My husband is giving up on our 7 year old daughter.

This is exactly why some of us are talking about what he needs to do alongside what OP needs to do for her child. We should be paying attention to the OP, not what we think is better than other pp's posts.

@daddywoe I hope some of the posts here have helped you with the way forward. Please protect your daughter first, then do what you have to do.

if Social services at a whiff of this he’d be out and the op would be warned that if he came back kids would be removed. It’s serious alright.

Well maybe I am little sensitive because I dealt with this myself so I have first hand experience and believe me his behaviour almost pushed me over the edge more than anything. Not man bashing but certain people should not be parents. I love more daughter more fiercely and believe me I felt at breaking point myself but got help and resources for my child i didnt say I’d chuck her off a bridge. He’s the crisis he needs to go!!

Please take this seriously. He didn’t say he fantasises about jumping off a bridge himself - but causing life ending harm to your daughter instead. His exhaustion and depression is very understandable given your daughter’s significant needs, but the fact he’s expressed fantasies of escaping his responsibility by harming your daughter rather than himself is extremely concerning.

@Lucy2586 your repeated man bashing posts here are not really helping. This is a serious situation about one family in crisis not a general speculation about men's behaviour.

He doesn’t get to be done with her. He doesn’t have to love her or like her but he sure as hell doesn’t get to abandon her care to you 100% or neglect her. She is his responsibility… even if she is not his joy.

When I had PND I had thoughts of hurting my child, I was honest with my GP and my husband and I got counseling which helped tremendously. Hes 4 now and we are very close (hes still a pain in the butt sometimes!). From my perspective I was severely depressed stressed and sleep deprived, I wasn't a monster, I needed help. He must see a GP and get urgent therapy, pay privately if needs be. It's vital for both himself and also the well being of your child because growing up with a parent who says they hate you will cause immeasurable damage. If he cant or wont do this he needs to leave.

Exactly.
Except saying he needs therapy isn't taking away from all of that. I'm sure it helps OP to know there are options besides LTB.

Long term counselling for both sets of parents, along side other strategies such as sen parenting classes, support groups in person and on line etc.

This is equally saying the same thing and talking about what he needs which we're all in agreement with. We're all saying the same thing.

I was going to say exactly that about men that leave after wife gets sick. I tend to think they must be narcissistic arseholes.

How severe is her autism?

The reason I ask is you might consider respite where you physically get her out of the home.

I have an autistic child (the most severe) and there have been a few violent meltdowns. I absolutely could not cope if they were to continue. I’ve been kicked in the face before. His screams were so loud that on one occasion neighbours came over - one was two houses down and could still hear screaming.

One time school told me they had to lock him in a supply cupboard because he was being violent and I understood why.

He has severely injured himself to the point a doctor told me he would ordinarily call CPS. Another time he was thrashing about and got a cut to his face.

One thing I’m very clear on is that I don’t put up with that behaviour. Apparently you’re just meant to let them meltdown and ignore them. It has stopped but I wouldn’t be able to cope if that was going to be the rest of my life.

Your husband has told you that he wants to throw your daughter off a bridge. That is severe. What on earth is she doing for an hour when your husband comes home? Is she doing vocal stims?

I’ve seen violent and hyperactive autistic kids respond to medication. Maybe it’s time you either put her on something or give her something stronger.

Agreed and this is also exactly what I've said. Saying he needs counselling, etc is adding to what's already been said since the OP is posting about him.

Some pp are saying simply Ltb and some of us are saying he needs to leave and seek counselling first then go from there. No one is calling for OP to sort that out for him or ignore the clearly high priority of the safety of her child. Infact it's been the opposite on here for the most part, although some people keep saying that OP will have to do that work for him and convince him to follow through which is bizarre.

Just to add that your local council should have a family support service.

Whether he has ‘lost it’ or needs help is largely irrelevant, he needs to leave the house.

Of course he can express his darkest thoughts, to a counsellor and a professional (just for the record most therapists at this point would have a duty to report if they believed he might follow through)

There is a good chance he is telling op because he is afraid of what he will do, he is effectively safe guarding his own child by raising the alarm bells himself. It’s best we listen to him, and act accordingly.

Safe guard the children first - that means he leaves the family home for now

Oxygen mask on the mother (op) with as much support as possible.

Long term counselling for both sets of parents, along side other strategies such as sen parenting classes, support groups in person and on line etc.

I am finding it hard not to judge him. Its ok that he finds it hard and may want to escape but that he may actually do that and leave you to cope with everything by yourself is unforgiveable. Unforgiveable to all your daughters too.

There will be family services who can come in to help here. We have support from family support workers and the autism service due to autism in the family. As others have said, a professional therapist may help him too but you may want to ask these specialists if they can recommend anyone suitable. Lots of therapists are crap. He needs someone who can help him, not just listen to him and expect him to heal himself through that.

That's reasonable. If it's a MH issue (stress,) it might be fixable if he wants it to be
But he would need to want to fix it/go to therapy

What's your strategy for dealing with meltdowns?

Oh God @daddywoe this is so sad. DH and I adore the bones of our two autistic children but it can be hard work. I think your DH needs some therapy and some parenting courses for dealing with your DD. He is clearly at his wits end but he is the adult here so he can’t be taking that out on a child. I think with some support you could come to some better strategies for dealing with your DD. Meltdowns all of the time shows that there is something extremely wrong with her environment.

That could be literally anything as you know I’m sure, it could be floor tiles, kids screaming in yard, an uncomfy uniform, anything but that degree of dysregulation means it is very much something.

We have been around so many autistic kids over the years and even the most dysregulated of them have calmed down once the environment improved. Both you and your DH need support coming to terms with the diagnosis.

You need to leave him. Period. He shouldn't have contact with any of his children. He is not fit to be a parent.

I have 2 DC, both with autism, one with severe learning difficulties and challenges behaviours. I get it's not easy but what he is saying is absolutely unacceptable. You need to safeguard your children.

Just to clarify when I said he needs to step back at least temporarily, what I meant was leaving the house. That wasn't clear from my post. I just was meaning that I disagree that there's absolutely no way back from this.

Why is she saying she hates him?
Is she disciplined for that?
Sounds like he's burnt out. He isn't fantasising about hurting her - he's fantasising about a normal life without the difficulties she brings.
How are your other children coping?

Is your daughter safe? He sounds mentally unwell. Please leave him asap.

Do you have any experience of having a child with ADHD or Autism and trying to get help for them? Contrary to uninformed public opinion, no one is there to shower you with help, and it isn't poor parenting. The level of pressure you're under constantly wrecks mental health and marriages and it's unrelenting. That family needs help, like thousands of others, yet the people who should provide that help all too often spend their time working out reasons why they don't need to. When you get a diagnosis, that is it. No support, no extra help. Just people shying away. He's said things because he's at the end of his tether and grieving for the child he expected to have. It's common amongst parents of disabled children. So, sadly, is suicide and divorce.

I'm sympathetic to him to be honest, some asd children can be hard to love. I totally get it. The frustration can become overwhelming.
Giving up though is not the way, he needs some proper help in how to manage. Has he tried visiting your local asd parenting groups. Hearing how others deal with the issue can be helpful even though the individual character problems are so variable.

Do you think he’s trying to instigate a divorce and no contact with her on safety grounds?

Sadly, have a look at the divorce figures for families with autistic children. I've got 2 of them and one's a sensory seeker and one's an avoider, which is quite normal, but makes life that extra bit harder.

The only advice I have is the old classic of 'I'll always love you but right now I don't like you very much.' That and chocolate and wine and anything else that makes the day a little bit easier. That age was one of the toughest in my experience because it was when I had to stop thinking 'oh, they'll grow out of it' and the academic expectations started ramping up.