Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

All of this. When I think of me going off to uni in the 80s pre-mobile phones, when nobody in my family had ever gone to uni before, I realise how scary it must have been for my parents (especially as a very high profile murder happened a few miles away from us a month into my first term). And I drove myself as we were allowed to have cars on campus! I spoke to my mum once a week via a pay phone in halls. Now, I can message DD any time I like. I usually send her pictures of the cat, and we chat about all kinds. Usually FaceTime weekly. When she’s home, she spends a lot of time in her room, goes out with friends and often stays over. There was once over the summer when she didn’t come home for 3 days, although she always told me where she was. We did a few things over summer together but not a great deal. I think it’s hardest when they are not well and you can’t look after them.

Mumsnet threads are only good for two pages these days, if you’re lucky.

This is so incredibly offensive to bereaved parents.

you’re not unreasonable to feel this way (so long as DC don’t know) you’ll find your way.

Mel Robbins does a great video on this, have a watch x

Well said

It's like a bereavement.

It really isn't.
That is a horrible thing to say.

You should be ashamed of yourself and give a little thought to those who have been bereaved.

I'm so very sorry for your profound loss 💐

Of course it's not like a bereavement. What utter, stupid, insulting bollocks.

I think it's probably not talked about that much because it probably isn't particularly normal to be so upset. I think most parents probably wave their children off and wish them luck and be glad for them - I didn't shed a single tear. Either that, or I'm just horrible!

YABU

It probably isn't commonly discussed as it isn't a common feeling.
Most of us are excited to see our dc enjoying the next natural step in life.
Yes, we might miss them, but do not have 'a pain'.

Other than that, I'm an introvert with a few friends and no real hobbies as such - I love reading, travel, films etc

So you have built a life that revolves around solo activities (which you can still do) and your dc. Where are your friends in this? Where are people you can have a good old moan to over a coffee or a glass of wine or a walk in the fresh air ?

I agree as a fellow single parent. There's only so much one person can do as well as working and being in all likelihood the children's only proper parent.

Your hobbies and interests get drowned out by the necessity of working, single parenting and running a home.

People who are happily married have a ready made companion to alleviate the pain of the empty nest in a way that single parents just don't.

My hobbies pre children were studying for my A levels, clubbing, drinking and pulling fit men. I've changed 🤣

It really is NOT like a bereavement. Speaking as a mother whose ds died a year ago tomorrow...you have no idea.

I was in your position 3 years ago OP and remember it well. I thought I'd be OK but walking into DD1's room to get her laundry floored me. I was just getting better a week later when I had a dream that she had come home 😭 and that put me back to square 1. Honestly though, it does get easier. My dd1 is over 100 miles away so only see her every few months but it makes it all the more special. And when she comes home it's a bit of an adjustment as she has little things about us, like leaving the landing light on at night, that get on her nerves so we have to remember to turn it off, oh and having the TV down low so she can't hear it 🤣. And food lasts longer! I do wish my dd1 hadn't moved so far away but she's in a city she loves & has loads of friends & hobbies so I'm very proud of her

I can sympathize. DS year 12, single parent. Future feels like staring into the abyss. But I had a thought the other day. Imagine if your DS wanted to stay at home indefinitely, no enthusiasm to go anywhere or build a life. Ultimately that would be harder. I really hope it gets easier for you. Not even going to do the usual ‘join a club, keep busy’ because you will have heard this!!

Speak for yourself!

It was hard with DD1 as it did feel really rushed as well - city had big event so couldn't get back over second day.

It took a while for it to feel normal - we had two kids left at home.

It's felt easier with DS - better idea what to expect we did drop off differently as well so felt less rushed.

Doesn't mean I'm not keen for them to be where they are or that I'm not proud or that I haven't got other things going on in my life but it's a big change and I do miss them - then you slowly adjust.

Empty nest syndrome is very much a real thing and can be very hard indeed.

Bringing up children takes so much, of course it can be a shock to the system when they're not around day to day any more, as well as just missing them.

I feel your pain, as I’m a total empath and I’ve been through this, BUT, your job is to nurture and educate your children to be independent adults who can survive without their DM. They don’t need a mum whose only interest is them-what a burden. Believe me, if you carry on in this way, becoming needy of them, you could push them so far away that they avoid you altogether. Both my DC didn’t really return home properly after Uni, they chose to live with partners and now have their own homes with said DPs, both of whom I adore.
I am also single ans will remain so; I fill my life with hobbies, friends, dogs and a part time job and fun. They visit for food and/or a laugh, because they enjoy seeing me and not because I’m crying down the phone or guilting them into it. I can recommend Sertraline or another SSRI/SRNI to maybe lift your mood and stop the tears. Worked well for me but for different circumstances. Sorry if I’ve been harsh-wishing you all the best, OP.

Had two have been and finished and youngest due to start next year. You’ll be fine, the holidays are long and you can still have a great relationship with your adult child. But yes, childhoods are over so quickly, and things will change but your relationship is far from over.

It's like a bereavement.
I left home at 17 to go to university and never realised, until my eldest did the same, the huge hole you leave behind.
All my 4 children did the same and it never got easier. I cried a bit harder and a bit longer with each one. The good news it does get better and pretty quickly.
In reality by the time each of mine left home we didn't spend a huge amount of time together day to day anyway. I really only saw them in the morning, the occasional dinner time and in the car when driving them different places. It's the knowledge that they won't be home that hurts. And knowing that soon enough they will visit you rather than view your house as home is hard. But you do get used to the new normal. The lack of responsibility for their day to day needs becomes freeing. It helps (believe it or not) when you realise that they are not sitting in their room missing home but are actually out living their best life, a life you made possible for them.
It's true, things will never be the same. It's the start of a new normal.

Like moving away for uni, I think this is all part and parcel of the growing awareness of our DC getting older and more independent of us. We're still doing stockings and waiting for Santa and they want a cash transfer and left to sleep 'til noon! Give people a break.

I’m not sure it is unfair really - being a single parent doesn’t mean you never have time to yourself and never have the opportunity to keep up your own social life, hobbies and interests. Yes, it can make it harder, but it’s not impossible.

That's unfair, as single parents often have little choice and the most positive way to cope with the relentlessness is to put your all into it. OP mentions she has a career as well, but careers aren't usually the same emotional investment or reward of parenting.

My DD went two weeks ago and it really has hit me way worse than I thought it would.
i love the fact that she’s doing it and I am so proud of her but home feels empty and I feel lost!

It's very hard. DS is 21 and in 4th year now. After we dropped him off at his halls in 2022 I remember seeing families in the supermarket with younger DC and wishing that was us.
You will get used to it. DS posted pics of his evening meal, some of them weird and wonderful! It was good to keep in touch this way.
As pp say, be kind to yourself. Remember he will need a lot of support as he navigates adult, independent life. You are definitely not redundant in his life. It's also lovely to see them blossom BECAUSE of the time and love you have invested in them.