Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

I think it's very unfair on the children to put so much expectation and devote your entire life to them - it's so much healthier to show them the example of a busy and independent life. It doesn't really matter if you are single or in a couple, not when they are older and don't need you to babysit them at all time. Teenagers don't require a full time SAHM with no life and no hobby.

It's natural to be sad and shocked at the end of an era. It's "rarely mentioned" about not coping because.. it's rare that parents don't cope!

We hear and laugh about MIL from hell who can't let their precious child go, but that's the first step. Better be honest about how unreasonable and excessive it is, and improve.

Not long from now, you will be desperate for your peace and quiet if your kids come with their partners and family to stay on holiday for a month 😂

I never thought about this as being a thing, but I have a friend who has had the same as you this month, very upset and emotional, so you're not alone feeling this way.

I also felt desperately sad when my DD left home for uni. I had a busy career and DH and I did lots of things together but when she left home there was definitely a feeling of being bereft. I kept thinking that I'd never be saying goodnight to her as I always did. Those cosy chats at her bedroom door before she went to bed or making pancakes in the morning. It sounds a bit ridiculous when you write it down but these were big feelings and are quite hard to articulate to be honest. Like the OP I loved being a Mum and my favourite years of my life were when I had both my DCs at home, just doing regular things, weekends bike riding and summer holidays - just having them close I think?
It took some adjusting but the dark feelings didn't last especially when we saw her loving her new life.

I must be an unemotional being I suspect as I have had two off to uni and although I shed a tear the day I left them hundreds of miles away, I was fine the day after though very much looked forward to them returning for Christmas and Easter.

I was a single parent. I was worried about my children settling in, coping with their course and making friends, but once I knew they were OK, I quite enjoyed having the house to myself.

University terms are pretty short so they are only away for 30 weeks in total. They have a month off for Christmas and Easter and about three months off during the summer. The autumn term will fly by and he will soon be back for Christmas.

Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

It's mentioned all the time. Threads on MN, posts in the WIWIKAU Facebook group, on Jeremy Vine, on Firefox Pocket, in other forms of media.

I want to add another perspective. As older parents with no family nearby we were desperate for DD to become independent and as self sufficient as possible as we won't be around for ever.

I admit to feeling a little flat after DD went away, but she had already had a gap year and spent some of it visiting friends and her BF at university and Interrailing with her BF, and we were getting used to her not being at home as much, and our lives weren't as enmeshed as other posters seem to be.

By the time she went she was more than ready to go and was quite capable of looking after herself. She had a few wobbles, especially after the BF had dumped her. I used to dread the late night messages asking if she could ring me, and hearing her crying on the phone was heart wrenching, but when I knew she had settled, made friends and was doing well then everything was OK again.

So, what I am trying to say is when your child is happy you will be happy, and please be happy for them. Don't guilt trip them into making contact all the time, but if you haven't heard from them in a while just send a photo of your pet or something similar (I used to send a picture of next door's cat as we don't have any pets)

I am so so sad too. Feel free to message for moral support. I have been poorly too so not been able to go and carve out time for me either. I’m so so proud but cried earlier at a photo of him having fun.

What a beautiful way to put things 🥹 thank yoi

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. My mum was the same and I’ve been dreading the day DD leaves since she was born.

It’s not the point at all but he may come back after uni. Cost of living as it is, he may come back and live with you forever. 🤣

it’s important to handle this well. My mum was always trying to steal time with me (once damaging her car so I had to wait with her for the recovery) and if I went up to see her she’d almost keep me there as long as possible and some of the things she said were incredibly off putting. Our relationship has never recovered and although I talk on the phone pretty much every day, I can’t be around her that much because it’s never enough and I live quite far. I’m not saying you wouldn’t but I’d hate for there to be a risk if I didn’t.

additionally, a lot of her friends with similar age kids are still living with them or they have to babysit the grandkids all the time because they still go out all the time, can’t afford childcare or mostly just can’t be arsed etc and I know my mum wishes we were like that but I have to tell her that’s not a good thing for the little ones so shows she did a good job with me and I don’t see her as free childcare. But hopefully you have a good few years for that one.

it will get easier and become the new norm but that doesn’t help you now. I’m sorry for the pain.

YANBU. It hurts! My ds dropped out of uni in the first week and that hurt more. I had a mini mh crisis then.

He started again this year and I didn't drop him off. In fact I wasn't even home I was on holiday with his brother. I didn't cry this time and I hate to say it but it gets easier. It honestly will.

This is success. The alternative isn't nice either ( dropping out).he might move back after uni and wind you up then. Be kind to yourself. You did an amazing job. Blink and their childhood just goez

This - DD2 come on hoilday with us this last summer and she's been back - it's not the same it's evolved and is better in many ways.

I realised was feeling sad so got busy - decorating house and starting a new course and hobby and making sure we did more at weekends with siblings left here and trie t o be better prepared for next one not that long after.

Yup. Some people are just vile and get off on kicking others when they're down.

It's a big transition, and an enforced change and that's tough. I don't want to compare it to grief but it's something is happening to you that you haven't chosen - and the process you go through to accept it. Your life as you knew it is changing and even though it's the right thing to do and you're happy for you child you have your own reactions to it. I can say that it does get easier, but I found it really hard as it's saying goodbye to being younger, you're turning into your parents and starting a new life without your children in it - and around, and it's not that I don't have a life but I really miss their company, their hugs and hearing their news - for me it's the start of the next phase of my life and I wasn't ready for it - but you never are ready for big changes they happen to you. If you follow postcards from midlife on Facebook/ instagram there is a lot of information about the transition - and it is a huge adjustment be kind to you as you do adjust to your new life, take the time you need and believe it does get easier and there are some good things that come as a surprise - eventually xx

I hear you and I'm sorry you're hurting. It'll get better, I promise. I'm a single mother too, so I understand. Your eyes will be opened to loads of good things though once you've dried your eyes and got on with your life. I have so much time for my friends and to do things I enjoy or go away at the drop of a hat. My house is so clean! I can organise my days better too, since I don't have to work around the demands of family life.

He'll be back in the holidays and you can do lots with him then.

Absolutely. My son just came back from a deployment and was so glad he is home! X

I felt the same OP, my DS went to uni 2 weeks ago, but it is starting to wear off because I know it is the right thing. I think it foreshadows a time when we will no longer be around and our kids will have to manage without us. I'm grateful he is ok really. It isn't as sad as some things no, but nor is it unhinged to feel some grief. As a single parent you're bound to feel a bit untethered and lost, even with the fullest life it is still a huge change.

I don't think being so emotionally dependent on your DC is at all healthy. You are talking as though your life is over and it is a 'steady decline' to what I am unsure. Of course it is a big life event when they leave home but this seems very extreme.

It's a kind of grief and it will get easier with time.

@RaininSummer I agree that it’s not logical to be upset as it’s a natural and positive transition. But all of my friends, myself included, felt v. emotional when our children went to uni. It’s not a rational response, but that’s how we feel. I suppose it’s because they’ve lived with you from the moment they were born and now they’re leaving for the first time. 🤷

We get over it though. I’m expecting to feel miserable again when DS leaves and cheer up again in a few days!

I don't think it is "rarely mentioned" at all, there are frequent MN posts about it and in my experience people also talk about it in RL.

It wasn't my experience at all, I took Ds to his uni accommodation, came back the next day and had a sad 10 mins sitting on his bed, then didn't really think about it after that.

Also a single parent, also have a younger ds2 (3 years).

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/chat/5413755-my-boy-is-off-to-university-and-its-breaking-my-heart?page=1

There are always threads like this. Always mean responses from people who cannot empathise or judge you.

I've been there.
This is not a thread for those who feel differently. It's ok to feel relieved or indifferent to your firstborn leaving but it's also ok to be sad.

I don't think it is natural for offspring to be fully dependent one minute and fledged the next. In years gone by before university became the born, youngsters would start work and remain at home for a few years.

I was sad. I kept up the jolly excited organising face until we drove away and cried all the way home. It was hard. I was lucky to have DS2 at home for two more years and that really helped.
DS1 bounced back a couple of times then came home for Christmas and it was lovely. I was sad again when he left for the new term. And so on.
When DS2 went two years later it was actually harder.

They both popped back home a lot and they each lived at home again for a year or more after uni.
You get used to it but there's no doubt it's the end of an era of raising children who need you.
The best era tbh.

I mean this with kindness but you need to get some perspective here. I have two DC one who has just graduated and one at Uni, also single Mum so alone now. DD best friend was killed a few weeks ago, her funeral was this week. Your child is alive and doing all of the things they should be at their age, yes it is hard not having them around but it is what it is. Pull yourself together and be grateful for what you have.

I don't get why people feel so bad about this stage. You expect to miss them but feeling numb seems a very strong and odd reaction.

Are you particularly well known for your emphatic nature?
What a truly horrible response.

I think its a mistake to allow too much sentiment. All this 'end of an era', 'flown the nest', 'its over!!!' doesn't help imo. Especially as for loads of DC, it's not even true. A lot of them end up back home after uni. And even if they don't, they're to and fro so much, it's still their home, they're just not there for a few weeks at a time. My advice is to stop thinking in terms of ends and new phases. It hurts and it's not really necessary given they'll be back in a few weeks. It's not a cliff edge end of childhood, it's a very gradual process where you'll get time to adjust to each new circumstance. Keep busy, keep in touch, and he'll soon be home (and it is home!) for the holidays.