Not coping with ds going to university - why is this pain so rarely mentioned?

If he moves back in with you after university (quite common and likely given the current economic situation), how will you feel?

@lurchersforeverhow are you doing? We've got a bit more used to this now

How are you doing today OP?
I hope all is going well and you’ve heard from your son :)
there has been some unexpected twists in this thread that feel a little off topic.
my DD is in week three of uni and things are starting to settle. Please message if you need someone to talk to :)

I don’t think OP is being ridiculous about a “non event” . Hopefully she will settle in a couple of weeks. She has a career and is genuinely thrilled for her son. She is allowed to feel some emotion after all.

It doesn't hurt to tell people to get a grip though, I don't think it's healthy to encourage people to over-react and become ridiculous about non-events.

It's even worst when it's unfair on their kids and affect them.

Either the kids will feel guilty, or they'll decide they have enough of the drama and they will avoid their parents as much as they can as soon as they can.
See how many threads on here where the poster is distraught that the kids have put their foot down and only have minimum contact

Don’t invalidate the emotions of others. Everyone is permitted to feel what they feel.

I have two incurable cancers, unlikely to see my DC ( 17.5 and nearly 21) into full
adulthood. There are people in worse situations than me, immobile and terminal.

I think as a single parent it is harder.
If the other parent was pretty well absent - then your life has revolved around work and DCS for over a decade.
i still went to the gym and met friends etc but it was all dictated around sports matches, taxi service etc.

The first weekend, I got up ungodly early forgetting that the 0700 departure time was no longer needed to get to the warm up and match on time. I sat on the sofa slightly non plussed as to what I was going to do with my regained hours.

It is not that I dedicated my life to my DCS but when you are on your own doing all the hard yards - you do not realise how much of your life has been taken over by them until they are no longer there.

I have signed up to a Saturday morning yoga class -something I have wanted to do for ages - it will evolve.

This has so made me tear up. Your darling boy is lucky to have you as his mum

Yes, there are comments upthread about days of sobbing and going to sleep in DC's bed. Of course it's entirely possible this post will come back to bite me on the arse in a few years if my DC go to university and I end up behaving in exactly the same way😆

I joined MN when my oldest was a newborn. I remember reading threads about rude teenagers when she was tiny and thinking "oh I'll never have a child like that.." DD is now almost 13 now and I realize how naive I was😬

Of course we miss our kids when they go to university especially if it's miles away. Of course we are also proud of them and maybe even a little jealous of their exciting lives.

I have a busy demanding job, a wide range of friends and a fairly active social life but I still miss my DD. It's usually at quiet times when the house is quiet that I feel it more strongly.

I agree there isn't much talk about it. But when you are open about it people will share their thoughts.

I agree, my son has just started his 2nd year of uni and it feels worse than the first for me! I've tried very hard not to be too needy and text only when I need to as it's important for him to be independent and for him to know that I trust him. I'm now trying to focus on the positives of our changing relationship and how him being independent is a reflection of good parenting.

Yes, I openly admit I slept in DD's bed the first night she left for university. It's what I needed to do.

But prior to that I had never once cried if she went away with friends/school. I virtually skipped down the street the first day after I dropped her off at school. I was the parent who never took our DDs to weddings, even if invited, because I wanted the chance to drink and dance with abandon. When they were young our DDs had a strict 7pm bedtime because I wanted the evening to myself. I am so not the Earth Mother type, I can assure you.

But DD going to university was an irrevocable change and it truly shook me. It's ironic because I had severe PND after DD was born and couldn't imagine ever truly feeling happy again. Eighteen years later she left for university and, for a while, I couldn't ever imagine truly feeling happy again.

Full on sobbing for days on end, thoughts of utter devastation, sleeping in the child’s bed and wearing their clothes sounds like the actions of a parent going through grief which seems extreme when your child has moved a few hours away.

@Eastie77Returns i haven’t read the full thread. Are some saying they do / have done this??

Mine are still at school (primary and secondary) and so I can’t predict how I’ll react if and when they leave home but some of the reactions on here do seem very dramatic.

Shedding tears and feeling emotional is very normal. Full on sobbing for days on end, thoughts of utter devastation, sleeping in the child’s bed and wearing their clothes sounds like the actions of a parent going through grief which seems extreme when your child has moved a few hours away. I’m afraid I agree this shows there are parents whose lives are far too enmeshed in those of their children’s and it seems to start and continue from early childhood. DS (Y5) went on a 3 day school residential trip recently. I happily waved him off but on the class chat there were parents writing that they were in tears as the children left and it is all so “nerve wracking and unsettling” that they don’t know what their DC are doing. One parent was awake all night wondering if her DC was getting enough sleep and if they were warm enough. Cue lots of “awww hun, it’s so hard isn’t it” These children are 10-11 years old?! I missed DS but didn’t feel tearful once!

That wasn’t the PPs reply was it? It was ‘spare a thought for all the families whose children have died’… that was a very unreasonable answer.

oh please, it's a public forum, and the question was " am I unreasonable" to be in such a state.

The answer is yes, yes you are completely unreasonable.

FFS move along. Any parent who has had multiple miscarriages could also write a sanctimonious post about ‘oh be grateful your child survived pregnancy’ or one’s who have children with severe learning difficulties could equally comment about their grief that their child will never experience uni. And I say this as a person who lost 5 pregnancies and whose autie child nearly didn’t make it to adulthood due to suicide attempts, but managed to overcome her issues and start uni recently.

This thread is for and about parents coming to terms with their children leaving home - there is no need to come and shit over their emotions here.

I feel for you OP. I'm sure you'll start to get used to it though.

DS1 is at Uni and DS2 started a couple of weeks ago so we have an empty nest. DH and I don't know what to do with ourselves! We had an oddly formal roast lunch earlier and have been reminiscing madly. DH, who is very unsentimental normally, has been sighing at baby pictures all week.

I know they'll be back but it's not the same. It's bitter sweet. I'm happy they're starting their adult life but sad to say goodbye to their childhood.

I hope you feel better soon.

OP it will be fine. They often come back after uni for a while (very often these days, it seems). They still need you as young adults, just in a different way.

Put it into perspective: "I am absolutely devastated and can't cope because my child is gone"

Why? has he/she enrolled and been posted in a war zone for 8 to 12 months?

No.. they're a couple of hours drive away for a month or so, living their best life, while I prepare for them to come back for Christmas - or earlier 😂

Sad, yet. Nostalgic, yet, In pain and not coping? Frankly, no.

LOL I told DS1 off this morning because I'd told him to clean his room about a million times over the weekend and he hadn't put his new sheets on his bed. Just because I'm often annoyed with him about him not doing his chores doesn't mean I wont miss him horribly when hopefully he goes to University next year!

You'll probably feel much better once he has settled and you can see that he's happy there (that's how it was for me anyway!).

Dd left a couple of weeks ago. It's so much easier to keep in touch these days. I think it would be much harder if I were single though. We are trying to develop hobbies and things. That's the next step I guess. They still need support and they need us to be OK.

I totally get it @lurchersforever