Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

As a no kids by choice person, I won't pretend to know how you're feeling completely, but I do feel for you. The empty nest syndrome is real and it must be incredibly painful. I know my mother had it big-time as she really did live for us and through us (no job outside the home either).

I often think about this scenario when people with children don't understand how I fill my life - don't they realise they'll be having to do the same sooner or later? It's actually less painful for me, I'm sure, since I didn't have the children in the first place only to have them leave me and move on.

I suppose the main thing now is to keep those lines of communication open and maintain positive relationships with your children, as that is what will determine how enjoyable this next phase of life will be.

I hope the acute pain softens for you soon, OP.

I feel for you OP.
I am also a single parent with just one dd.
I had a slightly different experience.. dd decided to do a gap year, so trotted off ( at 18, as a solo traveller) to Asia for a year,
I was incredibly sad for at least the first 6 weeks, and would randomly cry, especially walking past her bedroom!
So then when she started university, I’d already been through the pain, so it wasn’t as bad.
She is now in her second year and doing so well, but I have had to make a life more for myself now she has gone.
The holidays are long though, and I do go and visit her every so often.
But I completely get how you are feeling, be kind to yourself x
(and drink wine!)

OP I really feel your pain, however much anyone may say it is silly. In the same boat myself and no idea now what my life is apart from work really.
I can get very tearful thinking about how quickly the last two decades have gone- easily the best decades I’ve had, full of love and laughter with the dc.
Now I guess we have as much of a challenge to face as our dc! They build their new lives and we build ours.

My daughter is only 3 but the sentence “their childhood has been the best years of my life” just brought me to tears. I know I’m living through moments now that one day I will long to be back in. Sending you a big hug!

Don’t know if it helps but I am a single parent experiencing much the same. I have embarked on a weight loss journey, started taking vitamins and supplements suitable for menopausal women, as well as ashwagandha for anxiety. New haircut and colour. Got my ears pierced and have my eye on a tattoo. I have overhauled my wardrobe with the help of Vinted, local car boots and eBay. Joined a book club at my local library, started a monthly meal out with some close friends, and have booked various holidays and other activities with friends. And I feel fantastic.

I knew it was coming and the stress and anxiety was enormous on the run up to it. A few months ago I was tearful, not sleeping and just beside myself emotionally. I decided I needed to be pro active and meet it head on. It has worked. Really well. It’s an opportunity for my own personal growth and I intend to take the opportunity with both hands and run. Work on your mindset. Be positive. Make it all about you.

I feel you, and yes it is a pain- it’s grief for what’s been and the change.

I dropped my son off at Uni at the beginning of September (up in Scotland, a 7 hour drive away!) and the lead up and first two weeks were awful (that I did my best to hide).
it’s not just missing their physical presence, it’s that you know that when they come home they won’t be the same young person that left ‘your’ version of who the were. And that’s how it should be, and we know that, but it still hurts. Letting go is the hardest part of parenting.

I think you also grieve who you were, and it’s scary to wonder who you will be without them. It’s time to find out!

It does get easier, especially when they call you and tell you about how it’s going and you can hear in their voice how much fun they are having.

i really hope he doesn’t love it so much that he wants to stay up there, but that’s out of my hands now. I’m also told that letting him go after the Xmas break will feel like this all over again, but at least I’m prepared!

On the flip side, for the first time in his life, my youngest has me all to himself and is throughly relishing the attention! I’m making the most of him. He’s missing his brother too, so we are getting used to this new normal together.

I hope you start to feel better about it soon. X

I will never guilt trip mine for moving away. My parents did it to me and my brother and still do over 30 years later. But they live in a rural area with no opportunities so we had no choice but to leave!

Children are supposed to grow up and move on and if they do it well and with confidence then you have succeeded at parenting!

Very well said.

Apart from anything else, housing costs are so high now that if you live in London or somewhere else that's expensive your kids will probably be back after they graduate.

I dropped mine off recently but there has been a bit of build up (SEN etc) and she is 20, so my overriding feeling is relief. And a few tears. And lots of worry! She is only 1hr away, though.

I have multiple friends whose experience is identical to yours. Dropped off, came home, lay on DC’s bed and sobbed. Some for days. I think it is normal. You’re grieving for the child who is now an adult and needs you a little less. But only a little less. They are still your child, your home is still their home, you are still their mum and they will always be need to know you are there and that you love them. You’ve done a great job because they’ve arrived. They’ve done a great job with the love and support you’ve given them.

Hang in there. They’ll be back before you know it. Probably with a suitcase full of washing.

This.

"Your children are not your children" is a bit of wisdom you need to reflect upon. Your DS has the right to his own independent life, free of guilt about his mother's distress.

You need to get a hobby or maybe seek therapy to work out why you are over-reacting to something that is absolutely normal.

My son calls about once a month. My daughter moved to Australia and never calls or texts. Not sure what to make of it. No fallings out. It's hard to realise that you give your best years to raising children, and if you are successful at it, they fly the nest and don't need you at all. It's like being a victim of your own success.

I feel the same and I definitely haven’t put everything into my kids. I have a career, a great marriage, hobbies, holidays etc… doesn’t help. I miss them so much. I think it’s biological somehow!

You have to focus on the positives of the situation. Not just the lack of being deafened by their music, but the new experiences and relationship you are going to have with your adult child - which I am finding even more wonderful than the relationships I had with them when they were children.

@MrsMcGarry Completely agree, the relationship with an adult child is so different.
DD decided to work in her uni town over the summer instead of coming home so I visited her for a few days -she came up with a great sight-seeing itinerary for us and it was more like visiting a friend then my child!

Although I still paid for everything, of course! 😂

I cried every night for a year when my son moved out just me and him since he was 3,he didnt move out to he was 25 but coming home from work every night to a cold empty dark house was awful but I now love it,it does get easier. Sending hugs

Reminds me of my mum sending me a letter when I first went to uni. 1st lines of "I really missed you last night.." to which I melted a little as my mum was never mushy, only to read ".... had 7 spiders under glasses and I needed you to remove them like you always do".

HA!

Get yourself out there, get new hobbies, go see friends, spa pamper day, join a gym, do all the things you put on the back burner while being a mum so long. Go on a cruise if can afford it! Yes, it may be the end of a chapter but it is also the beginning of a new one and that one is up to you. Have a cry, be sad but don't do it for long. Take comfort that a, you've done a smashing job as a mum to see your kids off to uni and b, you have the kind of relationship with your children that you do miss them. Just don't let it be everything.

Look, you were a whole person before you had kids, and you will find that person again, now that they are flying the nest. You won't feel like this for long - trust me! Mine left 10 & 9 years ago. Honestly, you get over it, move on, enjoy that there's less chores, less washing, find stuff you love doing. Book a trip? You can visit them in their Uni town - book a nice hotel, take them to dinner.

It’s hard. My eldest DS met a girl at uni and never moved back home. At least he’s only 45 minutes away. My youngest DS is at a uni 3 hours away and has met a girl who lives 3 hours away; I don’t expect he’ll be back either. I used to get a weekly call term time but I don’t even get that from eldest DS now. Him and his gf have bought a project house and DH is a builder so that’s given us an excuse to see him regularly and I text him every few days but he’s living his best 20s life with his work and his friends and his girlfriend’s family who live 5 minutes from them. I was talking to a friend and she says generally girls are better at keeping in touch than boys which makes me sad because I thought we were close. I’m really conscious of not making him feel guilty or a chore/duty to contact me but it is so hard. My youngest DS is a bit better at messaging regularly so hopefully your DS will be the same. I do lots of hobbies now to keep me busy and distracted so at least I have something to say. But I miss them so much and I do miss the family unit we were. We recently booked a week away with both DS and their girlfriends which we’re going to do every year if we can do that we have an uninterrupted week with them. Hugs xx

You have to focus on the positives of the situation. Not just the lack of being deafened by their music, but the new experiences and relationship you are going to have with your adult child - which I am finding even more wonderful than the relationships I had with them when they were children.

This is when you discover you raised great people. When you get sent photos of favourite family dishes they have cooked for the first time and share their pride and nostalgia. When you know they are choosing to call you, not doing it just because they have to. When they buy you a drink, when they have opinions honed by conversations you weren't part of that make you question yourself in a good way.

It's the end of an era - but it's also the start of a new one that you can enjoy more

The first week was the worst when my DD (20) left for uni, a black cloud seemed to sit over me. It gradually improved as I heard that she was settling in and starting to make friends, Now I’m so happy every time I hear that she’s done something fun, passed an exam, etc., because seeing them blossom into adults is what we want for them.

Hang in there, @lurchersforever, it’ll get better. 💐

The thing is, they really do come a lot still.

My 2 just went back (2nd and 4th years) and I have loved getting my house in order this weekend after a lovely summer.

It is hard and sad when they grow up, but it’s also the best possible outcome.

Yes same here and my other child is on a placement year for uni in Europe. Military was very hard as I knew he would never come back to live at home. With my other son at uni I know he will be back in the holidays. I try to be proud of them rather than feel the sadness. I also worry terribly about my son in the RAF. Nothing can prepare you for the risks they take or will take to protect this country.

I will have very mixed feelings when my sons go.

I’ll miss them a bit, but I will also be very happy that they are on the way (hopefully) to a happy and successful life.

As parents, it is important to try to get the balance right between being supportive and over invested.

One of my sons was on his gold DofE practice this weekend (as quite a few across the country are). The last thing I wanted to do was to be in contact with him. No news is good news! But some parents were virtually in tears on the WhatsApp group about their children walking in the wind and rain, and there being no phone signal.

That just isn’t healthy.

My friend took up jewellery making and joined a choir about two years before her only daughter set off to uni. She said she'd seen too many people at a complete loss when the children leave, so she needed to ne prepared.

But it is talked about, usually as empty nest.

You've put a lot of your emotional eggs into your son's basket and he's left the nest. Sure, you're upset, but he has to fledge or else he turns into one of those failure to launches and that's far, far worse.

Life moves on. If you're having a hard time dealing, seek therapy. You said your kids know you're upset and you're crying all over the place, get help if it's that overwhelming.

My FIL went off to have a cry ffs.

Just because you haven' t exerience empty nest as intensively as OP doens't mean it's not it.

Some parents actually enjopy spending time with their offspring so not seeing them every day has an impact - affects everyday life and some people are more emotional about that.

It's perfectly normal reaction many parents have - I never get why so many of MN try and make out it's not but then so many posters seem anti kids or seem to dislike ones they have - so maybe that explains it.