Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

Dd has already declared she doubts she will be home in the summer. Apparently home town is a dump (she may have a point). I certainly don’t think it competes with a big, exciting city. I’ve told her she can do what she wants if she has a job and can support herself over the summer.

she has an overseas boyfriend so is likely to spend Xmas the other side of the world.

i seriously doubt she’ll be back here. But the world is an exciting place and it’s right that a young intelligent person wants to go out and explore. I can see her moving to her boyfriend’s country which is a 7 hr flight away. Obviously I’d prefer she didn’t but I’d never say.

My third year uni child comes home a fair bit and climbs into bed between me and her father and asks us how long she is allowed to do that for and we say forever. You can still be very close even in this new chapter.

I just think be grateful that you have a child that is happy, moving on with their life and doing all the things you hoped for them when they were a little baby. My daughter got 8 9’s in gcse and then something utterly awful happened to her and her life spiralled out of her control and ours. I would be so so happy for her and for us if things were normal and I was saying have a great time in uni and see you in the half term holidays
Be happy for them and their progression in life .

I don't like the thought that some ones pain invalidates others pain. My son had a blue badge by 5. Most people gets that pain. But I can still sympathy for op.

My son would have any child taken away by socail care at birth. He will never be a dad. That doesn't invalidate a infertile couple or any miscarriage.

People was lined up and shot in wars. That doesn't invalidate the pain of a broken arm. It's not a race to the bottom. Someone is always worse off. Always. Always. Someone has more pain than someone teen who was stabbed. Someone feels more pain than someone has a terminal diagnosis.

So really by that bar any suffering is bullshit. I don't buy that. As a part of a disabled child I can still feel and I still have empathy and I can still imagine. My soul didn't die when my dreams died

It isn't spoken of enough. When DD1 left for university it absolutely floored me. She had no idea. I had been nothing but smiles and excitement, right up until DH and I drove away from her student flat. I didn't cry, as I'm not a crier, but I was desolate and DH held my hand all the way home.

That night I slept in DD's bed, just to still feel somehow close to her. Next morning I closed her bedroom door and didn't go in there again for weeks. I couldn't. It nearly broke me.

And, I had done everything 'right'. DH and I had always made time for each other, with date nights and romantic weekends away. I had a good social life with my girlfriends. I kept working and enjoyed my job and socialised with colleagues. I did Pilates and played on a pub quiz team.

But none of that made the sense of loss any less profound. It felt almost primeval in its intensity.

The only thing that worked was granting myself the option of dropping everything and just going to her, if I genuinely couldn't bear it another day. And as soon as I allowed myself that grace I felt much better. I didn't go and see her, obviously, but just knowing that it was an option took away the weight of the sadness.

DH helped me reframe my grief into something positive, because he reassured me that grief is the price we pay for love. And that we were incredibly lucky to have a daughter that it was so difficult to say goodbye to. It helped. A bit.

Just be gentle with yourself and try and only grieve privately. Don't put any of it on your DD's shoulders please. I promise you it does get better. Start small and just focus on little things that might distract you, a new book, a new film? Maybe a new exercise class? Write down your feelings in a private journal if that helps? Come over to the many reading/book threads on here and chat with all of us about what you're reading. Take care.

I don't know, I seem to see countless threads about the "pain" of children going to University on Mumsnet and everywhere else. I'm quite tired of seeing them all over the place tbh.

I always think it's good to spare a thought for people who have lost dc before University Age, or whose children will never be able to go to University because they are disabled or have a life limiting illness, or are too mentally unwell to even attempt it, or the people who never could have the children they wanted so much.

Feeling sick and sobbing - it's over the top and not a sign that you love your children any more than those of us who are quite happy to wave them off and feel happy that they're moving towards independence.

Until they get their year 2 and 3 house rental, then they prefer to stay in their university city with their friends (in my experience).

They are at home as many weeks they are away at university. It gets much easier very very quickly and when he comes home you will have a lovely lovely time.

Yes. I dropped my girl last weekend. No one said how it would feel to drop your child & their belongings 3 hrs away where they know no one! It feels all kinds of wrong I can tell you. However excited & proud I feel. I’m not devastated and not even crying. But it just feels weird round here. I don’t seem to have anything to do. No cups to pick up 🤣 I’ve cleaned her bedroom this weekend, watched a lot of tv and read. Couldn’t go out as have a cold so plans got cancelled. Definitely the end of an era, and the start of a new one!
Good luck to us all!

I joined a book group and a fund raising charity after DD went to university, and have made new friends this way as well.

I feel for you, my only DD has been at uni for four weeks now. It's been just the two of us since she was 18 months old.

I miss her so much, but she's doing what she loves. I can't pop to see her either as she's 4 hours away.

I'm so bored though, I just watch TV and eat at the moment, so need to get a hobby or do something!

We also dropped off yesterday. We stayed overnight at a hotel and said goodbye to my dd this morning. I went through the same thing with my other kid 3 years ago and he's now back at home doing a post grad. So many of them come back home for a while :-).

It's hard but I think you'll feel a lot better by the end of the third week if not sooner. Almost everyone I know who's been through this experience has said the same. I think it's something to do with the fact they've settle in and have hopefully made some friends.

I was inconsolable when I got home today. Just being in the house without her made me feel ill. Then she phoned to say she'd met a few people from where we live which is a big thing as we're on opposite sides of the country. I don't know why but it's cheered me up knowing she's made friends with people who have some commin ground with her.

I know you'll feel better over the next couple of weeks OP. Sending you a big hug!

I can’t imagine being “utterly confident” about how I’ll feel in much more than a decade’s time about anything!

I'm not denying I'll be sad and it will be a big change, but yes, I'm utterly confident I won't be devastated. I know myself.

Not at all intending to judge op on her feeling differently, just trying to show another perspective. Our lives shouldn't be all about our kids and it isn't fair on them to make it that way. Even though as mums it feels all-consuming, we have to try and keep a grip on our own sense of self.

It's scary and sad cause its a new chapter of parenthood you're entering. Similar to when your baby starts preschool, your 11 year old goes to secondary or your child enters their teens. It's all a little bit wobbly for us inside as parents but you'll be okay OP. You'll find new things to do with your time and you may find that in a few months you'll have adjusted and maybe even be enjoying it!
Try some new hobbies, spend more time with your friends, maybe even treat yourself to a trip or something you've been wanting to celebrate a new chapter for both of you.
You're still his mum and you've done so well he's able to be independent and off at university, that's great!

I can see why it would be very upsetting but there is much more to come. They’ll be distant for a few years and then they’ll loop back again - and then there’s graduations and first homes and weddings and grandkids (usually) to come.

Sorry, but I agree with @LittleMyLabyrinth
DD went to university as an undergraduate in 2019, then stayed in her university city to work after graduating. She is now at another university for post grad, and I am so happy for her that she is following her dream.

I do agree with this. Dd is my only one and went to uni 2 weeks ago, though she’d been abroad for three months before (apart from one week in Sept) so I do feel I’m three months in. Yes the house feels empty but keeping busy helps.

you still have one Dd at home so obviously you don’t want to be out all the time but I think you need to start exploring hobbies, clubs, and making friends, etc so if she goes to uni in two years that a properly empty house won’t hit you like a truck.

DD1 has gone into the second year of her degree.

Last year I was very overdramatic dropping her off. A few days before I had burst into tears in M&S looking at jumpers because it hit me we wouldn't have many impromptu shopping trips together. I cried the whole drive back from Cornwall to London, sobbing hysterically as I passed the Devon county sign leaving Cornwall.
I also cried as I moved her houseplants she left out of her room round the house so they wouldn't die without her there to water them, and as I relocated her fishtank to the kitchen. I even found myself smelling her dressing gown that she left in the bathroom.

It gets easier. It's a new adventure. We're still really close and speak daily, even if it's just sending a stupid photo on Whatsapp. This year on move in day as I passed the Devon sign I was silently swearing at her as she was already texting me a list of forgotten items to post up.

You can't imagine it because it hasn't happened to you yet so perhaps better not to make declarations about how you THINK you'll feel when you really have no idea.

I've got a way to go on this (kids are little), but I can't imagine I'll feel the same. I'm an introvert who loves her own company and I can think of nothing better than puttering about all on my own with nobody to pester me! However, my mother is one of those people who's children are their whole world, and trust me, the children know. It makes me feel guilty for wanting to live my own life and not being there to keep her happy all the time, and it definitely creates a wedge. So please start right now and find your own joy in your own life.

I’m having drinks this week with a few mums (maybe the odd dad too) whose kids have gone to uni. We met when they were at primary school and it’s so lovely to see them all grown up and hear how they are getting on.

For what it’s worth op, my mother didn’t even turn up when I left for university. And I never went home again. We don’t have much of a relationship now.
The fact that you are bothered speaks volumes. He is young, he doesn’t really know much yet. In time, he will get it. I’m old now, but I still wish I’d had a mother who actually cared. He will appreciate you, in time x

Bless you. Give yourself grace. This is a huge adjustment and you’re not going to just be fine overnight. It will take time. I’m a firm believer that we reap what we sow, and it seems like you’ve been a wonderful mum, that will pay off and he will come back to you - not in the same way as before, but there’s a new season ahead and he can still be very much in it ❤️

Nobody stays young forever not even us.
At least the children are still there, still alive what about those poor parents who have lost their children.
Gone forever, cant pick up the phone and speak to them.
They are the ones to feel sorry for.