To feel like I just never quite fit in?

I absolutely hear you...

Yes I notice this too. The polite people I might make conversation with but my friends are people who are funny, self depreciating, real, dark humoured, affectionate etc.

I very much feel the same. I think it’s because I really do have an unusual mix of interests/tastes that usually oppose each other and I’m not what people expect.

I think it doesn’t help that I don’t really follow any popular shows or anything like that, so I don’t have much in common to chitchat with most people.

I make schoolgate friends well enough but have literally nobody who would text me to go for a coffee with them.

I don't fit in but I am not 'faking' either.
Hope you feel more comfy in own skin soon, OP.

I feel this way too. I have no family around. I struggle to connect. Friend live far away. I have a husband but I’ve realised he’s narcissistic and I’m trying to wrap my head around that. Other parents are drawn to his charisma but he is totally different at home. Meanwhile it’s like I’m just outside looking in. So yes I can relate. I don’t know how to change my relationship with other mums too.

Maybe you head towards the same type for friends? Sometime the group you are choosing aren’t your people.

Theres a reason people stick together -

But I agree with PP I also forced myself to make friends be part of the crowd but never fitted in with the culture.

I hit 40 ish and decided I didn’t care enough to make the effort - small group of friends, none are the trendy type the old group still out every weekend and away for weekends - I don’t have the energy!!

Even work parties I can’t be arsed with!! Team lunches, no thanks!!

Let them go and enjoy themselves I rather read my book or be home with family.

Yes this is me, but I’m diagnosed ASD and ADHD. I have friends that I’ve had for years, but I really struggle to make new friends and fit in, or talk to others at an event unless I’ve got a friend there to take the lead. I don’t fit in with the school mums at all, have no idea what to say to them and spend the whole time thinking I just sound stupid. As a child I’d in a new setting like holiday camps I’d just hang around with the adults rather then attempt to make friends with the other children.

I can only answer for myself but when I was younger my motivation was to fit in because I didn't want to feel awkward. Alcohol helped but sometimes it got to much trying to be social. I had a friend group at uni who thought I was crazy when I said I preferred staying in with a book and not go to the New years party they organised 😅.

Later on it was to help my children with their social skills (1 autistic). I do find it very easy to be social with children ; they are authentic and innocent and quite funny and I do got a strong maternal instinct (not just for my dc but for all children). I think some mum friends thought I was ott organising games etc but I actually prefered spending time with their dc to spending time with them (with a few exceptions).

Well what do you enjoy - I realised that getting together for a chat wasn’t for me, discussing a topic yes,but general chitchatting no. I do enjoy small groups doing craft work/painting so you are doing something but with the odd bit of chat. I enjoy outdoors so walk a few miles with a neighbour regularly. Birdwatching occasionally. Etc You can go anywhere on your own with walking boots and a backpack or a camera without looking out of place.
Dont do what you think you should enjoy do what you actually enjoy

Not in my case. I am genuinly interested in people. Just not interested in conversations about clothes/looks/gossip etc which kind of narrows it down unfortunately.

One thing I never understand is - for people who find socialising draining and exhausting and painful, why make yourself do it? What is there to be gained? You say you don’t want to be isolated, but is being isolated worse than being around groups of people when you don’t actually like it?.

The thing is though that when things click and it goes well because you meet another kindred spirit or because you are just in the right frame of mind or whatever then it feels great and you want more of it - even if in small doses. But so often it doesn’t go like that. It is always hoping for something that feels unreachable and something that everyone else seems to love.

I love this from @Limon87 It’s been a godsend knowing, I’ve found peace avoiding big groups and just thriving with the 1:1 friendships I really click with. I love it!

There are people like us out there - look at this thread. It’s meeting them and being brave enough to kindle the 1:1 friendship. I am often too scared that people will think I am assuming we are more friendly than they think we are.

Felt the exact same way my entire life. Became a mum three years ago and the lack of sleep postpartum and hormones exasperated it all. So I got an adhd assessment at 37 and it was very clear I have it.

It’s been a godsend knowing, I’ve found peace avoiding big groups and just thriving with the 1:1 friendships I really click with. I love it!

I’ve also managed to detach from work challenges with culture, not worry so much and thrive at work.

What I will say is you probably are far more normal the you realise. Even neurotypical people have their doubts about fitting in.

If you have just two to three 1:1 friendships you click with then honestly don’t worry about fitting in and harness the people you do feel close with.

I have for another song for us all -‘Why am I like this’ by Orla Gartland.

In terms of self diagnosis of ND being a luxury, well if it helps us understand ourselves better and cut ourselves some slack then what harm is it doing? Embrace the special interests, accept the need to decompress from social pressure, use the stims to reduce the overwhelm, avoid the sensory overload without guilt Why not?

One thing I never understand is - for people who find socialising draining and exhausting and painful, why make yourself do it? What is there to be gained? You say you don’t want to be isolated, but is being isolated worse than being around groups of people when you don’t actually like it?

When I’m hosting an event, I’d far rather people just stayed home than force themselves to turn up, and exhaust themselves with the effort of pretending to enjoy my company and conversation 😕

If this has been the case since childhood and has adversely and significantly impacted your life in a detrimental and disabling way, reduced your opportunities, impacts your self esteem, possibly even how you cope during or after work then go get that assessment.

People judge you either way, but you're your own worst critic so setting the record straight starts with yourself. Don't let other peoples silly little opinions rule whether or not you get to know yourself better.

I feel very similar to this, i have very few friends that I feel comfortable enough to even have a conversation with in person, I avoid any type of social events as I feel like I don't fit in and I worry what people think of me, I even replay conversations in my head all night after talking to someone. I've always been like this and it's this reason, amongst other reasons why I think I have autism and/or adhd, But I'm too worried about being judged and that it's all in my head to go for a diagnosis.

Same. High five!

I feel the same way . Whatever group I am in, I always feel that I don’t fit in . I used to think that it was everyone else’s fault but now I’m 61 and I realize it’s me! I have one or two close friends but that’s it . Many people have said that I’m hard to know - I don’t think I am, I just only feel comfortable opening up to people I trust !

I’ve been like this my whole life. I do suspect undiagnosed autism but I’m not bothered about going down that route as it won’t make a difference to me.

The faking it part really resonates. As I’ve gotten older I’ve become more aware of how to behave in social situations and during conversations but I do find it draining, and still never seem to fit in. I do force myself more now I’m older to go out and do things when invited. In my 20s I didn’t and did become very isolated so trying not to go back to that.

I can relate to this so much, OP. It's horrible feeling like you never quite fit in. My biggest upset is not having any couple friends with DH. I've tried so hard over the years but it's not happened for us. It's left me feeling like a failure compared to my parents and siblings who have always had shared friends they enjoy spending time with. I have been wondering if I'm ND in some way, for various reasons.

Echoing PP's..... yes but I'm autistic and I have adhd

The faking it socialising and being exhausted afterwards sounds like masking

I think most neurodivergent people feel like this.

I think kind of know what you mean - those who have reached well into their adulthood, managed to establish careers, relationships, escape fairly lightly from childhood bullying, picked up some friends along the way.

It's clearly a world away from someone who isn't able to communicate, stay in mainstream school, achieve qualifications, live independently etc.

But I don't think that means it's not valid.

I hope so. 😁