To think im being played

What's wrong with that? Not everyone wants to end up married/living together, some people just want to enjoy their partners company and keep it fun. Exclusive means it's safe.

I think using the words ‘casual’ and ‘exclusive’ in the same sentence was one big red flag without saying anymore. It doesn’t sound great. There could be reasons of course but regardless it doesn’t sound like either of you are particularly invested in each other tbh.

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

Hi all

Thank you for all the support and messages. To clarify, I have children and dont want to introduce them to anyone. So when we started dating, and before we got intimate we had a very frank conversation. I cant be intimate without an emotional connection but had some boundaries. We are both divorced, cheated on, so we were honest about what the expectations were. The agreement was we were completely exclusive and if tempted we'd finish it rather than cheat as we had both been through it and it wasn't nice.

We never spent Christmas together as I was with my kids, he with his family but we'd see each other around the holidays, birthdays etc. Id spend the night at his, him at mine. We go out on dates, weekends away when the kids weren't about. My family and friends met him. He just said he was private and I took him at his word.

I went for an sti test today. The most humiliating experience (the staff were lovely but never a situation I thought id be in). I explained and had a full MOT so to speak.

Thank you to the poster who suggested checking social media. I dont use it a lot so I had a look at his. He mentioned going away in August to Spain on a lads holiday with his friend. I checked social media and the friend he told me he was with, was in Bali with his girlfriend the same time he was away. So another lie. No doubt with her.

He phoned me and asked casually what I was up to, and I said I've been for an sti check up. He was all like why, im like because your screensaver isn't a stock image, you were in Spain with another woman and im not stupid. I know your address, your work schedule, your mums address and 10 minutes on social media i could message your whole family.

Well turns out this bastard took in a 'lodger' in June, completely unknown to me, and they started sleeping together and are now in a relationship. She was out with the mum and his sister Saturday, hence why he wanted me out sharpish. I havent been to his overnight in a while so wouldn't have noticed anything. He doesn't want to be with her but she has just had a bereavement so hes waiting. Then had the cheek to ask for things to carry on as normal. He knows hes hurt me and lied and broke trust but it snowballed and he doesn't want to lose me. I told him there's nothing he can do for me a vibrator couldn't do, with greater strength and efficiency. Once you've lied to my face its done.

I also said i have no intention of starting drama so trying to keep me sweet to stop me exposing to his new victim hes a lying piece of shit is pointless. He needs to be honest with her but he won't be. Then blocked him. Dropped his stuff off in a box in his front garden and drove off. I left nothing important at his so just cut him off.

I thought we had a relationship on our terms that suited us both. Hes just a cock goblin that's best left to it. Im hurt and angry at myself for trusting him. Ive done the whole what does she have that I don't, why aren't I good enough. To be honest, id rather be by myself than lied to. Ive found a counsellor and booked an appointment. Try and build some self esteem as hes wrecked mine. I feel stupid and foolish but my sister said people are either a lesson or a blessing. That hit home.

Im going to use this time to get a bit wiser and work on myself.

Thank you for all your posts.

Hi all

Thank you for all the support and messages. To clarify, I have children and dont want to introduce them to anyone. So when we started dating, and before we got intimate we had a very frank conversation. I cant be intimate without an emotional connection but had some boundaries. We are both divorced, cheated on, so we were honest about what the expectations were. The agreement was we were completely exclusive and if tempted we'd finish it rather than cheat as we had both been through it and it wasn't nice.

We never spent Christmas together as I was with my kids, he with his family but we'd see each other around the holidays, birthdays etc. Id spend the night at his, him at mine. We go out on dates, weekends away when the kids weren't about. My family and friends met him. He just said he was private and I took him at his word.

I went for an sti test today. The most humiliating experience (the staff were lovely but never a situation I thought id be in). I explained and had a full MOT so to speak.

Thank you to the poster who suggested checking social media. I dont use it a lot so I had a look at his. He mentioned going away in August to Spain on a lads holiday with his friend. I checked social media and the friend he told me he was with, was in Bali with his girlfriend the same time he was away. So another lie. No doubt with her.

He phoned me and asked casually what I was up to, and I said I've been for an sti check up. He was all like why, im like because your screensaver isn't a stock image, you were in Spain with another woman and im not stupid. I know your address, your work schedule, your mums address and 10 minutes on social media i could message your whole family.

Well turns out this bastard took in a 'lodger' in June, completely unknown to me, and they started sleeping together and are now in a relationship. She was out with the mum and his sister Saturday, hence why he wanted me out sharpish. I havent been to his overnight in a while so wouldn't have noticed anything. He doesn't want to be with her but she has just had a bereavement so hes waiting. Then had the cheek to ask for things to carry on as normal. He knows hes hurt me and lied and broke trust but it snowballed and he doesn't want to lose me. I told him there's nothing he can do for me a vibrator couldn't do, with greater strength and efficiency. Once you've lied to my face its done.

I also said i have no intention of starting drama so trying to keep me sweet to stop me exposing to his new victim hes a lying piece of shit is pointless. He needs to be honest with her but he won't be. Then blocked him. Dropped his stuff off in a box in his front garden and drove off. I left nothing important at his so just cut him off.

I thought we had a relationship on our terms that suited us both. Hes just a cock goblin that's best left to it. Im hurt and angry at myself for trusting him. Ive done the whole what does she have that I don't, why aren't I good enough. To be honest, id rather be by myself than lied to. Ive found a counsellor and booked an appointment. Try and build some self esteem as hes wrecked mine. I feel stupid and foolish but my sister said people are either a lesson or a blessing. That hit home.

Im going to use this time to get a bit wiser and work on myself.

Thank you for all your posts.

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

I’d say you are being played.

There doesn’t need to be any big confrontation or scene. You can just decide that the trust has gone and end it. You don’t even need to say why. It can be as simple as “this isn’t working for me any more Good bye and good luck”.

Or do you feel the need to know for sure?

I would do what is right for you

Go and knock on his mums door…