Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

You have my sympathies. I dealt with this by relentlessly scheduling activities - book club, choir, theatre, dog walks with friends etc until I got used to it. The DC are back from uni quite a lot of the time. It’s hard, but it is also right for your children. Good luck, you will be fine in the end.

On this site there are pages and pages of people saying exactly the same thing. I think in real life most people take a rather more balanced view.
But I totally agree with those upthread who remind young parents to take this as a warning not to invest all their energy and sense of worth in their children. There is much more to life than being a parent, and none of us can go through life dependent on others for our happiness - we have to make our own happiness.

I wouldn't worry too much, housing is so expensive, they'll be back.

It's NOT a bereavement. Absolutely not never not !

It IS grief and it is a massive change

It DOES pass and it does get better

Yep.

My son almost died last year, he thankfully survived against all of the odds and it completely changed my mindset. I will never again act sad about him getting older, he'll be 10 in December and I've never been more thankful to watch him get older.

But the OP isn't talking about the weird feeling of having an empty nest.

That is a common feeling / experience.

She is talking of pain and being sick and sobbing.

That ^ isn't.

Sending a huge hug OP as I dropped DD off yesterday and have been feeling very wobbly all day. I think so many parents go through this. DDs uni has a parents group chat and there's been lots of support on there with many mums expressing similar emotions. Wonder if it's the same uni as to be fair most have gone back already. Understand if you don't want to say. Take care of yourself and perhaps book a visit in a few weeks when he's settled in.

When people talk about 'getting their life back,' I just find it odd. You aren't going to ping back to how you were 18 years ago.

I think your supposed to find a "new" life rather than get exact old one back - but not found older teens that much of a tie TBH - pets are more of one - and it's not like there suddenly more money to do more with.

Deepest sympathies to you, there is no bereavement worse in this world.

@lurchersforever This is the real parenting pain that isn't talked about enough. There is no word for a parent who has lost a child, no word can describe this loss. Your child has grown up and gone to university.

I am really sorry that my clumsy words upset you.
It was not my intention.
I can't imagine your pain.

On the other hand I have photos of my Mum beaming with delight when I left home. My Dad and I are bawling and looking bereft but she's just filled with utter joy. I was a horrendous teen 🤣 she was sick of me.

I think you need to stop and do a reset.

You have raised a confident, intelligent , hard working, ambitious human being, Which , if two decades ago you had sat down and written it, would probably all have been included on the list of personal attributes you wanted your baby to have to see them through life . So well done.

That is essentially why we have children, so that they can take their place in the world as adults. On the way we can feel proud of their achievements, and should also be proud of our own achievements for steering them in the right direction - but they are not ours to keep. The cage is opened , your child is poised to fly . Enjoy watching him spread his wings and soar, one day he will fly back to you, and he will be wiser, stronger , more aware of the wider world and ready to contribute using the values that you have given him.

It is an ending and deeply final when they leave. I couldn’t go in my daughter’s room, everything made me cry. It is grief, grief for what has gone.

Thr first semester is the worst. I could barely sleep. Organise a visit and little parcels and try and stay busy.

After Christmas it gets much easier. You will have reading week and Easter and then they are home late spring and things will feel like they never changed op. I counted down the days, and once dd was back it felt exactly the same.

You are still his family, and it is still his home. That will never change. I have found each passing year gets easier. Buy yourself some flowers. Be kind to yourself. It’s so painful, but it will ease, and soon enough hr will be home.

My son joined the RAF and never came home x Now married and lives 5 hours away. We see him twice a year.
I used to stand in His bedroom and be filled with tears. I am still sad now and again. It is an end of an era situation. Chin up xx

It’s common to be sad at the end of an era but I think op that you’re the extreme end of a scale. Most of us just wave them off, shed a little tear and then accept it’s the normal progression. Anything more profound than that is a bit unhinged tbh. And I say that as someone whose DH is a bit that end of the scale too. I want to tell him to get a grip and get a life.

What’s the other option? Depressed young adult who wants to live at home with you forever? No thanks.

Not one single person has called OP useless.

Finding it an odd mix of melancholic and exciting for her and us. There’s so much I want to do. Feel I’ve come full circle and have more in common with my pre kids 25 year old self than my 34-45 year old years deep in mummy mode. It’s liberating.

Appreciate it must be harder for single parents.

It hard, but its now time to build your own life again. Try a new job, a new hobby, go on term time solo holidays, find out who you are now.

It probably isn't commonly discussed as it isn't a common feeling.

It is commonly discussed usually refered to as empty nest.

It's common but it does pass and it's not as straight forward as wanting to hang to to them - it's complex mix of missing kids you love being round being pleased they are moving on with their lives.

It really hit my IL when DH finished education - PhD and first proper job and properly moved out they'd always worked full time and had really active social lives rarely being in most of his teen years - I think everyone was taken back how badly it hit them.

When my eldest went I rather embarrassingly cried at work about it & felt quietly sad for the first couple of weeks.
My youngest left for University with her dad this morning and I hugged her, said I loved her etc and didn't shed a tear. I feel a poignancy about her going but feel nowhere near as sad as I did when my eldest went.

I know this time round that I will get used to it & she will have a great time (I hope) & she will soon be home for the holidays.

You get used to it even if it feels so strange at first. Hearing they are happy & thriving makes it easier too.
Hugs to you OP because I know how it feels but, trust me, you will be fine soon xx

Give yourself some time. I was very sad and tearful for the first few days (never in front of DD, or telling her, I want her to go and do what she wants!) but three weeks later and I'm learning a new language, spending more time on my hobbies, the house is tidy, and I'm welcoming this next phase for both of us. The cat, however, is finding it much more difficult and keeps looking for DD and sleeping on her bed.

I agree, people get a kicking for most things these days. 'I feel sad and miss my son' is met with 'yes because you're a useless fucking article'.

It's hard. Yes, it really is. And the grief and loss you're feeling now will make it impossible for you to see how good its going to be. So.....you'll just have to trust me. It'll be bloody marvellous. 🥰❤️