DP hit the roof over DD autism diagnosis

@Shitshowcentral did your friends husband ever come around and stop being an absolute wet wipe? I hope your friend and her DD have all the love and support they need and are doing amazingly.

I think it’s really important ( and should be in the OP) that the doctor is from Nigeria.

He needs to be educated, but in Nigeria these things either “ don’t exist”, or the children are abandoned or worse.

Albino people are seen as witch craft. People have their foreheads sliced in the name of exorcisms.

Parents get irate if a special need is suggested by teachers.

And yes that is awful, his reaction is awful, but that’s what he’s known. Most of us would react the same IF that was our cultural experience.

This doesn’t make his reaction ok, but it’s context and with that context hopefully his wife and him can find some support.

Well, as I said, it’s very prevalent amongst many many professions. Including healthcare professionals

What an appalling reaction. How is he going to treat his own child in the future. A parent's love and support should be a given.

Yes, in rural areas typical stims like flapping or spinning could get you basically tied to a tree your whole life.

Im sceptical this happened.

Fucking revolting man. Signed, an autistic doctor married to another autistic doctor

Witchcraft and demonic possession.

basically.

Not nieve at all.
Some kids are just the product of crap parenting but many are not.
I was just slightly taken aback that everyone is piling on to the DP about his attitude when no one picked up that his friend cohort have added to these feelings.

My DS was diagnosed at 3 but I knew long before that, I am a psychiatrist with plenty of experience of people on the spectrum. My DH (non medical) refused to accept it when I told him and we had a very bad time over that (big rows, him being very rude about my skills etc, because he really didn't want to believe it). I thought very seriously about walking away from him.

He later redeemed himself. After the formal diagnosis he fully accepted my judgement about what we should do. He gave up his career forever and stayed at home while we ran an intensive ABA programme at home and school, for 7 years. We nearly went bankrupt but he was steadfast in his commitment to the programme. So the initial response can be from shock/grief (which I experienced too but reacted to differently). I never remind DH about his terrible behaviour at the beginning.

Ironically he reaction suggests that actually he may also be on the spectrum…

Both mine are on the spectrum. Yes it came with challenges {significant for my DD] but they, and many other autistic young people we know, are all off to ‘good’ universities. In fact, as a PG student myself and having discussed this with tutors, we are all of the opinion that there is a higher incidence of ND people amongst both students and staff.

We also went through the disappointment of thinking our DD might not pull herself out of comorbid MH issues, get a job/go to uni and it was hard seeing friends kids head off at 18 (she has started this year at 20), but at no point did either of us respond the way this man has - mainly by casting blame.

That said, if this man doesn’t get his act together and apologise profusely for his reaction, I’d be showing him the door. The friend and her child will be better off without him in their lives. Children develop at different speeds and with support it sounds as though this child will continue at the least to keep up - as she is doing now - but may even flourish once she has matured and found out where her strengths lie.

Well, given that his DD has just been diagnosed and he’s had a very rigid reaction to it, I’d be looking a bit closer to home for the genetic component of her autism diagnosis… 👀

Honestly, OP, I would ignore the posts here that don’t acknowledge this man’s cultural background, and just focus on those from people like @Dannydevitoiloveyourart who has been really helpful. I guessed from your first post that this man would be Nigerian. That fact is hugely relevant to his attitude to this diagnosis, and responding to him without acknowledging where his fears (because his reaction is fear-based) come from will not help anyone.

If this reaction is out if character for him, I would wait for the dust to settle and see how he is to be honest.

Its within the realms of normality for someone to experince the stages of grieving when a child/ partner / parent / friend has been diagnosed with a life long illness (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance)

It would be a dealbreaker for me if he was saying this to dd's face, or if his attitude didn't improve, but if he has otherwise been a good and supportive dad and this was out of character I would encourage him to access autism family support groups.

I deal with uni admissions. Need to look these up. Thanks

They do a little bit of everything in it, modules of English, maths, science, cooking etc, then there were some electives dependent on what the kids want to do, I think our college had construction, childcare, health and social care and a couple of others.

No exams, they just have to have good attendance and pass the modules which allows them to apply for the college courses they want.

It was a long way around things, but it's been brilliant for my son.

I'm not sure about elsewhere in the country but all of the colleges in my area have this or something similar.

Thankyou. I hadn't heard of thay course. Is it like an access course?

You’re very naive if you think that doctors , police, judges, even teachers Don’t believe that it’s all a load of bollocks and that the kids are just crap broken with rubbish parents

I'd be more concerned about his doctor friends.
He may be reacting badly but he's actually saying that all his doctor friends think parents of children with autism are failures and that the children themselves are failures. That they'll see him as less worthy than them.
And it's not up to you to decide she should divorce him either - those opinions you should keep to yourself.

He sounds bloody awful and he shouldn't be a father or a doctor with those beliefs.

He does realise genetics play a part in this? His rigid thinking has me thinking maybe the apple hasnt fallen far from his tree 🤔

If my DH ever had said that about our DD (who has the same diagnosis, and with our support and learning good coping mechanisms has a law degree and masters) he'd have had a severe talking to. And be an exH!
Parents are meant to step up, encourage and support their DC as they develop and navigate life. It's in the job description. He's making his disappointment all about him! How will that make his DD feel?

Typical grief reactions (including anger) are well known to be common as parents come to terms with the child they have, rather than the one they imagined they would have. Attitudes to disability also vary a lot across the world.

Id let him have time to adjust his expectations and hopefully understand that he can be impressed and proud of her, just maybe for different things, or maybe she will do well academically in the end.

There's a bit more detail upthread but it was - future focus course at college at 16 - 1 year, course he wanted to do after passing future focus - 2 years, got accepted into uni after that and is now in year 2 of uni.

It was a longer route, but it was the right way, school just wasn't for him and he very likely wouldn't have went onto further education had he stayed in school.

I would agree with this but all of his issues seem to be how the diagnosis will reflect on him.