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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think im being played

236 replies

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

OP posts:
Exhaustedanxious · 06/10/2025 18:05

I think you need to borrow a car and sit in it outside his house to see what he’s getting up to. It’s what I’d do but some may call it stalker behaviour.

Festivespirit85 · 06/10/2025 17:57

Bag any of his belongs at yours and knock on his mum's door. "Oh I'm sorry to bother you but lying arse isn't in, and he mentioned you lived across the road. I know we haven't met, but lying arse and I, have been in an exclusive relationship for 3 years which has no come to an end. So here is his stuff that he was at mine. Lovely to meet you."
But then I am a cunt 🤣
Sorry that you've wasted 3 years of your life on the tosspot. Get yours left an STI test done.

AC246 · 05/10/2025 18:29

Well done.
Not allowing him to suddenly use you for tea and sympathy.👏👏👏

Bananalanacake · 05/10/2025 18:03

I also had one of these, in a relationship for 4 years and never introduced me to a single member of his family, and 2 of his sisters lived down the road from him. I only went to his place twice, but I did meet his friends. I had no intention of ever living with him , it was the being kept a secret I didn't like and how he fobbed me off saying, Yeah, we'll sort something out, when I asked about meeting his family. I suspect it was to do with the way he was dragging his heels getting his divorce sorted out. In the last year I only wanted to see him once a fortnight for sex, then I'd kick him out the door, didn't like him staying at mine. It came to an end when he came to my place and told me his mum had died, I said,, what are you telling me for? None of my business. Then I told him to fuck off home and not bother me until he'd got over it. Some people might think this is a tad mean but after 4 years of being treated like a dirty secret I felt it wasn't my objective to give a shit about his emotional needs. And you should do the same if one of his family dies.

Heylittlesongbird · 05/10/2025 15:29

On balance it sounds to me like you've been played, yes.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him, it sounds dodgy as. But, the only outside possibility I could think of is if it is an old photo of an ex that used to be his screensaver. On my phone, it keeps all the old screensavers, and I occasionally manage to press something and switch them by mistake. I've no idea how I do it, I then have to get the children to help me switch back.

Maybe it's because I've just finished the latest Strike book, but I think I'd be trying to do a bit of covert surveillance.

illsendansostotheworld · 05/10/2025 15:07

Always a huge red flag when you don't meet friends or family

FuzzyWolf · 05/10/2025 14:54

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white? No

I think you have misinterpreted a committed independent but exclusive relationship as a casual albeit exclusive relationship. It’s fine to have a serious relationship with no intention of marriage or living together but if one side keeps the other person a secret then it’s almost certainly because they don’t want others to know and that’s most likely because they are already in a relationship.

tragichero · 05/10/2025 14:45

I can't afford a private detective was a joke, BTW - I wouldn't set one on my FWB even if I was a billionaire, I am not a crazy stalker woman!

tragichero · 05/10/2025 14:44

OP, I am really sorry this is happening to you.

Your relationship with him sounds very like mine with my FWB to be honest. We message every day and in that sense he feels like a part of my life, but we haven't and won't meet each others' friends and family (mine know about him, but he is more private so it wouldn't surprise me if he hadn't mentioned me - his elderly mom for example perhaps wouldn't understand why we weren't properly "seeing" each other).

The difference is we live quite far apart and can't see each other in person that often. But when we do it tends to be week nights as both our weekends are often busy with our respective kids, and his with his hobby/side hustle.

If I found out at this point that he has been seeing another person behind my back, I would be upset, I admit it. Not so much heartbreak - Hell we have never even said we are exclusive in our case, though in practice we are, as I understand it - but the I would be upset that he has clearly and repeatedly lied, this man i have chosen to respect and admire and spend precious time with.

I have done all I can to check - that is exploring his socials really, I can't afford a private detective - and in the end I have chosen to trust him.

You clearly trusted this guy too, OP. Even in casual relationships, there should still be trust and honesty I think.

I don't know what I would do in your position, as you obviously want proof, but it may be hard to get it. I would NEVER normally suggest this, honestly, but next time he leaves you alone in his house could you peek in a few draws?

(Mind you I feel a bit dirty even suggesting that - it's not behaviour I would normally condone. Maybe you just trust your gut and leave him, as others suggest. But I get that that will be hard).

Bigcat25 · 05/10/2025 14:24

Friendlygingercat · 05/10/2025 01:24

I had this kind of relationship with a man but it was me who wanted to keep the respective "families" out of the picture. I was low contact with my own family and did not want to become involved with his or his children by a failed marriage. When he pressured me it was a deal breaker for me so we split up. But at least he was honest.

Sorry but I agree with the other posters.. He sounds like he is two timing you. Nothing wrong with a casual FWB relationship where you dont live together and see one another regularly. Everything wrong with the fact that he is not honest about having other serious committments. He is treating you like a dirty little secret and you deserve better.

But he's not LC with his family if he's telling the truth about giving them rides. I don't understand the refusal to meet family and keep someone's existence secret if you have a healthy relationship. If you don't see your family much it's different, but it shouldn't be an issue to explain this to a partner?

starfishmummy · 05/10/2025 14:08

Yes he's probably got someone else. However you wanted a casual relationship and thats what you got.

MedievalNun · 05/10/2025 13:54

So sorry you’re in this situation but it does look like you are the OW or at best he really doesn’t think you’re in the exclusive relationship you think you have.

I have an Android phone for work and have had Iphones since they first came out. There has never been a BW photo of a woman as an option for the screensaver - as others have said, they’re either Californian landscapes or weird colours. Everything else has to be physically added to the screensaver library from your own photographs and then chosen. So whoever she is, her photo is in his library and he chose it.

I would bag up any belongings that are at yours, take them over and hand them to whomever answers the door. Then walk away and block him on everything. Unfortunately you will need an STI.

I think the worst thing for me in everything you’ve said though is that he encouraged his mate to ask for your number. That really gave me the ick on your behalf.

So sorry you’ve wasted 3 years on this b***d.

Sending some 🌹 🌹 🌹🌹🌹🌹as I think you need them.

taylorswift1989 · 05/10/2025 13:50

OP, just block him and never speak to him again. He'll know why.

Spend some time on yourself and work out why you stayed with him so long through the red flags and your doubts. Don't get into another relationship until you know that you're willing to walk away from men who lie and cheat.

RosaMundi27 · 05/10/2025 13:40

Three years???? What did you both do for the last three Christmases?

booboohoohoo · 05/10/2025 13:28

Some men are such lying bastards. Sorry OP x

ToldYouTwiceAlready · 05/10/2025 13:07

I don't know how a relationship can be casual yet exclusive. He hasn't met any of your family. His family don't know you exist. What you are to each other is a fuck buddy. You've wasted 3 years of your life to realise that.

CalzoneOnLegs · 05/10/2025 13:03

He must think OP is really stupid to believe that ridiculous screen lock story.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 05/10/2025 12:46

Just ghost him. Leave him wondering. He doesn't deserve any kind of emotion or time from you.

Pancakeflipper · 05/10/2025 12:29

I think whatever is going on, you deserve much better than this.

rwalker · 05/10/2025 12:21

I’m not 100% he’s got someone else

but he clearly doesn’t want a relationship happy with a shag and a bit of company

Flakey99 · 05/10/2025 12:20

I’d go and speak to his mum and ask her if he’s single. Then you’ll know. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Libertylawn · 05/10/2025 12:11

Oh dear.

Really centre yourself, close your eyes and listen to your inner voice. What images appear? Make a note of them and then review them later.

Dippythedino · 05/10/2025 12:11

Swiftie1878 · 05/10/2025 11:49

Trouble is, anyone who is so avidly ‘private’ has to be a really good liar.
Never trust someone who can lie so casually as to tell his friend to get your number. If he lies to them, he lies to you, nailed on.

In your place I’d just send a message saying ‘you’ve been rumbled, I’m afraid. Your loss. Goodbye.’ Then block and move on with your life. Maybe you’ll enjoy being free and single and open to other relationships more worthy of your time and energy.

Do this and then bag up his stuff from yours and knock on his door and hand it to the first person who opens his door which probably won't be him.......

OrangeSunsetSkies · 05/10/2025 12:05

I think To be honest this is the problem with casual relationships.

Either get an assortment of three NSA that you can rotate and use protection, never tell them about each other, then no one ever gets emotionally invested or hurt.

Or just find a committed relationship.

Swiftie1878 · 05/10/2025 11:49

Trouble is, anyone who is so avidly ‘private’ has to be a really good liar.
Never trust someone who can lie so casually as to tell his friend to get your number. If he lies to them, he lies to you, nailed on.

In your place I’d just send a message saying ‘you’ve been rumbled, I’m afraid. Your loss. Goodbye.’ Then block and move on with your life. Maybe you’ll enjoy being free and single and open to other relationships more worthy of your time and energy.