to be glad I didn't sacrifice my career for my kids

I didn’t give up my career either and to be honest I wasn’t aware of any pressure to do so! Every mother i knew was a working mother and it was perfectly normal and acceptable.
I feel there is a lot more pressure now on women now to be stay at home mums. Various reasons probably. I think possibly more mothers are staying at home to home school their children in the face of greater recognition of neurodiversity and the perceived unsuitabiity of the school environment on some children children. Rising cost of living might be forcing more families to evaluate if they are better off
working but having a huge amount of their income swallowed by childcare, or staying at home. The trad wife trend is rising among young women. And yes, internalised misogyny is rampant.

@Satisfiedwithanappleit’s not the split of assets that’s the issue. It’s running the house and the bills that often is or the ability to then get a mortgage after years of not working. This is the main risk of being the SAHP every time. Judges prefer a clean break so spousal support is much rarer now in the UK.

But as long as they are married they get a share. As long as there are assets and they haven’t just spent all of DH’s income that is.

A woman’s place is in the wrong.

I agree with the OP. Not least because other people my age are now worrying about pensions.

But individuals should do what they want. My SIL is a SAHM. Their choice.

I think one thing is that some people do look down on SAHMs and it makes them defensive.

Not all this again. Are these threads AI generated? So boring. Do whatever you want. Nobody cares.

I don't think it was about the women happily going to gym and driving around in a 4x4 that hubby pays for who later have a relationship breakdown and have no stake in assets because they never contributed and suddenly have to think about entering the world of employment.

It was obviously the right thing for you. Personally I gave up my career and became a SAHM and I am very happy that I did that. I went back to work part time once they were in school and have always worked hours to suit family life. For me that was the right choice. My girls are 16 and 17 now, I don’t want a career I am very content doing what I do now.

I was an SAHP while mine were preschool / early primary. Yes it has absolutely had an impact on finances / career (I'm now divorced), but I have absolutely no regrets, precisely because those years are so fleeting. If you left your place of work tomorrow, your employer would fill your position in a month and life would go on just the same - and we like to flatter ourselves that isn't true, but it almost always is. Your kids can't replace you.

@ZenNudist- excellent post.

My DH both work simikar hours. sensible hours, reasonable salary. I feel this is good role modelling for our DC, as it models equality

And the "man with a big job / SAHM" model perpetuates patriarchy IMHO. When the male boss has to pick up their children from school, they'll stop scheduling meetings at 4pm and causing difficulty for the parents (often mothers) needing to pick up children

And, as a grown adult, I want to pay my own way in the world id hate to be financially dependent on my DH. It makes women very vulnerable

I fully accept that people have different priorities. For me, feminism is having those choices.
However, women need to be making informed choices. We should fully understand ( as much as is possible) the implications of the decisions we make.

Telling women that a significant break from the labour market won’t have any impact is irresponsible. Telling women that they can just ‘pick up their career again in a few years’ is not always true. In the eyes of an employer, you’ve been unemployed (whether you agree with that terminology or not) and if they need someone with recent, relevant experience then you are at a disadvantage.

I’m not saying don’t become a SAHM, I’m just saying make that decision taking into consideration all the various factors.

Because there will always be people who think they are "better" because of the choices they made. Internalised misogyny still runs deep, and to be a woman who wants a life outside of parenting/caring/looking after others is still seen as unacceptable in many families. I'm currently battling this in my own family, now the DC are older and more independent it's unrealistic expectations around elderly care rather than childcare. Because I'm now "free" outside of work, I should occupy that time looking after older family members instead of the kids, apparently.

Being a woman who admits to having limits on the amount of time, energy and resources she has for looking after others is still quite frowned upon.

I am too. Lone parent so actually didn’t have too much choice in the matter but really threw myself into it when DD16 was very young. Had a live in nanny as I had to travel a bit.

I am glad I did as the seniority level gave me a lot of flexibility over the years, never missed a school event and when I realised DD needed private school as she was AUDHD I could afford it.

One thing though women have a habit of tearing each other down. We really don’t need to do that BUT when you don’t work it does put you in the high risk bracket we see day in day out where high earning DH ditches out for the OW and suddenly there is no sustainable income.

Taking time out of paid employment to care for someone else - whether that's your children or your elderly parents etc - is a sacrifice. You sacrifice your earning potential and pension, for example. I admire people who do it, and do not see them as 'unemployed'. But obviously not everyone is in a position to do it or wants to do it. It's so dependant on everyone's individual circumstances, which is why these threads always end in a bun fight. Why can't we just accept that people have different priorities and different circumstances and that determines the decisions they make?

What if you like the career you have? Not all careers can withstand a long break and that needs to be considered when making such big decisions.

As someone who has spent a significant amount of time researching women’s career development and supporting women return to work I really wish people would be more mindful when declaring that a significant period of unemployment won’t be detrimental to your long term employment prospects.
Because in many cases it will, and while some won’t be bothered by that I’ve seen first hand the shock and disappointment when getting a job or restarting a career is challenging.

Oh, and 10 years is not a 'career break', it's long term unemployment.

It was meant to be a rude and patronising response to all the awful vitriol earlier in the thread about working mothers not being there, missing beautiful memories, missing a fleeting childhood. All absolute guff and designed to make working mothers feel bad. Not to mention missing the point that there a equal amount of drudge as there are beautiful memories in early childhood. This thread feels like a regression to the dark ages and I strongly suspect that a lot of the contributors might be from bible belt America. It's framed slightly differently but essentially it's saying women should get themselves back into the kitchen as soon as they procreate. Horrifying.

Same here, Girlie.

One can build a career later on, many of us do.

"I didn't work my arse off to shake maracas in some church hall. And those who are saying they'll get back into it after the kids are at school - you never had a career in the first place, you had a job"

This is so rude and patronising! So anyone who has a career break "never had a career in the first place"? So they're not as clever and amazing as you?

I am with you OP! I also never wanted to be financially dependent on anyone, there are so many people on here, and some people I know (women mostly) who are treated dreadfully by their other half when relationships break down!! I worked flexible hours and nights when the kids were little so they only ever went to nursery part time and they had the best of me.

They both now work and fully understand why its important to have that financial security and independence.

I have known colleagues ( not military) put their kids in boarding school so they can work full time etc. Pretty cold hearted if you ask me, but each to their own and their kids still speak to them!

It’s always a balancing act I think, I have always worked since dd was 7 months old but part time 3 or 4 days a week.

Dd is 19 now and I do feel I got the balance right most of the time and I have progressed in my career albeit probably slower than if I’d worked FT.

I can reassure everyone that my kids would find a version of me that didn't work bloody horrible to live with and the worst of all worlds. I've never climbed a corporate ladder, I've done 'social good' in my career. But so what if I did?

Also! I much prefer older kids. Mine are pre teens now and infinitely more interesting than toddlers and I have more flexibility from pushing through. I work with quite a few women who cut their mat leave short to come back to work because they were depressed. Parenting's a lifelong gig, they need you differently at different times. No parental help here either, I'm mid 40s and my parents still work FT.

They wanted to have the children one day a week each so they could spend time with them as our weekends were family time. Had they not offered I would have used nursery for the full 4 days, their days lookong after the children didn't enable me to work as I would have worked full time irrespectively.

I’ve never been a SAHM because I’ve needed the money from work. However, although my job is progressional and reasonably well paid I don’t get even an iota of the satisfaction from it that I do from parenting. My DC are 13 and 10 and I still feel like that! I do both, but work is secondary for me