To think im being played

I would absolutely need to know for closure.

I would probably do a bit of covert snooping.
The biggest red flag for me (in a sea of flags) is him hiding you from his mum and sister...

Sorry Op, but it doesn’t look good, run away now and find someone worthy of your time.

@IcySwan "I asked him who it was and he said he'd upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo."
Sorry OP, but this is baloney. ios 26 comes with 16 default wallpapers to choose from for screen savers and none of them are people, as you can see from the following photo.
He has either downloaded a stock photo from the net to use as his screen saver (but why would he choose a photo of some random stranger?) or he has that photo on his phone and he's chosen it as his screen saver from his photo gallery. I have an Android mobile and my DH has an iphone and we both have to choose screen savers from either the available default wallpaper selection or photo's in our phone galleries.
I have no idea if you're being played (for 3 years?!) but he's certainly lying about how that photo ended up as his screen saver.

I would just say, I’m not happy with this relationship and the fact you keep it secret, I’m ending it.

You were a fuck buddy, nothing more- the fact he wouldn't own up to you to his friend gave it to you- before you ever saw his phone.

So sorry this has happened to you. You have spend years acting as a girlfriend while he has lived his life free as a single man, so free it seems this has given him the space to find a girlfriend he does include further into his life.
I don't get why have the exclusive chat with you when he obviously didn't want that. Not having intention to marry or move in, doesn't mean you would exclude someone you wanted to be exclusive with out of your life. I know an older couple who have been together for 10 years who said would never marry or live together, they were still very much a couple and a supported and included part in eachothers lives.

If it was me I would have to find out the whole truth for closure. I'd be saying I know there is someone else, I want to know how long, how serious and why the fuck involve me in this shit when you know it was not my choice. If he tries to bullshit I'd say tell me the truth or I will find out from her.

Or you could just say you've had enough of his bullshit and your done. But either way, there is no way this is a relationship which has a happy ending for you so set yourself free

You missed the bit about them agreeing to be exclusive.

Company and sex she enjoyed, presumably, same as most relationships, regardless of how serious they are.

Sorry to hear this. I think even if you’re not being played you should call ‘game over’ as he’s not giving you the love, respect & attention you deserve. Nearly 40 is young, young, young. You can and should demand more. I’d probably ghost the dick.

I’m not sure played is the right word.

It sounds like you were saying you didn’t want anything serious but you did want it to be serious, but he said he didn’t want it to be serious except he meant it.

If you let someone in, you open yourself up to being hurt. I understand. But, you are going to get hurt anyway, the minute you have sex with someone, there is a bond and you are open to being hurt if you like them after this point.

I would say, the next time just be open to love. All of it.

And definitely forget him anyway, he has another girlfriend (at least one other) and has not been nice to you or proud of you.

I’m sorry he has hurt you x x x

I take it he isn’t on social media? You need to do some digging, ask around, it def sounds like you’re the other woman and the other woman needs to find out about you, how dare he treat you like this. Move on OP you’re worth much more.

It does sound like something strange is going on, trust your gut.

With regards to the phone, iPhone does have a 'Photo Shuffle' option for the background photos; it changes your background based on photos you have from an album. They would be photos you have saved onto your phone though. I guess there is the outside chance it could be a photo of an ex but it feels very, very unlikely.

This man has a girlfriend or wife, without a shadow of a doubt. I normally understand and even endorse the urge to dig and snoop, but in your case I wouldn’t even bother to go searching for more proof for your own mental decision, aside from locating the wife/gf to tell her.

And on that note, personally I think the right thing to do is to tell the wife/girlfriend. She ought to have the information to make an informed decision about her future, and be able to protect herself against STDs.

However if you decide you won’t tell her, I think the least you can do is find a way to break up with him that leaves him with some sort of crippling insecurity rather than just telling him you know about the wife what’s his biggest hang up? I’d be getting creative.

If you'd not been to his house I'd have said he's 100% married.

I know someone that ljved with his girlfriend for 15 years, and then it turned out he had another girlfriend and a son and neither of them knew about each other. So they can do it.. :( sorry OP it seems you have probably been played. Do you want proof? What will you do next?

If it were me I'd go and sit in my car quietly outside his house a few times. I'd be very interested to see if there was another car there, or somebody there while he is at work.

Oh love, why have you been prepared to accept these table scraps for the last 3 years? You're worth more than being a dirty secret, regardless of whether there's someone else or not.

You can be casual with someone without them denying your very existence. Find someone who treats you with respect and bin him before he bins you! (He might be feeling uncomfortable with how close he got to being rumbled and be planning to cut things off to preserve his other relationship).

I’d be doing a touch of surveillance, or next time you are in his home and he does out to take his mum out . Have a snoop for evidence. Or watch and follow him. My mum and me did this when I was a kid and caught my cheating father out!

I think you need to turn up at his house at a time he’s home but you don’t usually see him.

None of his family know of your existence, he calls you during the daytime/late evening, he only visits you during the week, he pretended to his friend you are merely friends and he has a random woman's picture on his iPhone as a screensaver. When you look at all of the above, you see the bigger picture, it's clear he's hiding you, and the only reason would be because he's already in a long-term relationship. The user has to select the picture they wish to use as a screensaver - his explanation is bollocks. I think it's safe to say, the woman in the picture is his long-term partner. You either confront him without any real proof, and prepare yourself for him denying it or you try and find out the truth yourself. I would be cautious of the fact he may have a long-term partner, but he could equally be seeing other women as well as you.

You're friends with benefits, you are not in a relationship with him.

I'm sorry.

It sounds like he's been living a double life for a long time.

If they agreed to be exclusive then no, he had no right to go around pulling these stunts.

However he obviously took advantage of OP’s easygoing approach to cheat on his partner, probably.

OP, you know it’s not a stock photo. And who would have a random woman as a stock photo??

Additionally, are you sure he works nights? Is there any chance he simply has a long term partner?

I agree that no one knowing about you is a massive red flag. I’m very private too, my mother and older brother don’t know I’m in a relationship but that’s only because they’re weird and stalker-ish. All my family on my father’s side knows and I know everyone in my partner’s family too, relatively off the bat. We’re private but not secretive, if that makes sense.

I’m sorry this is happening, OP.

indeed.....how can someone in their right mind would just agree to be someone's casual sexual entertainer but believe is more ....words and choices do have power. You gave your body to a man telling him you want nothing more, this is what he did... I mean what is even your question