DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

This type of reaction is quite common with an autism diagnosis. It brings up an enormous amount of emotions in some parents that they struggle to deal with. It is understandable.

I remember first being told by Young Minds that my dd's behaviour was likely a result of her being ND. It was weird, because initially I had an overwhelming sense of relief that it wasn't our parenting at failt, we weren't 'doing it wrong'. Then came a sense of grief for how her future may look very different to a NT child's. I knew quite little about these things at the time and immediately jumped to worst case scenario. Ultimately though, hearing those words gave me an understanding of her that I'd never had before, because I had been approaching everything with a belief that she was simply naughty and defiant. There was definitely a 'coming to terms' process though.

My immediate reaction to your post op was huge sadness for the little girl, and anger at her father's reaction. But then I wonder whether this is a first reaction in the process of coming to terms with the diagnosis. We don't all react in the same way, after all, and many of us parents of SEN children can remember a time when we are not proud of how we've reacted. I'm hoping he will eventually work his way through how he's feeling and become more supportive. If he doesn't though, then I'd agree that this is a deal breaker. Parents of disabled children have to unite with and support one another and co-parent effectively. Unfortunately the majority do end up separating - usually because one parent (and usually the mum) has greater capacity for patience, understanding and adapting their parenting/ putting the needs of their child first accordingly.

Msybe he feels that his sperm is " suboptimal" and is a blow to his fragile male ego.
Sdd is autistic and she gets As for all her exams and is amazing.

She’s seven…. Surely given that the diagnosis is so late that would mean her symptoms aren’t so severe?

My son has the most severe type of autism plus a global developmental delay and we were told by a nurse that something was very wrong with him (he was one years old).

He would violently rock his body back and forth, flap his arms like a bird and walk on tiptoes. He would line up his cars and spin in circles. He had violent meltdowns. On one occasion multiple neighbours knocked on my door about the screaming.

I cried for a solid 2 weeks after the diagnosis. I had cared for an autistic child when I was younger and absolutely hated it.

My partner had a breakdown. I won’t go into specifics - but it was bad and I called the Police & ambulance.

My son was completely non verbal and had no receptive language.

Our paediatrician told us that sometimes children grow out of it and he just said we had to get him out of his own world and into ours.

I was later told by his speech therapist to adjust our expectations as to what his speech may look like in the future. I found a new speech therapist.

My son is now talking. He’s toilet trained. He plays team sports. He plays Roblox like his much older cousins and he likes crafts and Legos. He’s stopped lining up his cars. He enjoys getting involved in school activities and spoke at an assembly - which shocked us. He’s kind, he’s funny - he tries to make us laugh.

I gave up my career to care for him and I think that has paid off. We are at the point where some people don’t believe he’s autistic and think I’ve made it up.

Our friendship group have been supportive. Many sharing stories of their own families or friends with autistic children.

Your husband’s behaviour is quite disgusting. As a doctor he should be reading about the new medical studies on autism and the treatment options. New research shows that the grading/classification system for autism in the DSM is completely wrong and there are more reliable methods of determining where a child fits on the spectrum and giving a better view of what their future may look like. Your husband should know about genetic testing and the folate antigen testing and a new (cheap) drug treatment. As a doctor he would have better access to these treatments. Yet all he cares about is himself and how his peers perceive him.

I don’t raise my child with all the gentle parenting BS that we are told we must do for autism (redirecting, never saying no and ignoring when we are hit). I completely disagree with this. Of course my child is still autistic but I don’t think my life is over like I did before.

It can’t have been a huge shock though surely?

The evidence you need to get anywhere near the assessment process is usually quite indicative of having ASD and the assessment process is also usually quite long.

By the time you get a diagnosis you’ve usually had a lot of time to think about the situation and reflect, although self reflection might be a skill the DH in question is lacking.

You beat me to it.

As someone who has worked in the nhs for 20 years believe me there’s a lot of autistic doctors! I genuinely think a lot of people with autism are drawn to healthcare and specifically medicine. He has an old fashioned view of autism and is thinking this is going to seriously limit her when that may not be the case. Especially if she’s keeping up at school. In fact it can mean the opposite, the most autistic person I know is in serious genius territory, taking GCSEs years early, etc.

Autism does tend to run in families as well, I have a lot of relatives with autism…..none of whom have been an educational failure. My Dd is autistic and got a 1st class degree and is currently doing a Masters at a RG university. I have another relative who I suspect is probably autistic and is at Cambridge. Another relative who’s a teacher.

she shouldn’t divorce him over this as it stands. He’s in shock, he needs time to come round and have stuff like this pointed out to him.

any chance he may be autistic? There is a tendency to think in quite black and white terms and ime to over catastophrise.

I had a narcissistic autistic father too, he blamed the autism in the family on my mother when it was clearly from him. He was in total denial and I've seen it in other autistic fathers too. Even one who ignored his son for his entire childhood as he saw him as lesser and broken. I'd tell your friend what I told my friend, LTB for the sake or your child.

Glad theyre doing well.
What was their journey to uni if did no exams?

That's interesting that ASD diagnoses are overrepresented in selective schools and medicine. Do you think it's the traits of ASD that lend themselves to being successful in that way, or is it that they are likely from middle class families who are better able to access a diagnosis than working class families? Or perhaps it's a bit of both?

My husband is a medical consultant. His attention to detail is mind boggling and he can remember so much detail too. Course that’s perfect for medicine. It’s also incredibly autistic too! He’s never been diagnosed but recognises it.

Our son is dyspraxic and I reckon has a touch of ADHD chucked in the mix. He’s the opposite of my husband.

I think my husband probably had silent expectations of our son, ones he could never live up to, and he’s certainly not able to keep up with his colleagues with their so called perfect children. But big deal, people have their own strengths and weaknesses and he’s never said anything.

I know what this persons colleagues will be seemingly like. Super academic kids, lots of clubs, achievements etc, all stuff he will feel like he should live up to. Medicine is very middle class competitive parent! It’s probably that.

Ironically ASD diagnosis isn’t a barrier to achievement. As many say it’s way over represented in medicine and in selective schools. So academic achievement should still be absolutely doable.

Your friend should contact the charity, Oak Konsult, it's founder is a Nigerian lady who helps Nigerian and BAME families come to terms with a SEND diagnosis. She is also building a school in Nigeria for SEND children & is an amazing woman. Please ask your friend to contact Oak Konsuling as they'll be well placed to support her.

https://oakonsult.org/

He sounds like a snob who cares far too much about what people think. She's 7 and I can guarantee that his colleagues cannot possibly know whether their children of a similar age will be academic high performers in high school and onto university. I imagine that he has a few autism traits as well - his inflexible attitude for a start. My husband initially found our son's ADHD diagnosis challenging and hard to accept but he never behaved like this My husband is on the autism spectrum and, frankly, so were about half of his colleagues in a hard science. I am a lawyer and many of my colleagues also have children on the spectrum so I am amazed that his colleagues all have very academic neurotypical children cut out for prestigious universities.

Sounds like he needs to be tested for ASD

Yup. The first person in my family to have a formal diagnosis was my cousin's son. He's now an electrical engineer, living in a house which he has bought outright.

There are many people from Nigeria that would see an ASD diagnosis as a disaster and something to mourn regardless of their levels of education and "knowing better". It's more than likely he already knew but seeing it on paper has crystallised it for him. He's clearly very much in the wrong here but culturally I see why he is struggling. I hope he is able to figure out a way to support is child.

He of all professions should be aware and understanding of ASD and ADHD. He may try tactics to ignore it, seek out what " make the child better" or blame his partner or focus on the siblings to fulfil his dreams. He has a horrendous attitude to neurodivergent people. This is what neurodivergent people have to tolerate from those who do not understand or " see failure". I would be heartbroken for a child that a father or mother would have this attitude. He will have to learn to accept the diagnosis if not it would be a deal breaker.

Does he often display rigid thinking and an inability to accept other viewpoints?

He is Nigerian and basically thinks if you’re not a doctor or a barrister then get out of the family

I don’t understand any of this, or the embarrassment factor. I know lots of Dr’s with ASD and also know lawyers with it. In all honesty, I struggle to think of any surgeon I know without it and don’t even get me started on all the kids coming through now, they all wave bits of paper with lots of letters on them (seemingly to skive off the long hours and and so they don’t have any stress in what is an intensive training program with long hours and bucket loads of stress🙄). Surely, he would be well aware of this in the medical profession unless he has been living under a rock.

I have one with ASD (plus many other letters to cover all their other bits and bobs), and they did a highly sought after degree and have a successful professional life, and all of their friends have at least ASD but have also gone on to do well in life work wise, so this man has no idea what he is talking about.

Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t think that all people with ASD will become doctors, lawyers or astronauts etc. I have a friend with a child with ASD who is institutionalised, can’t talk, is not toilet trained (they are mid-20’s), is violent and basically has to live chemically sedated for their own safety and for those around them. That’s where the whole ASD title is not helpful at all lumping everyone into the same descriptor.

Besides which, it’s all quite moot anyway, maybe his child won’t want to be a doctor or barrister, maybe be they will want to be an archeologist or aeronautical engineer, or a train driver etc.

Yes this.

Is that it's shock. It can be hard to accept that there's something 'wrong' with your perfect child.

I remember my uncle absolutely refused to accept his daughter's epilepsy diagnosis (!) Swore there was nothing wrong with her and that he would never give her her medication, etc.

Needless to say, he came around and spent a good chunk of his time chasing her with a syringe/thinking up ways to get ber to swallow her meds!!

Unfortunately as lot of men leave marriages when there is a special needs child then the mother has to carry the full load. Quite often being unable to work, and then getting belittled for being on benefits as well as dealing with the extra load of the child's needs.

I’m AuDHD. I have 2 degrees and a career. At school I was often set work on my own and put in the cloakroom to do it quietly. Not ideal, but if I enjoyed it, I did it. Autistic people are all different. She probably doesn’t know what she’s obsessed by yet. When she finds out she’ll follow her own path. Contrary to what RFK says ND people have careers, pay taxes and have relationships. Medical dad sounds ill informed and yet so black and white he may be on spectrum himself!

It depends on the circumstances really, is it an initial reaction based on grief that will settle down in a couple of days? It’s not uncommon for parents to have a period of ‘mourning’ that their child’s future isn’t what they envisioned. If it’s a deeply held and rooted belief that he doesn’t emerge from and shapes his interactions with his child that’s another thing entirely.

I think however it’s really unpleasant of you to take an intensely private situation and a snapshot of him possibly at his worst, most vulnerable moment. broadcast it online as representative of his entire worth - and of his wife to agree to it.

What an awful man, parent and doctor he is.
How terrible to value anyone especially your child like that.
And how terrible to think that anyway.
My DD2 has a diagnosis of autism, ADHD and severe anxiety. She is also predicted 3 A* and has just applied to Cambridge.
Oh and I am a dr and would be proud of anything she did because it has been so hars for her to get here