To have ended it over this?

Deceived? Belittled? It's just social media.

In 13 years DP has never asked to see my social media nor interrogated me about what I use (or don't use) it for. I've never offered to show him. It's of such minuscule importance in the grander scheme of the relationship. Maybe if he didn't trust me he'd ask? But then the relationship wouldn't exist in that case.

I would also say I don't have SM at all, because I don't really. I would be pretty pissed off if dp started demanding to see it as well because he didn't trust I was on there looking at local stuff occasionally.

I didnt do anything to make op feel like shit, I said if op has other suspicions about his behaviour then fair enough, if it's just this, then I do think it's daft.

It would feel like he doesn’t want to acknowledge the relationship publicly so yes I would be upset.

No, he said he didn’t have it at all and then refused to show her or share his profile/add her/connect it with hers when she found out he in fact did have it.

I wonder who he does have? Other friends, family? But not his girlfriend of 3 years?

He doubled down and refused to show her - if it was an empty unused profile why not just say “look, it’s got nothing to see I only use it to check this specific group.” ?

We always tell women to trust their instincts on here. Always. When a woman comes on and says her instincts told her she was being lied to, deceived and that she felt belittled, that she trusted her feelings and asked this man to leave her home. What? we make her feel shit and belittle her further?? I’m not having that.

I can see both sides. I don’t use or look at social media but I do have profiles. It would be pointless for me to add friends or family because I won’t see their posts and I see them in real life.
On the other hand, it’s a 2 second thing to accept a friend request and doesn’t actually affect anything. I had a boyfriend years ago who only added me after several years and was generally quite non committal and that hurt, but I wasn’t happy in the relationship anyway.

Ending things over this could be seen as a bit of an overreaction, but it’s clearly triggered something for you. Were you unhappy in the relationship? Lack of effort, or maybe some suspicion? Have you been cheated on previously?

So does he, he doesn't really use it.

Exactly this. You did the right thing op. He is 100% hiding something.

Reframe this. He walked out on his loving partner of 3 years whom he was happy with rather than show her his own instagram/facebook that he pretended all these years he didn’t actually have.

He’s very obviously hiding something.

you ended this over social media what age are you seriously are you sure you are ready for a grown up relationship

He is 100% hiding something.

Yeah I know a couple like this. They both had Twitter accounts but his feed was full of US politics and hers was knee-deep in the fanfic community. They would have both found it quite jarring to see each other's posts in the middle of the particular interest they were actually on it for.

I’m not connected with my husband on SM …I don’t follow any of my family (and they don’t follow me) on IG - we have a family WhatsApp for stuff we might want to share.

I don’t want my husband to see everything I post, it’s just daft stuff really.. things I’ve baked etc. he doesn’t post anything, just looks at stuff about his hobby.

I think it’s an odd thing to end a relationship over

Because when you connect to one person in your social circle, the algorithm suggests you to the people they're connected to. Then the friend requests, messages etc start to come in. Then you have to explain to all these people that you don't want to interact with anyone in your personal life on social media. Which is the problem you were trying to avoid in the first place.

The question is more... why would you ask? If your partner has a token account that they use for logistical reasons why would you feel any need to connect to it? What's the point?

The cost, I think, is time and expectation. When you’re connected on SM, you’re expected to read, react, contribute. It’s what it’s for. That’s the ‘contract’ you make with people you’re connected to.

I’ve left groups, and actually taken long breaks from entire platforms, because I didn’t feel that the time and attention I was putting in was worth it.

So the question, I’d say, isn’t ‘what’s the cost?’ It’s ‘what’s the benefit?’

I know people who just use Facebook for the local pages, they don't have any friends and they wouldn't connect with people on there. Nothing dodgy they just don't use social media but sometimes local groups know about stuff going on like roadworks etc.

But why not if asked ?

i dont use it much
i still want to connect
….why would you not - what is the cost ?

That's fine, but it is despite you asserting the opposite, "technically" a bit of a lie. A "white lie" maybe to spare people's feelings when you don't want to interact with them. It isn't a massive deal, but it is a little lie.

I don't lie about it. Just in case anyone reading thinks "I'm not on Facebook" is an unspoken code for "I'm on there, just not to socialise". It absolutely isn't.

It matters to me a bit, as if I start discussing politics or current events with someone, I like to know if they're likely to start spouting some crap they've heard on tiktok 😂.

My OH has an Instagram account simply to see our kid’s new business’s posts, cos they’re fun. Never posts there. Isn’t connected to me there. Has no real interest in Social Media. If I suggested we connect there, the response would be, ’Why? We see each other every day.’

Which is a perfectly valid point.

It’s not obligatory to be active on SM. And not suspicious to want to avoid connections there.

I suppose it’s possible there’s a sexting orgy going on, to which I have not been invited. But then the problem’s not Instagram, is it?

The point is that if you say you do use them, people naturally want to connect on them. Which is not what I use them for, nor do I want to.

I manage fine without using those sociak media platforms at all, but if I didn't, I'd just say so instead of pretending, but whatever

Definitely this. How much time do you spend together? Does he have time to have another relationship on the go?

It's moot as DP is even more of a social media refusenik than me. I would refuse to connect to him on his hypothetical Insta because I want to keep everything personal about me off that platform. I don't want to start popping up in his friends' suggested friends just because I've connected with him (which would have no purpose as I don't actually use it to follow anyone in my personal life).

For all I know he has similar accounts despite being a social media holdout when I met him. There are so many random things that having a social media account facilitates these days.

Argh quotation fail 😫

When i say "I am not on Facebook..." I mean I do not have an account.

I am not on the social media platforms like IG, Facebook or Tiktok. I do have Mumsnet obviously and youtube.

When I say, "I'm not on Facebook, IG or Tiktok, I mean I don't have an account". If I had an account but didn't connect with anyone on there, I'd just say that.

I think you are being misleading, intentionally or not, when you say you are "not on there" when you have an account. But that's your business and I understand why you'd do it. But would you refuse to connect with your longterm partner if they saw you using it, and with no explanation?

But it's not necessarily a lie. I've always said I'm not on Instagram even though I technically have an account because I don't actually use it, and I don't want to use it.

I also still have a FB account even though I haven't posted since the pandemic.

In both cases it's not really a social media platform for me, just something that makes life a bit easier every so often when I need to book a restaurant through one of them or someone occasionally sets up an event via FB (still! in 2025!). They're purely for logistics and work.