Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

189 replies

lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:05

I'm not at all. I dropped him off yesterday and feel sick. I have cried so much over the last week (not in front of him until the last minutes) and now I just feel numb. It doesn't matter what anyone says about coming home for the holidays etc, because, true as that may be, it won't be at all the same. His childhood is over and that (nearly) two decades has been the best time of my life. He has a younger sibling and once he leaves in a couple of years that will be it. I'm a single parent and have put everything into my children and now it's pretty much over there is nothing left. I just feel like there is nothing to look forward to now and it's just a steady decline.

I'm thrilled for my dc and what he has achieved and I do have a career but that's it. This is way too hard and I don't think it's spoken of enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:48

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:40

I was on your other thread about having a go at your DS for not being sufficiently excited about Christmas. I will leave you be as there’s history

Oh my god - what is it with people searching posting histories like this - isn't it against some kind of rule? Well done you. Yes, there's history. Like just about every other parent I have got some things right and some things wrong. I have used MN for advice many times, obviously focusing on the negatives, as there's no need to post for advice when everything is ok. Anyway, we had a lovely time in the end last Christmas - thank you for asking and being so invested in it. FFS.

OP posts:
hamstersarse · 05/10/2025 15:41

Empty nest is a very real thing. I had it 2 years ago, they both had flown the nest. Like you, I was very very happy for them to be off into the world, but there was a sense of redundancy. I had been a single parent, we were all incredibly close, I had a good career but pretty much my whole life had to be structured around them...and then boom, you are redundant.

Since then I have created a new life, I sold the family home of 20 years and moved onto a new career, something I feel suits me much more. I still miss them terribly but I also know I cannot be a needy parent - there is nothing worse when you are in your 20's trying to build your life as having a mum who is sad and weepy and needy - so I am not!

I read a book about motherhood which really helped me - it is about the journey that motherhood takes us on, how it shapes us, how it strengthens us, but ultimately the hardest part of all is that if you are a good mum, you have to let them go - which is the harshest of all the lessons. You don't get to keep them, and to do that would be an awfully selfish act.

Boomer55 · 05/10/2025 15:40

My adult kids went to Uni, and I hide my sadness. My son met an American girl and emigrated there 15 years ago. Again, I hid my sadness.

We give our kids wings to fly - and we have to surpress our feelings. They need to live their dreams. 😊

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:40

I was on your other thread about having a go at your DS for not being sufficiently excited about Christmas. I will leave you be as there’s history

jsku · 05/10/2025 15:40

Going through the same. Feels like I am mourning the childhood that ended. And also knowing that big chunks of it they (the kids) do not remember, and those memories only exist in my head.
Of course I know for them its exciting and they need to grow up and live their lives.
And of course I know I’ll adjust to the role of a ‘parent to an adult child’. But it’s tough.
I feel nostalgic and bit jealous seeing people with small kids.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:38

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:31

Neither are aware of me constantly crying, no.

how so? How old is your youngest?

Well, I'm not 'constantly' crying, for a start. I used that word in my reply to the PP who had used it, but in my OP I said I've cried 'so much', not 'constantly. I've cried in bed, in the car to/from work, in work to a close friend, when cooking tea, when getting dressed and hearing ds blasting out his music, which has driven me mad and will now be missed. He has music on so loud and uses pretty much every room in the house so that when I put an Alexa on I have to immediately shout at it to turn the volume down. Obviously that won't be happening now, which is a positive I suppose.

DC know I'm upset but not exactly how I feel and I really don't think I've guilt-tripped him or put a downer on it for either of them. DD is 15 and out with friends now - she certainly doesn't know how low I feel today.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 05/10/2025 15:37

TheaBrandt1 · 05/10/2025 15:15

This is why I fear for those women that make having children their whole life and personality. It’s a temporary life stage like your own childhood or being at university. It ends. Honestly I want to warn young parents of this.

It’s a few weeks of sadness then adjusting to the new normal and starting your own new path with a mature mind. Nothing to warn against, really.

I’m going to be sad but I’m also excited for me.

Skybluepinky · 05/10/2025 15:33

Often these are the children that can’t wait to break away from their parents who have smothered them.
You need to make a life for yourself as it will never be the same again.
Find new hobbies, start a course etc

ResusciAnnie · 05/10/2025 15:33

TheatricalLife · 05/10/2025 15:17

There was a massive thread on here the other day about exactly the same thing, so you are definitely not alone and its definitely talked about!

Exactly, I think it’s spoken about soooo much! I think the same when people say ‘why did no one tell me babies are so hard, no one is talking about this!’….. WHAT?!

OP it’s sad and a change and a massive shift in your life. You’ll fill your life with new exciting stuff in time I’m sure. This time next year you’ll be all adjusted and loving life.

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:31

Neither are aware of me constantly crying, no.

how so? How old is your youngest?

tripleginandtonic · 05/10/2025 15:30

Children grow up. I'm pleased mine are independent and are leading their own lives. Crying is ott, they'll always be toyr children amd you'll have lovely memories of their childhood. Time to live your own life now

Bigearringsbigsmile · 05/10/2025 15:29

lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:25

Thank you all for the kind words.

This is why I fear for those women that make having children their whole life and personality. It’s a temporary life stage like your own childhood or being at university. It ends. Honestly I want to warn young parents of this.

I do understand what you mean @TheaBrandt1 , and I agree to an extent of course, but it's not really applicable to me. Ex left when youngest was 2. I had a very demanding career, which I still have and have progressed in. Other than that, I'm an introvert with a few friends and no real hobbies as such - I love reading, travel, films etc and have enjoyed those with the dc. I wasn't 'making the children my whole life,' so much as devoting the time I had left after work to them, which I had to do or they would have been neglected, and often it didn't feel enough, never mind too much.

Neither are aware of me constantly crying, no. They know I'm upset but also happy, proud and excited for him.

I know there are a couple of threads like this every year and it is spoken of, but I feel like it's not widely spoken of in the way other parenting challenges are. Before I had kids I had absorbed the idea that changing nappies and sleepless nights were the hardest part of parenting, and they're really not.

They're absolutely not.
Parenting adult children is so hard because you have no control whatsoever and just have to stand back, watch them make mistakes and be there to pick up the pieces.

OriginalUsername2 · 05/10/2025 15:28

Next year my DD / youngest goes, I know I’m going to feel it physically and painfully. She still cuddles me all the time - I’m going to miss that so much 😭

The only way out is through - feel the feelings so they can be processed. It’s the end of an amazing and tough era. They are so valid.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 05/10/2025 15:25

This was us two years ago and all I can say is it does get easier as time goes on. In two to three weeks it will feel much more normal. We have just dropped our second one off and that has felt sad, happy, stressful and exciting all in one. There will be wobbles on both sides over the coming weeks but you will all get through it. Take time to experience the emotions but also do something fun with the younger one. Go and watch a film at the cinema or just on the sofa with some popcorn. Let him choose the film. It is an opportunity to bond with him. With the cost of living your son might be living back home for a few years after his degree.

Original poster
lurchersforever · 05/10/2025 15:25

Thank you all for the kind words.

This is why I fear for those women that make having children their whole life and personality. It’s a temporary life stage like your own childhood or being at university. It ends. Honestly I want to warn young parents of this.

I do understand what you mean @TheaBrandt1 , and I agree to an extent of course, but it's not really applicable to me. Ex left when youngest was 2. I had a very demanding career, which I still have and have progressed in. Other than that, I'm an introvert with a few friends and no real hobbies as such - I love reading, travel, films etc and have enjoyed those with the dc. I wasn't 'making the children my whole life,' so much as devoting the time I had left after work to them, which I had to do or they would have been neglected, and often it didn't feel enough, never mind too much.

Neither are aware of me constantly crying, no. They know I'm upset but also happy, proud and excited for him.

I know there are a couple of threads like this every year and it is spoken of, but I feel like it's not widely spoken of in the way other parenting challenges are. Before I had kids I had absorbed the idea that changing nappies and sleepless nights were the hardest part of parenting, and they're really not.

OP posts:
Elsvieta · 05/10/2025 15:22

You need a new thing. Time to start working out what it is. The possibilities are infinite. It may be a while until you see it, but this is hugely exciting. Good luck.

Hadenough2022 · 05/10/2025 15:21

It is very early days and it’s a big change. I felt sad for the end of their childhood but gradually I have got used to it. Term will fly by and it will be the holidays before you know it.
There are some positives such as a nice quiet house with less washing etc.
Just keep yourself busy and plan stuff to look forward to. You will adjust in time to this new stage.

ButterPiesAreGreat · 05/10/2025 15:21

The holidays may be longer than you think! DD was home for 5 weeks and 2 days over Christmas then 3 weeks at Easter, then came home mid-June. And she has a reading week in November that she comes home for. It felt like forever last year tho she went earlier.

Definitely consider this an opportunity to explore new hobbies or opportunities for outside interests. It’s not a steady decline if you don’t want it to be.

Orders76 · 05/10/2025 15:21

It's incredibly hard to move into this phase.
Someone once said something beautiful to me and I find it helps when I think about this, 'they were never yours to begin, you just get to guide them and hold their hearts a while before they flutter away'.
Think of the wonderful amazing life and opportunities you've given them x

Snakemum2 · 05/10/2025 15:18

I am dreading this! My only DD is 16 and she has aspirations to travel to a totally different place for uni far away.

On the one hand I’m excited for her and so proud of her, on the other I had her at 19 and she has been my whole adult life. I raised her alone until 3 years ago when I met my partner but even still she is such a huge huge part of my life. Even having partner who is great would never fill the gap she will leave when she moves away

Anothercoffeeafter3 · 05/10/2025 15:17

He will be home soon and life changes. I have a great relationship with my parents and see them 2/3 time a week…….we get on much better having seperate houses 🤣

gamerchick · 05/10/2025 15:17

Empty nest syndrome is a thing. I personally didn't suffer from it, but then my youngest is too disabled to leave home.

Maybe this is a nudge to start getting a life outside of your kids for the future. It can't do any harm.

TheatricalLife · 05/10/2025 15:17

There was a massive thread on here the other day about exactly the same thing, so you are definitely not alone and its definitely talked about!

Centuriesahead · 05/10/2025 15:16

Is his younger sibling aware of you constantly crying?

Peoplepleaserincrisis · 05/10/2025 15:16

My children are still in primary/secondary but I often feel very sad and nostalgic for when they spread their wings and leave home as I will obviously miss them terribly. They have been biggest focus in your life.

I have to say, as much as it makes me feel sad and I think your feelings are understandable, my own mother was VERY dramatic and intense about me doing the same and it did drive a bit of a wedge between us for a time.

I was constantly made to feel guilty for moving on in my life and I found it very draining every time we interacted. I'm not at all saying that is what you are doing but would say be mindful of how you deal with these emotions when interacting with your son. Try and feel proud for the way you have raised him to be confident and ambitious! Maybe look at ways you can build a life away from just raising your children- look at potential new hobbies you can start. It's a new chapter but it definitely doesn't have to be a "decline".