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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think im being played

236 replies

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
FarmGirl78 · 08/10/2025 12:35

I find your use of 'casual' and 'serious' and their definitions very unusual. You can still have serious, committed relationships without getting married and sharing a home. You don't have to label it as just 'casual' because you're not looking to live together.

We have since broken up, but my last relationship we'd decided to never live together as we both had our own homes and liked our own different spaces. We were quite happy spending the rest of our lives doing that. But we were still very serious for the 4-5 years we were together. Not casual. While it's him who's been out of order, perhaps not labeling your effectively serious relationship as casual might subconsciously give you a better mental picture of your own expectations, so you're less likely to be taken for a ride next time? I can't think how to phrase that without sounding like I'm blaming you which I'm not!

Nanny0gg · 08/10/2025 11:49

Alwaysinamood · 07/10/2025 08:13

Are there any signs of another woman living there? Is it definitely his house? How old is he? I think you may unknowingly be the mistress!! Sounds like he has two lives

Read the updates...

V12red · 08/10/2025 07:59

This happened to me. 2 years I was seeing him and it turned out he lived with someone. He told me he had was a lodger and he wasn’t allowed guests over as the house was small. I went round one night and he answered the door and ushered me into his car. I knew. Turns out he had lived with her for 5 years! The calls were timed, odd weekends when I didn’t see him he told me he was away with the TA. I did tell her…. But she didn’t believe me even though I sent her the proof! He is definitely playing you

whatwhatwhatisgoingon · 07/10/2025 20:37

“Told him there was nothing he could do for me that a vibrator couldn’t, with greater strength and efficiency”. Utterly bloody brilliant op, well done you!!
I am sorry he turned out to be such a turd but I think you’ve dealt with the treacherous toad with great style.
I know it’s difficult but do try not to let him knock your confidence. You did nothing wrong.

Skybluepinky · 07/10/2025 19:25

he is leading a double life, move on.

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 12:44

Glowingup · 07/10/2025 11:39

What a dick. I see a lot on here about how people with kids should never introduce them to a new partner and should date separate to the kids. I’m just saying that this is the sort of thing you will get if you do that. Yes you may well find a guy who claims to be happy to not be a part of your life and to go for years and years with “just dating”. They won’t be committed to you though and most likely they are shagging other women. No decent guy wants a relationship like that - they would want to be part of all of your life.

I'm glad you posted this. It does seem to be a dilemma for many

ukathleticscoach · 07/10/2025 12:39

'both of us were happy with it not being serious'

You get what you pay for

Glowingup · 07/10/2025 11:39

What a dick. I see a lot on here about how people with kids should never introduce them to a new partner and should date separate to the kids. I’m just saying that this is the sort of thing you will get if you do that. Yes you may well find a guy who claims to be happy to not be a part of your life and to go for years and years with “just dating”. They won’t be committed to you though and most likely they are shagging other women. No decent guy wants a relationship like that - they would want to be part of all of your life.

allmymonkeys · 07/10/2025 11:39

The photo doesn't mean anything. A black and white picture of an average lady could be an old one of his mum, or anyone else who's in his gallery. My iPhone picks pictures at random if I can't be bothered to select one, often as not it's an electricity meter reading.

But that's not the point. If you can't have a free conversation with him about what the relationship really amounts to and trust him to be telling you the whole truth, then this is bs and you deserve better. Do you get enough out of the relationship as it is, or could you easily ditch it?

Daygloboo · 07/10/2025 11:25

IcySwan · 05/10/2025 00:46

Hi

So have been in a casual relationship for around 3 years. Established that it was exclusive, we facetime and message daily. See each other regularly. Hes an engineer on nights, no kids, divorced, own house. We both said while we wanted the exclusivity, both of us were happy with it not being serious (neither want to re marry or live together again).

My friends and family know about him (that im not single or looking) and ill happily answer his call when they're about. It wouldn't be a problem if he was at my house and they randomly turned up. Especially after all this time. I get that he may see being introduced to friends and family as things getting serious so never pushed it or asked to meet any of his.

None of his lot know I exist. He never replies or answers a call if hes with his lot. If im at his, he leaves his key in the door to stop his mum letting herself in (she lives opposite and takes in parcels, looks after his cats, makes him the odd dinner etc). When I asked if hes ever mentioned in passing whenever we've been out together somewhere he says no and that he is very private and doesn't share a lot. To the point I gave him a lift home from a night out once as the taxis were striking and his mate asked if I was single and should he ask for my number and he said yeah and that we were just mates. He explained it as no one else's business and didnt want gossip which I didnt think anything of.

He works odd hours but has Saturdays off. Never makes plans for Saturday. Its only ever in the week we see each other. I put it down to his shifts but again something in my gut doesn't feel right. Even our calls are in the daytime or later on in the evening when hes driving to jobs.

Tonight on a very rare sat night I popped to his. He said he was in as he was giving his mum, sister and her friend a lift home from a night out. Thought nothing of it, hes done this before. Usually he leaves me at his while he nips out and gets them and comes back (3 times its happened before although on a fri night).

Tonight he made a point of saying he'll walk me to my car when he leaves which was odd as I was under the impression I was staying.

The light bulb moment - he has an i phone (im android always have been so limited knowledge on i phones). I saw his screensaver on his phone (never paid attention before) and it was a black and white photo of a woman with dark curly hair, mid 30s. Not unattractive but not attractive enough to be a stock photo. I asked him who it was and he said hed upgraded to the ios 26 and it changed his screensaver to that photo. He quickly changed it to his cat.

Then I felt sick. Maybe the reason he didn't ask me to stay was he wasn't going to be on his own tonight - that pic is of his partner and I've been played for 3 years.

Do I phones have factory images of random women in black and white?

AIBU

I read further down. I dont think its a lodger he started an affair with. It's a woman he was having an affair with that he has moved in and therefore may have been going on a lot longer than you think. Possibly since near the beginning of your relationship. The whole thing is a lie and you are well rid. The man us a creep.

Katherine9 · 07/10/2025 10:47

CrystalMighty · 07/10/2025 10:24

Honestly these fuckboys are shameless the way they spread their community dick.

🤣🤣🤣

haha not heard 'community dick' before - thank you 😂

CrystalMighty · 07/10/2025 10:24

Honestly these fuckboys are shameless the way they spread their community dick.

🤣🤣🤣

Chickadee001 · 07/10/2025 10:14

HUGE RED FLAG - he's more than likely in a relationship or married and miraculously somehow has managed to avoid getting caught out. I suggest a face to face but not a shouty one until you know the truth.

wizzler · 07/10/2025 10:06

Op you have done nothing wrong and I think you have handled it all really well.

Katherine9 · 07/10/2025 09:38

IcySwan · 06/10/2025 20:47

Hi all

Thank you for all the support and messages. To clarify, I have children and dont want to introduce them to anyone. So when we started dating, and before we got intimate we had a very frank conversation. I cant be intimate without an emotional connection but had some boundaries. We are both divorced, cheated on, so we were honest about what the expectations were. The agreement was we were completely exclusive and if tempted we'd finish it rather than cheat as we had both been through it and it wasn't nice.

We never spent Christmas together as I was with my kids, he with his family but we'd see each other around the holidays, birthdays etc. Id spend the night at his, him at mine. We go out on dates, weekends away when the kids weren't about. My family and friends met him. He just said he was private and I took him at his word.

I went for an sti test today. The most humiliating experience (the staff were lovely but never a situation I thought id be in). I explained and had a full MOT so to speak.

Thank you to the poster who suggested checking social media. I dont use it a lot so I had a look at his. He mentioned going away in August to Spain on a lads holiday with his friend. I checked social media and the friend he told me he was with, was in Bali with his girlfriend the same time he was away. So another lie. No doubt with her.

He phoned me and asked casually what I was up to, and I said I've been for an sti check up. He was all like why, im like because your screensaver isn't a stock image, you were in Spain with another woman and im not stupid. I know your address, your work schedule, your mums address and 10 minutes on social media i could message your whole family.

Well turns out this bastard took in a 'lodger' in June, completely unknown to me, and they started sleeping together and are now in a relationship. She was out with the mum and his sister Saturday, hence why he wanted me out sharpish. I havent been to his overnight in a while so wouldn't have noticed anything. He doesn't want to be with her but she has just had a bereavement so hes waiting. Then had the cheek to ask for things to carry on as normal. He knows hes hurt me and lied and broke trust but it snowballed and he doesn't want to lose me. I told him there's nothing he can do for me a vibrator couldn't do, with greater strength and efficiency. Once you've lied to my face its done.

I also said i have no intention of starting drama so trying to keep me sweet to stop me exposing to his new victim hes a lying piece of shit is pointless. He needs to be honest with her but he won't be. Then blocked him. Dropped his stuff off in a box in his front garden and drove off. I left nothing important at his so just cut him off.

I thought we had a relationship on our terms that suited us both. Hes just a cock goblin that's best left to it. Im hurt and angry at myself for trusting him. Ive done the whole what does she have that I don't, why aren't I good enough. To be honest, id rather be by myself than lied to. Ive found a counsellor and booked an appointment. Try and build some self esteem as hes wrecked mine. I feel stupid and foolish but my sister said people are either a lesson or a blessing. That hit home.

Im going to use this time to get a bit wiser and work on myself.

Thank you for all your posts.

OP, you handled this amazingly. Despite the hurt and betrayal, you showed you were the better person. I hope that, in time, you can fully appreciate your strength in dealing with this absolute twat of a man.

Esthery · 07/10/2025 09:35

Sounds like you've taken some pretty brave, affirming and strong action there: you don't read like a woman with no self-esteem to me.

You're understandably hurt, but, that'll pass.

itsalwayssunnyhere · 07/10/2025 09:31

Well done, OP! You deserve far better treatment, good for you for cutting him off!

Sassylovesbooks · 07/10/2025 09:30

OP, you handled the situation really well. Held your head up high and were dignified. Regardless if this woman is a 'lodger' or not (it's irrelevant), he's been cheating on you behind your back. If his Mum and sister have met her, and you haven't in 3 years, it suggests she's a long-term partner, who he perhaps has just started living with. I suspect he was the one doing the cheating in the past, and not the woman, like he claimed. It's hard, but none of this is your fault. I'm glad you have booked an appointment with a therapist, it will give you a chance to talk through your feelings and to slowly build your self-esteem back up.

WildLeader · 07/10/2025 09:16

Oh love, that’s tough, but you’ve absolutely done the right thing.

the “oh I don’t want to be with her” line is such a shower of shit.. I’m guessing SHE doesn’t know she’s a lodger either.

hes a cheat, a rat, a slime ball. You deserve better

in future don’t fall for the “I’m a private person” line when they’re not telling their family/friends about you. This was a red flag, you know this. Don’t ignore the red flags again.

CantBreathe90 · 07/10/2025 09:06

DurinsBane · 05/10/2025 02:19

Turn up unannounced

Show quote history

This!

It's a normal thing to do with a long term partner, so would only be weird, if he has something to hide. And if he DOES have something to hide, it's all out in the open. No lies. No gaslighting. No worrying about telling his other girlfriend or anything - nice and clean.

Alwaysinamood · 07/10/2025 08:52

Sorry read the update after I posted! I think she’s more than his lodger. I suspect she’s his long term girlfriend, wife even, who potentially may work away. I’d be tempted to tell her !

MrsMitford3 · 07/10/2025 08:49

Since his behaviour over the 3 years was consistent-always secretive and keeping you hidden -leads me to believe that the "lodger" was probably another girlfriend who eventually moved in with him.
He didn't just suddenly become secretive-he was always the same.

It was just getting harder to compartmentalise and eventually fell apart.

Well done for getting out of that mess!!!

Serpentstooth · 07/10/2025 08:39

He practically offered you to his friend? That's your answer.

Alwaysinamood · 07/10/2025 08:13

Are there any signs of another woman living there? Is it definitely his house? How old is he? I think you may unknowingly be the mistress!! Sounds like he has two lives

Iamnotalemming · 07/10/2025 07:38

Well done OP. You might not feel like it right now but you are awesome. 💪

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