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Original poster

Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

189 replies

lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:05

I'm not at all. I dropped him off yesterday and feel sick. I have cried so much over the last week (not in front of him until the last minutes) and now I just feel numb. It doesn't matter what anyone says about coming home for the holidays etc, because, true as that may be, it won't be at all the same. His childhood is over and that (nearly) two decades has been the best time of my life. He has a younger sibling and once he leaves in a couple of years that will be it. I'm a single parent and have put everything into my children and now it's pretty much over there is nothing left. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to now and it's just a steady decline.

I'm thrilled for my dc and what he has achieved and I do have a career but that's it. This is way too hard and I don't think it's spoken of enough.

OP posts:
madameimadam · 05/10/2025 15:16

Yes, it is painful but it’s also wonderful. How fantastic that you’ve given your DS the support and love he needs to get to uni!

My DD has been at uni for nearly two weeks now. She’s popped back this weekend as she had an appointment so decided to stay over. It’s been really lovely - she’s bubbling with news and I can’t remember her being this happy and excited. Know it sounds silly, but she seems a little bit more grown-up.

I’ll miss her terribly when she heads back later today but it’s a relief knowing how happy she is.
I also have a younger one and when she goes too, that’ll be tough.

Change can be hard but look at it as an exciting new chapter in your DS’s life. And maybe an opportunity for you to think about what you want from the next few years too?

Big hug tho. Chin up.

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:15

How far away is he?

TheaBrandt1 · 05/10/2025 15:15

This is why I fear for those women that make having children their whole life and personality. It’s a temporary life stage like your own childhood or being at university. It ends. Honestly I want to warn young parents of this.

Enigma54 · 05/10/2025 15:14

OP, I forgot to say, the sadness soon turns to feeling proud. And as @SpiritAddersaid, DS still need you, but in different ways.

Enigma54 · 05/10/2025 15:11

YANBU. When we dropped DD off 2 year ago, I cried all the way home. Couldn’t go in her room for a week, without crying. It DOES get better. Allow yourself to feel what you feel 😊

SpiritAdder · 05/10/2025 15:10

They will still need your guidance as young adults. It isn’t over, it is a new phase of life. It’s hard, and ok to have a cry because it is like crying when your baby had their first day of school in kindergarten.

Empty nest means more time for you to pick up any hobbies you had sacrificed to raise your children. It is an opportunity for you to have time for yourself doing things you enjoy.

topcat2014 · 05/10/2025 15:10

DD has been away for two weeks so far, and we are going to see her in another 2. We do miss her - but have been in touch via whatsapp. I am not "sad" as such, as I am so proud of what she is doing - but I am a bit wistful. It occurred to me recently that we talk about our children "growing up" without taking on board that while they do that we "grow old".

With only 1 DC, we are in full empty nest mode now. No PE kit or food tech worries on a sunday night though, and we don't have to buy as much cereal :)

RememberBeKindWithKaren · 05/10/2025 15:10

Well I get how it feels right now but we wouldn't want them at home with us forever either. You do your best for them and then they go.

Life goes on, kids grow up and that's just how it is. They're starting an exciting new chapter and you just have to be there in case they need your help.you'll be fine Op x

Bigearringsbigsmile · 05/10/2025 15:10

It's unbelievably hard. You are not alone at all.
There will be people who come on and poo poo it as if you can't be happy for them at the same time as feeling bad for yourself but it's all true.

People said to me " you get your life back" but that's not possible because I am not in my 20s anymore and having children changed me. What you have to do is build an entirely new and different life. And you will do this but it takes time and there will always be a bit of you that misses their childhood.

Be really kind to yourself and give yourself time.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 05/10/2025 15:09

i'm dreading this too but i have made active steps to find me again. I started playing in a band and getting my own interests again. It won't be long until your ga and you'll still be needed.

blizymitzy · 05/10/2025 15:09

It’s tough but be proud of the confident,successful person you have raised and take time to think about what you want your life to look like going forwards.
new hobbies,seeing friends and family and having time for yourself is a gift .
You will calm down and get used to it but don’t let your younger dc feel pressured to stay as you are not showing them how good it is that their sibling has done so well.
its such a strange time when the first goes but you need to build a life that is full of what you want for the future and be proud of where you have all come.

thisishowloween · 05/10/2025 15:07

I’m sorry you’re so sad.

But unfortunately this is why you shouldn’t put everything into your children.

NoItsStillNighttimeDarling · 05/10/2025 15:06

You are not being unreasonable. Mine are 4 and nearly 2 and I already dread this moment. Sending hugs x

toadstool32 · 05/10/2025 15:06

My eldest daughter is only in y11 but I’m sure I’ll be the same - as excited as I know I’ll be for her too.

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