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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think im being played

236 replies

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

OP posts:
ButterPiesAreGreat · 06/10/2025 23:47

Allthatshines1992 · 06/10/2025 23:46

He put that women's photo on the phone. He hasn't told any of his family about you. You don't plan on living together or marrying. What's the point? He's treating you an FWB

Show quote history

Read the updates.

Allthatshines1992 · 06/10/2025 23:46

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

He put that women's photo on the phone. He hasn't told any of his family about you. You don't plan on living together or marrying. What's the point? He's treating you an FWB

JHound · 06/10/2025 23:44

He’s in a relationship with somebody else.

AP3003 · 06/10/2025 23:42

if I was in your situation I would have fantasised about having a big showdown. However, in reality, I would be proud to have handled it as decisively and with the class and dignity you have shown. Inspiring!

Friendlygingercat · 06/10/2025 23:37

This man is treating you in the way one might treat a hobby. You have regular days and times that you put aside for the hobby. Its an mportant part of your life. But You may not share it with your wider circle and its not your whole life. There is nothing wrong with having a relationship of that kind so long as you are both on the same page. Your BF asked you to be exclusive and you have stuck to the deal. But it seems he has not and thats manipulative and dishonest.

lauribec · 06/10/2025 23:35

Years ago I was seeing a lad for around 9/10 months, would spend all weekend with him and only hear off him via text during the week. He was in the army so in my head only being able to see him on weekends seemed to make sense.

My exs sister in law contacted me to ask if she could put me in touch with her friend - turns out we were both seeing the same person. I couldn’t understand how as it felt like we were in constant contact. Plot thickens as he also had an official girlfriend that he’d convinced the pair of us he’d split with.

Known this guys family all my life and his mum knew he had the 3 of us on the go and just let it slide 😂 she still comes over for a chat at the school gates haha!

You deserve so much better 🥰

honeylulu · 06/10/2025 23:04

Well done OP.

That's not a lodger he's sleeping with casually though. He has a photo of her on his phone and they went on holiday together and she's not only been introduced to his mum and sister but knows them well enough to go out on girls nights. Whether she came before or after you, she's the GF and you've been the FWB on the side.

Horrid of him. Why agree to exclusivity when he obviously had no intention of it.

Delphiniumandlupins · 06/10/2025 22:55

JoBrandsCleaner · 06/10/2025 22:45

Go out with his friend.

I think the people saying the OP only has herself to blame are being unkind. She expected the same from the relationship as she was putting in - honesty. She doesn't want to remarry, live with somebody or introduce a new partner to her DC. She does want an exclusive relationship. She met someone who claimed to want the same.

She has handled his deceit admirably (and I agree, I hope she has the friend's number).

onchesilbeach · 06/10/2025 22:53

Well done OP. I don’t believe a word of his story though. There is NO WAY she’s the lodger.

  1. why would a lodger be going out for the evening with his mum and sister?!
  2. Why didn’t he mention in June he had a lodger moving in if it was innocent and given you stayed over there from time to time. Only polite to let you know you might be sharing the bathroom with someone else!
  3. no late 30’s female chooses to lodge with a random man.
Phobiaphobic · 06/10/2025 22:50

I'm so sorry, OP. Look after yourself x

SpiritedFlame · 06/10/2025 22:50

OP I am so sorry he has treated you in this way especially after what you had experienced before and the big discussions.

I can totally imagine it having a real knock on effect with your confidence but I wanted to say I am in awe of how you handled this. It was totally kickass and just brilliant. I know you probably don't feel it right now but genuinely go you!

AnnoyedAsAllHeck · 06/10/2025 22:49

@IcySwan You are a rock star the way you handled it! Totally awesome on your part and your ex can pound salt. He sounds sad and pathetic that he got caught and called out on it.

JoBrandsCleaner · 06/10/2025 22:45

Go out with his friend.

Lighteningstrikes · 06/10/2025 22:44

He really is low. I’m cross on your behalf.

Onwards and upwards for you now 💐

LasVegass · 06/10/2025 22:43

So you caught him with the todger in the lodger. Well done for ditching him and for looking after yourself.

ShrankLastWinter · 06/10/2025 22:33

Oh well done for ditching him so smartly!

Worriedalltheday · 06/10/2025 22:33

You let this joke of a relationship’ go on for 3 years? You really need to work on yourself as to why you have zero awareness for yourself. The very big obvious clue was that you never met anyone in 3 years. And someone on here had to tell you to go check social media and you found out he’s cheating in 5minutes. Im amazed really at you

Greenwitchart · 06/10/2025 22:30

@AngelicKaty
''So you read "Hi, So have been in a casual ..." but it was too much of a stretch for you to continue reading "... relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. He's an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again)." 🙄''

Yes and I stand by what I wrote.

If you have a ''casual'' relationship and you are happy with it ''not being serious'' you are absolutely deluding yourself if you think that the other person is not going to see other people, even if they claim to want ''exclusivity'' to keep you interested.

You cannot make demands on someone in a casual relationship with no commitment or long term prospects. It is naive and frankly silly to think over wise. No wonder the OP is being played. It was always going to be the outcome.

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 06/10/2025 22:30

You’ve handled that brilliantly.

Charliec12 · 06/10/2025 22:30

After 3 years it doesn’t sound like this is going anywhere. You deserve to be more than a secret after 3 months let alone 3 years. He seems shady and there must be a reason for that. It seems odd he won’t see you on a Saturday, have you actually asked him why that is? I don’t believe the screensaver thing.

Worriedalltheday · 06/10/2025 22:28

Frankblackwife · 05/10/2025 02:30

You set yourself up for that tbf

Exactly, I can’t even feel sorry for you because the red flags are right there big and bold. Seriously how are some people this gullible?

ThisCheekyHazelSheep · 06/10/2025 22:24

Oh wow, What an infuriating, narcissistic, piece of garbage. He's an awful, awful human being. You handled it brilliantly though! I wish I had that sort of self control.

Nanny0gg · 06/10/2025 22:22

WeNeedToTalkAboutIT · 06/10/2025 21:48

Now THAT is the type of response that I wish we saw more of on Mumsnet. You've realised he was a lowlife, you've dealt with him decisively, and you're putting yourself and your health - physical and mental first. I am so proud of you!

Absolutely

Well done @IcySwan even though it hurts you're handling it so well

Flowers
Nanny0gg · 06/10/2025 22:21

LouiseK93 · 06/10/2025 21:00

Yes!! Accidentally on purpose leave something there...turn up unannounced to get it.

Read the updates

StasisMom · 06/10/2025 22:19

@IcySwan I’m so sorry, what a total fucker. You dealt with him very well and I hope you feel ok, and aren’t too shaken. I hope you move on from this quickly - he’s a fucktard and no, I don’t know you and this is very patronising so apologies, but you really deserve better.