DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

It is in no way your place to tell your friend to end her marriage! If she chooses to do so, it should come from her. Totally unacceptable of you to say this. You support her and sympathise.

sounds like he’s in shock and he’s grieving what he thought would be. Albeit not in a way anyone one of us would want our spouse to react, but it can happen. Grief is ugly. Allow him time to get over the shock and your friend should see what the situation is then.

He sounds awful. The only reason he will be failing her is if he continues on this mindset.
It could just be the shock talking right now. Much in the same way some parents act out and are awful to their DC when they come out as gay, but later realise they are being dicks and it doesnt matter and they still love their child.

If this mindset does continue past the initial shock phase, then your friend is best off setting herself and her DD free. A life of being treated as an embarrassment or that you are on the path for failure will certainly set someone up to fail. Plus the very damaging effects on the DD mental health being exposed to these thoughts and rejection day in day out.

As for him being a dr, it is awful to think how he used feel about some of his patients. Some people go in to it as they really do care and want to make a difference. Others go in to it as they want the money & status. He falls into the last bracket, unfortunately I think most are the same, as i have seen or heard a lot of this that makes me value Dr's much less than I probably should. As so many are not very nice people

Grieve? It’s not a death sentence. Being autistic is just being human. Bloody hell. I didn’t grieve when my DS was diagnosed. We love the fact he is ND as he’s one of the most interesting and talented people that I know!

He needs to educate himself about autism. So much preconceived ideas! Shocking!

It really doesn’t matter if it’s “cultural”. We wouldn’t excuse similar reactions from grandparents because they were “older”.

Getting diagnosed at a younger age sometimes means a better outcome. My own DS was diagnosed at 5 with Aspergers, high functioning. Went to mainstream school. I split from his DF due to him not accepting the diagnosis but in reality, he couldn't cope. I did a far better job on my own, could concentrate on DS better on a one to one basis. My DS is a teen now and no one knows/can tell he has ASD. He has his struggles and weaknesses but it's not 'in your face' like it was when he was younger.

Hmmm, I will probably get grief for this but.. when my son was diagnosed autistic (13 years ago) I refused it too. Was fuming they wanted to put a label on my child and put him apart from other children. Wondered what the future meant for him if school really felt he needed extra help and assistance, and so what that he's a little different and slow to speak.

I was hugely upset for a while, his dad wasn't, he was indifferent about it.

Obviously I know now that it doesn't even really change that much, he's 15 this week and thriving. He struggles to make friends is probably the only thing that really reminds us.

I fucking cringe now when I think about how stupid I was to try fight the professionals, what a tool I was!!

Your husband will feel foolish as well some day but don't end your marriage just yet. Give him some time and some information and pray he doesn't keep acting this way and I hope it's not around the child

Is this a cultural thing? I have first hand experience that African people can have very negative views around neurodiversity, based on traditional attitudes. Do you have any links in with slightly more enlightened elders in his community, who might tell him to get a grip in himself?

Failing that, tell him flatly to have a word with himself, and stop being so bloody stupid. I am tired of stupid men.

That’s the tip of the iceberg compared to what his parents said to him on a daily growing up - knowing Nigerians, he was probably holding back.

I could never love a human who talked about their one child like that. Repulsive cunt

What a nasty bastard. It would be over it it were me.

He’s a doctor so he will come round and educate himself. As a fellow west African I can honestly say that he will be her biggest support and protector in future. He’s in shock and many west Africans are very expressive, overly honest and harsh with their words when in shock.

He’s grieving but he’ll come round. His wife should send him this to encourage him that there are many possible life paths for their daughter but she’ll need his full support to reach them: www.theguardian.com/society/2023/jul/11/jason-arday-cambridge-university-youngest-black-professor

Yes he really is….ironically ill educated arsehole …. Poor little girl xx

Look at Professor Jason Arday. As an example on what Autistic people can achieve.

Nigerian heritage may kind of be a part. There's a pressure in African culture the only way to achieve is academically, which was propogated through a colonial education system. Having a profession is seen as the (only) career route.

Unless you've seen the light, questioned it, had therapy, (any variation of those), imagine it can be hard to have formulated a different outlook on life. But his DD may force that change although it would have to happen fast.

Mental health also not well recognised in many cultures (barely in the UK even).

It is seen as a bit woo, mystical forces, to have disabilities in lots of cultural mythology, and if you've never questioned it you might feel shame. I get he's a doctor but there's a split between public persona and private life / family.

I'm wildly generalising and this is only based on my experience.

When I lived in Africa I had to say I wanted to be a teacher as it was incomprehensible to anyone if I express not wanting a profession.

I don’t know.
Is he this unreasonable at other times?
If he’s Nigerian and they divorce, could he take the child (children) out of the country?
I think you and your friend need to think more than just one move ahead.
I’m truly sorry for the situation and for your friend and especially for her child.
You hang in there. ❤️

He didn't do any high school exams, he left to be home schooled at 11 because he was really struggling in the school system.

When he was 16 he went to college to do a future focus course, which is basically modules of a little bit of everything, when he passed that course after a year he was able to apply for the college course he really wanted to do, 2 years of that and he passed and got accepted into uni, he's now 21, in his second year.

It took him a bit longer due to the extra year doing the additional course at college, however I don't think he would have gone at all had I forced him to stay on at school.

He's absolutely thriving at uni in a way he never did at school, even college was a world away from school.

It's so hard, and I remember for years I was tearing my hair out thinking I messed up his life by pulling him out of school, feeling guilty about the way it 'should' have been, but, thankfully its all paid off now.

Exactly it’s more than just stigma, it’s superstition, fears about witchcraft and curses, it’s what he knows his family members- especially his parents will say. There’s some grieving he will have to do for the life he imagined for his daughter, and the role he will need to play in protecting her from harmful west African attitudes about neurodiversity (which some view as demonic/ a curse).

He may need a culturally sensitive therapist to walk him through this.

And me….

Awful but not surprising sadly. My ds dad is a GP and said he believed autism and ADHD were made up and just naughty kids.

Beggars belief these men are doctors!

Why not? Like him or not, the guy is a billionaire, and sounds exactly the type of person the dad would would aspire to

That must be really difficult 💐

Unfortunately..............

It’s quite incredible. Under the Eq Act 2010
harassment is when someone creates an intimidating hostile degrading or offensive environment for someone based on a protected characteristic like disability. People are protected at work, school, for housing, goods/services etc.
Not sadly at home! If his views are so pronounced how must this impact his practice.
May be no going back now. How many other DC do they have? Hope your friend is doing as best she can in the circumstances.

That stuffs runs deep unfortunately. My west African parents still don’t believe ADHD exists despite me and a sibling having been diagnosed.

I’m sure another sibling is autistic but they’d never get diagnosed as the stigma around autism in west African communities is not great.

For Nigerians it’s doctor, lawyer, engineer or failure. But he’ll come round - he just needs to realise that if he wants her to be successful in life in spite of her diagnosis, his attitudes will be the biggest roadblock to that. She needs a father who will support her, educate himself on the condition (which should be easy for him since he’s a doctor), and be her biggest cheerleader.