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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I just never quite fit in?

115 replies

PurpleGoldfish · 04/10/2025 20:39

For context, I think I'm a fairly average person. I have a couple of good friends, mostly scattered about the country now so don't see them often. I think I can make polite conversation OK, I'm relatively educated (not sure that matters), I'm not rude or abrasive or anything that I can tell. I'm certainly not fashionable, don't bother with makeup etc much, but I think I look sufficiently clean and tidy to not be actively off-putting.

I just never feel like a quite fit in, sometimes even around friends. I often feel like I don't have much in common with people, and usually feel like I'm just "faking" it during social interactions which I actually find exhausting. I would like to make new friends (I have made no Mum friends since having my DC) and I can see the school mums starting to form friendships and groups and I always feel a little on the outside looking in. I'm a bit lonely to be honest.

Does anyone else feel this way? Has anyone managed to overcome this feeling and find "their people"?? Am I doomed to be a relatively mateless loser for the rest of my days?

OP posts:
Schoolchoicesucks · 04/10/2025 23:39

Yes, this is me too. I can (mostly) handle the acquaintance thing. Then seem to look around and realise that everyone else seems to have moved on into "proper" friends. Happens at work, hobbies, school mums. I suspect DC2 is somewhere on the autism spectrum and that I may also be. Still flip-flopping between whether a diagnosis (for them) might be beneficial. Having this as a possibility has "allowed me" to observe the "standing on the edge" thing and not beat myself up about it quite so much. I do have friends and "friendly people" and people who are kind enough to let me tag along with them when needed. I could decide to force myself into more groups, but actually I don't think I want to do that (any more) enough. It takes all sorts. Look for kind inclusive people who will allow you to be included when you want. And be thankful for any small number of people who are on your team - partner, few friends, kids, parents.

SkaneTos · 04/10/2025 23:34

Do you have a spouse/partner/other half?

newrubylane · 04/10/2025 23:27

Yes. I do have a solid group of uni friends. But definitely as an adult I've really struggled to fit in, especially with larger female groups. I always feel like I'm faking it somehow. It's been a long time since I genuinely clicked with someone new, and I'm not sure why.

CurrentHun · 04/10/2025 23:20

I’m a bit like this. Good at befriending but bad at sustaining a friendship. It’s a bit out of sight out of mind with me. Easily distracted. Have a lot of ND family members so maybe that explains it.

Greenwitchart · 04/10/2025 23:17

I feel the same. I am an introvert and likely on the autism spectrum.

I find socialising completely exhausting and I always feel like anything I do or say always someone comes out wrong and never feels natural and feel self-conscious.

I can also feel that some people feel uncomfortable around me.

I was really bullied at school as a kid for being quiet/shy/odd.

As I get older I am more accepting of my differences and I simply don't socialise in loud/busy environments and groups and I am no longer trying to ''fit in''.

BurntBroccoli · 04/10/2025 23:14

Camembears · 04/10/2025 21:20

You do sound lovely OP and no you're not alone!

I can't think of any aspect of my life where I don't feel a bit misplaced iykwim apart from one, at home motherhood. From being a child at school, to every job I have had, to going out with friends, to the school run, to parents evenings, to some but not all mother and toddler groups. I feel that way around my siblings too, and even in my lifelong hobby where I'm one of the most established members!

I care much less now I'm heading for menopause but my happiest days, most comfortable days were being at home with my younger children. Now they're hitting adulthood and with older friends and partners, the old feeling like an intruder in my own home is creeping back in when they have friends round.

I strongly suspect I have ADHD or AuDHD.

I could have written this post!
Feel exactly the same - especially the bit about feeling a stranger in your own home!

KnickerlessParsons · 04/10/2025 23:13

I think we all think we don’t fit in, at least some of the time - don’t we?

CoolPlayer · 04/10/2025 23:10

I’ve always felt this way so you’re not alone.

VoltaireMittyDream · 04/10/2025 23:09

I also think anyone can fit in if they are genuinely interested in other people. A lot of people who feel socially alienated aren’t, when it comes down to it, interested in people. They’re primarily interested in things or facts or systems or concepts, and don’t feel an instinctive curiosity about others’ experience.

Calendulaaria · 04/10/2025 23:07

I'm the same. I felt like a disadvantage to my children in primary school, when you were supposed to make mum friends and have your children's friends invite them over and have them over to yours. I don't like visitors and find talking to people exhausting.

I am upbeat and laugh-y in public, but recently read about masking, and feel I do that. I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic family and haven't had a drink in 10 years. I am the scapegoat in my family and they all hate that I don't drink.

My children are now teenagers and understand I am an introvert who loves to be at home. I don't think I'll have many friends in my old age, but I have accepted it. I'm just different, I guess.

TelephoneWires · 04/10/2025 23:06

Lots of people feel like this I think. I do. Feel like I can chat to people in specific situations fine but making proper friends is so hard. And as people have said if you move on the friends all disappear once the reason to meet up isn’t there anymore. I agree with the niche hobbies suggestion and finding people like you - they are out there. And in the mean time listen to ‘everyone but me’ by Maddox Jones and feel less alone.

Hedgehogbrown · 04/10/2025 22:57

By the way, someone moving on and talking to someone else at a party is normal. There's no reason to take it personally. Just move on and find someone else to talk to, or do your own thing.

bumbaloo · 04/10/2025 22:57

PurpleGoldfish · 04/10/2025 20:46

That's really nice of you to say. I think "different" is exactly the word I should have used actually. I have occasionally wondered if I have ADHD (I was relatively high achieving at school but absolutely chronically disorganised and I still am) so maybe there's something in that. Nice to know I'm not alone.

Show quote history

You are me

I’ve found as I’ve got older I’ve found my tribe. We are all high functioning neurodivergent

VoltaireMittyDream · 04/10/2025 22:55

A lifelong feeling of not fitting in, and the related assumption that ‘everyone else’ is one big homogenous blob, is often a tell of neurodivergence IME.

Hedgehogbrown · 04/10/2025 22:54

Your post comes across as you being very concerned about what others think, even mentioning your appearance which is a bit crazy. Having spent a lot of time with Neurodivergent people, I can tell you that yes, most of the time it's obvious when someone is masking and trying to get people to like them. It makes me distance myself from them because they are hard work. I don't know how you can manage it, but when you realise that you aren't supposed to give a shit what people think, life will be so much easier for you.

cupfinalchaos · 04/10/2025 22:45

Fleaspray · 04/10/2025 20:47

I used to feel like this a lot then somewhere in my late 30’s/early 40’s I just stopped giving a shit and was just myself - quirks and odd habits and whatever. I was just authentic and me. I found that people I liked, liked me, and people I didn’t care about, well, I didn’t care! It was so liberating, highly recommend. I spent so much time when I was younger trying to be like everyone else when it’s just so much easier to be yourself.

Love this.. I’m finally finding the same.

TootToot2020 · 04/10/2025 22:30

THIS IS ME! …did I write this?

I am fairly average and likewise to all you have said; it is exhausting and in addition I seem to have developed a real downer on myself recently. I do wonder how others view me as I think I probably look fairly ‘normal’ and engaged with people but I feel exactly the same as you.

Sending you all the best in solidarity!

Original poster
PurpleGoldfish · 04/10/2025 22:13

Can't reply to everyone but just wanted to thank you all for your thoughtful posts, ideas and solidarity! Really nice to know I'm not alone and has given me stuff to think about.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleGoldfish · 04/10/2025 22:10

Cerialkiller · 04/10/2025 21:50

I could have written this. I always got on better with adults as a child, I thought my peers were all so vapid/petty (girls) aggressive and childish (boys) and I wasn't interested in any of it. I didn't want to standout though so I knew I needed friends to not be the 'weirdo' though so I tried and failed to be normal.

It's easier as I have aged, it's normal to not have a close knit group of friends so noone noticed that side although DH guest list was much longer at our wedding.

My success with making friends as an adult have always been through work or hobbies. It's easy to talk shop with people in my industry (design) so small talk is minimised.

I recommend starting a really niche hobby. I write fantasy and found my people in a specifically fantasy/scifi writing group. They are a quantum scientist, a polyglot multi-instramentalist, a doctor, writing a 20 book series and me, a floaty designer. They are all wonderfully weird, and once the self consciousness faded we get on like a house on fire.

I've been to more literary type groups who write about very serious subjects and they just looked at me blankly when I wrote a piece about the ompa loompas fight for freedom from the tyrannical insanity of Wonka. My new group would have appreciated my art!!

Find your people!

Love that you write fantasy! I also love fantasy but barely seen to have time to read these days.

That's a very specific writing group. Is it online, or are you in a big city or something? Well done for proactively finding your people.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleGoldfish · 04/10/2025 22:07

WallLight · 04/10/2025 21:59

Almost every single person who says on here that they don’t fit in, or that they struggle with friendship, or would like more friends, says the same kind of thing — I’m nice, I make polite conversation, I’m an average person, I’m not actively off-putting.

But no one befriends someone because they’re ‘average’ or make polite conversation, or aren’t actively off-putting, or do or don’t wear makeup — they are attracted to people who interest them, who are good company, who share their interests. Who are you really, OP? When you’re ‘faking’ it, what is it you think you are faking?

Interesting! This made me think. I definitely do have a personality aside from all the "but I'm perfectly inoffensive!" stuff. Perhaps I have just failed to find sufficient people with similar interests. Or maybe when I meet people with similar interests I feel like they will be more knowledgeable or whatever than I am and end up getting imposter syndrome, which is ridiculous really.

I've also been wrapped up in intensively parenting (SAHM) the last few years so maybe that's turned my brain to mush a bit?! Perhaps that's part of the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
PurpleGoldfish · 04/10/2025 22:01

GaladrielTheGrey · 04/10/2025 21:50

To add to a bit of a chorus here: I very much relate to what you say.
I've felt this way since school really.
Sometimes it feels pretty lonely.
The thing is though that I tend not to really want to fit in because I don't actually have much in common with most people or find them that interesting when I scratch below the surface. That makes me sound like an arrogant arsehole and perhaps I am but the older I get, the less interested I am in faking in order to fit in.
I've two things helpful - no idea if either would be any good as a strategy for you, but will share just in case. First, I tend to focus more on hobbies and spending time with people through those than trying to just get to know people socially in general. That way at least we can talk about the shared interest and we are actually doing stuff together. The other is that I've put less effort into trying to ease conversations along. I used to do fake laughing and smiling and to say what I thought people wanted to hear in the hopes of fitting in but I just couldn't sustain it and probably came across as fake anyway. Now if I find someone's conversation tedious or don't agree with them, I'm not necessarily a dick about it but I just don't bother to feed the conversation. It's about stopping worrying about rejection from people who I don't actually want to connect with.
And yes, I know my views are probably too negative and I know that people can surprise you, and that most people have cool stuff about them when you get beneath the surgacd. It's not that I don't like people. I just don't want to have to pretend anymore.

Edited

I'm going to try to channel this a bit more, thank you for your thoughtful post.

I think it maybe is less about a genuine desire to fit in with people I don't have much in common with, than a feeling that I SHOULD try too, particularly for the sake of my DC. I don't want them to be left out of stuff because I suck at making mum friends. My village is also extremely sociable with loads of fun events but the thought of attending just fills me with dread.

I was a shy little kid but actually had plenty of friends and a lovely group at secondary school. It all just seemed to start unravelling after that.

OP posts:
Btowngirl · 04/10/2025 22:01

This is so relatable. No advice OP sorry, just solidarity that you aren’t on your own! I make work friends really easily but can’t seem to ever make proper friends, however DP did say to me not long ago that I drop people when I move jobs?! Which really shocked me to be honest. I think maybe I feel like an outsider so I never believe people want to be friends with me other than due to circumstance, meaning i just move on when I no longer work with them.

WallLight · 04/10/2025 21:59

Almost every single person who says on here that they don’t fit in, or that they struggle with friendship, or would like more friends, says the same kind of thing — I’m nice, I make polite conversation, I’m an average person, I’m not actively off-putting.

But no one befriends someone because they’re ‘average’ or make polite conversation, or aren’t actively off-putting, or do or don’t wear makeup — they are attracted to people who interest them, who are good company, who share their interests. Who are you really, OP? When you’re ‘faking’ it, what is it you think you are faking?

Ceebs85 · 04/10/2025 21:55

Yes, I feel exactly the same. I suspect I'm neurodivergent also but the thought of asking for an assessment fills me with dread

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