DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

I grew up undiagnosed autistic with an abusive father who was ashamed of me. Please tell her to LTB.

I have a university degree , I work, volunteer own a home have raised a family but at 50 I am still an embarrassment and I've been NC for years.

Well he’s a shit doctor and father isn’t he? My sister is diagnosed with Audhd (autism and ADHD) - she is a medical doctor and has a son. Fairly normal life despite a few difficulties.

Of course he’s being ridiculous.

Well at least if she divorces the judgemental fucker, she won't have to worry about fighting him for custody, and as he's employed, she'll get child maintenance at least. Horrible man.

Read the OP's other posts on the thread @CosyMintFish . He is a narcissist who thinks if you're not a doctor or barrister you are nothing. He cares about his standing with his colleagues whose kids will be applying to prestigious schools, as he has said. He won't come around. It's who he is.

Read the OP's other posts on the thread. He is a narcissist who thinks if you're not a doctor or barrister you are nothing. He won't come around. It's who he is.

Appalling. Of course she should divorce him.

My autistic daughter went to university and holds two degrees my autistic son will probably never be able to take GCSES

It's not set in stone

Thank you so much this gives me hope, I'm at the tearing my hair out stage.
Apologies OP I don't want to divert the thread but had trouble with the PM which doesn't seem to be working for me.

It’s not too bad- I’m used to it. The difficulty is in shaking off those beliefs myself. Despite being diagnosed I didn’t get help, take medication, seek accommodations or tell work/ anyone I had adhd for many years. As I also had internalised the stigma.

I know my parents just wanted the best for me, and that they are a product of the culture and harsh environments in which they were raised. In a country like Nigeria, ensuring stability for your family’s future is the biggest privilege and guarantee of long term wellbeing in a country with political, economic and social instability. I’m glad that I have a profession that I can always fall back on in tough times- my parents made a lot of sacrifices to make that possible for me. So I understand their refusal to acknowledge my ADHD- they didn’t want to risk my future by doing so (even if that fear is from ignorance and harmful beliefs about neurodiversity).

I’m going to go against the grain here.

I work with children and have worked closely to families whose children were on the pathway. A lot of those parents acted like this and struggled with the diagnosis. I’d give him a bit of time. Of course if he persists then I’d reevaluate, but a lot of parents feel they are mourning the life they imagined for their child. One without struggles they know they will have.

mg own AIBU is to tell her to divorce him! (She knows I’m posting this)
her AIBU is to basically tell him he’s being ridiculous and stand her ground

This is going to confuse the voting results, if you're interested in those, as you've asked two different questions. SHE is NOT being unreasonable to stand her ground and protect her daughter's interests; there's nothing else she can do. As for divorcing him, it doesn't solve the problem as he is still the child's parent. Hard as it sounds (and almost certainly is) the most effective advocacy for her daughter right now may be for her to exercise whatever influence she has over him to get him to look at the situation realistically. First of all, nothing has to be decided and no one outside the immediate family has to be told today. Second, there's no need to disrupt her schooling/life; she's 7! This is an opportunity to get her the help she needs quite early on without making any huge sudden changes; his education and experience and status as a doctor should HELP with that, not hinder it. Does he have any colleagues or perhaps experts, former teachers, etc. whom he respects who've actually done work on autism?

What a horrible man! My ex partner is autistic and has a PhD in Neuroscience. How can he not see that he will be the thing to hold her back

He sounds dreadful, the poor child 😩 my DD is autistic, she was finally diagnosed in February after a 10 year struggle to have her even assessed, the relief I felt from that diagnosis was unbelievable, and I know my DD felt it too as it meant that she was no longer going to be misunderstood by her peers or at school.
we have both felt that it has brought a lot of clarity and explanations for why things are as they are, I’m a little bit surprised by your friends husband’s reaction. Do you think maybe it is a culture thing, or perhaps just about his ego and how he looks to the outside world?
I do hope this doesn’t affect the child going forward, I feel so sad having read this x

So many people with autism have become successful, rich and famous. This 'doctor' is an idiot, he should know better. He sounds like a vile snob and pig. The mother needs to get away from him and keep him away from her daughter for her daughter's wellbeing as the sperm donor (any man who speaks like that about his daughter does not deserve the honour of being called dad or father) could really harm the daughter's confidence and ability and be damaging for her development and growth. Fuck me you'd think a doctor of all people would know better! He is an absolute fucking pig from the sewer who cares more about his 'standing' with his pretentious colleagues than his own little girl!

Yes it is! (Mum of autistic children too) he’s shown his true colours - absolute POS

He would be getting over that (or not) in his own time & not making my child feel anything other than fabulous.
If he couldn't manage that he could fuck off.

Honestly with his inability to regulate his own emotions, rigid thinking (autism = non achieving and no inbetween), choice of profession, and the fact we know autism is highly genetic, I think we know where her DD’s autism came from.

He sounds like a horror but is clearly battling some deep, deep feelings of inadequacy, and likely imposter syndrome and feeling like he’s never quite fit in because he himself is likely undiagnosed autistic. He’s seeing his daughter’s diagnosis like a mirror and he hates his reflection. That’s my best guess armchair psychologist take anyway.

He is in shock. No one can predict exactly how they react when in shock.

The worst outcome for their daughter would be that they divorce.
The best outcome is what will probably transpire over the next few months. That is that the father and mother will learn much more about the diagnosis and will endeavour to do their upmost to equip DD for a bright future.

She will benefit from expensive education opportunities and universities for sure.

I'll make a bet that the two of them will use their resources very actively and wisely and make a loving and huge diference to how their DD copes.

Encourage your friend to go on a steep learning adventure with her husband and to explain to him that their daughter needs every bit of support and more to ensure that she is independant, happy and successful. That it is crucial that her husband contributes and applies his brain to making DD's future bright.

He's a fucking twat. One that needs to get a grip, but I don't think I could get over his reaction.

He’s acting like a wanker. I’m a very academically high achieving professional and it was a bit sad to think that my son would probably not be the same. But he’s 16 now and considering where he was and his struggles he’s doing absolutely amazing, with uni and a good career real prospects. His daughter is the same person she was before the diagnosis. She’s not changed. Comparing to other people is not helpful - who’s to say any of those mates kids will want or be able to be medics anyway. He needs to grow up, step up and get a grip and support his child.

The last thing he should do is speak to elders in his community sorry. But I agree with you that it’s a cultural thing. His wife should give him time to come round but make it clear that if he so much as hints at his attitudes to autism in front of their daughter, he’ll be shown the door.

I cried when my child got diagnosed with ADHD, even though I have adhd myself. Had to leave the doctors office so my child wouldn’t see. I was devastated in a way I wasn’t when their sibling was diagnosed with a serious chronic condition. Because thestigma about neurodiversity runs deep in our communities and I didn’t want my child to experience it too. In fact it’s a miracle he made it to diagnosis as I kept rejecting the school’s referrals for assessment, trying to convince myself that they had got it wrong. So I do get the husband’s reaction, even though he could express his sadness in a kinder way.

I don’t get this; surely as a doctor he recognises that ND is often an inherited trait, and has strong links to sperm quality, so he probably is ND himself and is the root of his child’s diagnosis 🙄

He can’t spout such nonsense, yet be such an “educated” thicko.

Look up "Welcome to Holland" by By Emily Perl Kingsley. I think it's brilliant. Let the man take time to process the diagnosis, because it takes time especially if you have grown up being told that disabled people never amount to anything.

I opened the post thinking it’s probably a bit of a shock to him and he needs time to adapt - but that level of disgusting things he’s saying IMO should be meet with divorce papers and an application to have sole custody to keep him and his damaging views away from the DC. Shocking that a doctor is so ignorant about this.

Or Elon Musk FFS! The whole of silicone valley wouldn’t exist without Neurodivergent people.