but having re read the OPs posts again it sounds like he offers no help of any kind anyway, so yes.

And yes, without him there the child might not be so disruptive.

The safety of the children, particularly dd is the highest priority now.

Whether dh needs counselling, strategies etc is secondary.

Op needs to channel her energy into finding support, practical and emotional for herself and her children.

Dh can sort out his own therapy, he is an adult. For now he needs to leave, for the safety of the children, and OP’s finite resources will need to be used to ensure she can manage without him. She might see an improvement in her DD’s behaviour, children know when they are not liked or loved.

It sounds like he is struggling to cope. Everything here is screaming mental health emergency (although the men haters won’t like that) please ring your GP today and explain

So true I wouldn't be able to cope with a kid like it

Op he has clearly told you how he feels, please take it seriously.

You said he means it, and I think you are right.

Even in a moment of pure rage to say you want to kill your child is beyond serious, especially if he has outlined the way in which he would do it, things have gone too far and are now extremely dangerous.

He is ‘done’ because he recognises that he has crossed a line. He is now a grave risk to all of you, not just dd.

Please tell any close family members and friends, and look into support externally because I think it’s incredibly dangerous allowing this man to stay living with your young children. Whether he is at breaking point or the reasons for this are largely irrelevant.

I can hear the pain in your posts. The desperation of the situation. You need to work on a plan without him now, for your children’s sake.

People are saying he needs professional help but if a woman was saying she thinks of harming her baby she absolutely would be monitored and not left alone with her child!! This man needs help. Major difference also being those women have just given birth and gone through major biochemical changes that alter their brain chemistry and the trauma and stress of childbirth and postpartum. It’s not actually comparable but clearly this man is also at crisis point and op needs to act on it!

Is he going through some sort of depression? ASD is hard for families. People often think it is a quirky personality trait or 'superpower' but it is a debilitating disability for many children. My daughter has ASD and it is tough going. We love her to pieces of course but I also think my back ground in SEND helps. Imagine a parent who pictured a perfect family and wanted to be a perfect dad. He may be grieving the family he thought he would have. He may hate the way she challenges his ability to be the parent he thought hw would be. I do think him saying he doesn't love her and wants to throw her off a bridge is a red flag though. He needs mental health support quick time. Would he be open to speaking to a professional?