Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being estranged from your family should be seen as mature, not shameful?

40 replies

AlertHazelScroller · 04/10/2025 18:30

Sometimes, cutting off people is growth, not dysfunction. We just don’t like people who don’t conform.

OP posts:
Tonty · 04/10/2025 18:51

@steff13 That's a shame but just what i thought people might think, 'its a you problem, not them'. It's what can happen in toxic families. One parent takes against a dc for yrs and other siblings are manipulated to shun the disliked sibling for not conforming to some ideal. Very sad to then be judged for the lack of contact that they never desired in the first place, infact the reverse is the truth.

Tigerthatcametobrunch · 04/10/2025 18:50

Alright Meghan! What's the weather like in California?

XelaM · 04/10/2025 18:48

The people I know with no contact to their families all have issues

Newbutoldfather · 04/10/2025 18:48

Sometimes it is, but usually it isn’t.

It should be a last resort after every attempt at compromise has failed, not something to celebrate or gloat about.

Bluevelvetsofa · 04/10/2025 18:48

Every circumstance is different and complex and it’s too simplistic to describe it in blunt terms.

Utterlyexhausted · 04/10/2025 18:47

Tonty · 04/10/2025 18:36

Hmm..it's always about cutting family off but what if family was the one who cut you off? done in order to traumatise & isolate but suddenly you realise, life is good without them, you've finally found peace. Where does that person stand?

I agree. You’re not alone @Tonty xx

Original poster
AlertHazelScroller · 04/10/2025 18:43

Tonty · 04/10/2025 18:36

Hmm..it's always about cutting family off but what if family was the one who cut you off? done in order to traumatise & isolate but suddenly you realise, life is good without them, you've finally found peace. Where does that person stand?

That person stands exactly where you said, in peace. And I think that deserves just as much respect.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlertHazelScroller · 04/10/2025 18:41

MousseMousse · 04/10/2025 18:35

I don't see it as shameful, I feel its weird that anyone would but mature is an odd way of looking at it.

While people who do the the step to go no contact can be making a mature decision it's not the only reason.

Not sure why you're giving it so much headspace? It doesn't matter what other people think and being OK with the assumptions of strangers is maturity

You’re right that going no contact can stem from different places, not always maturity. But I do think we still have a cultural tendency to view estrangement as suspect or sad, rather than something that can come after a lot of reflection and self-protection. It shouldn’t matter what people think but in practice, judgement and stigma around estrangement do affect people - socially, at work, even in how support services respond.

OP posts:
Kidsgotothatschool · 04/10/2025 18:41

I’ve known too many stupid estrangement stories to always see it as ‘maturity and growth’.

DiscoBob · 04/10/2025 18:38

I wouldn't judge someone if they said they didn't speak to certain family. I would know there had to be a very good reason.

I guess if it was very one sided and your entire family had decided to shun you because of your appalling behaviour, then that could reflect badly on someone.

But I would assume there was a fall out that couldn't be rectified and it was mutually beneficial to no longer communicate. And that it wasn't really my business.

I'm interested in my friend, not their random family members I've never met or spoken to.

steff13 · 04/10/2025 18:38

Well I would imagine that it would depend upon the reason for the estrangement. I started seeing a man once who was estranged from his parents and his siblings, which I thought was fair enough, and I never asked him why they were estranged because it really wasn't my business. But then it transpired that he was also estranged from his own children, some of whom were still minors. And I started to think that it was a "him" problem not of "them" problem. It wasn't the reason we stopped seeing each other, but it gave me pause.

Tonty · 04/10/2025 18:36

Hmm..it's always about cutting family off but what if family was the one who cut you off? done in order to traumatise & isolate but suddenly you realise, life is good without them, you've finally found peace. Where does that person stand?

MousseMousse · 04/10/2025 18:35

I don't see it as shameful, I feel its weird that anyone would but mature is an odd way of looking at it.

While people who do the the step to go no contact can be making a mature decision it's not the only reason.

Not sure why you're giving it so much headspace? It doesn't matter what other people think and being OK with the assumptions of strangers is maturity

Bettyandthebunion · 04/10/2025 18:34

These are like sound bites that you keep posting

neveradmit17 · 04/10/2025 18:32

As another who is estranged from some of my family, I wouldn't worry about how it is 'seen' by others. Just live the best life you can.