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Original poster

AIBU to think this was an inappropriate use of benefits/child maintenance?

90 replies

ForRareKoala · 04/10/2025 18:09

My mother lived on benefits/child maintenance from high income ex from age 0-13 while I was a child and from what I can gather was receiving about £2.5k a month total (I calculated this just now though it was probably even more in the past). We lived in a paid off house bought by my father so no mortgage.

Despite this there was never enough heating, not enough food so we were underweight (not drastically, but noticeable enough for regular comments) and I didn't notice it but my sister pointed out we both had far worse clothes than most people.

I think most the money went into her private pension which allowed her to retire very early and on (admittedly small) luxuries for herself. Even just little things such as her having a deep bath everyday while we had a short shower every other day kind of sucked.

I've spoke about this with my aunt (closest relative) who says the money "wasn't just for us", but AIBU to think that with this this much coming in we should have had a childhood where we didn't have to worry about the absolute basics?

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 04/10/2025 19:44

Think you have got the numbers wrong and your aunt is a stirer.

JLou08 · 04/10/2025 19:37

I don't think the amount if child maintenance matters. You were neglected and that wasn't acceptable. There are many parents who struggle to make ends meet but they still ensure their child is appropriately fed and clothed. Your father also failed you, throwing money at your mum doesn't absolve him of ensuring his children are taken care of.

CinnamonBuns67 · 04/10/2025 19:35

Yanbu. She was neglectful. Child maintenance is to make sure the childs needs are provided for not the receiving parents in your case your mother. Your needs was not provided for and she banked it for her own needs. I had a similarly selfish mother. No expenses spared for her and her boyfriends needs amd wants but us kids had cheapest everything (yes my mum got alot in child maintenance with her ex paying the mortgage of a house she was living in with us and her boyfriend and neither her or her boyfriend worked).

cadburyegg · 04/10/2025 19:35

As others have said, child maintenance used to affect benefits. It changed because this system meant NRPs could stop paying and the family could be left struggling for months until the income was recalculated.

It sounds like your upbringing wasn’t ideal but I’m guessing living with the alcoholic father would have been worse. Easy for him to turn things around now his kids are older I guess. Being a single parent is extremely hard work and it’s hard to budget when you are in constant overwhelm. But there isn’t an excuse for neglect

Hankunamatata · 04/10/2025 19:35

Doesnt matter how much she received.

Dod you feel loved?

Did you have enough to eat or did you always want more food and wasn't allowed it?

Was the house always cold?

Did you have cleaned clothes?

youalright · 04/10/2025 19:31

Was you actually missing meals and hungry. Are you remembering right because I was like a little stick figure as a kid and so are my kids and we all ate plenty its just in the genes.

Emori · 04/10/2025 19:28

Oh and the maximum you can put into a pension now if you have no income is £2880 a year. I don't know what it was back then but it would have been less than that, possibly even half. So your mum wouldn't have been putting much by. When she was working, any pension contributions she made from her wage would still have counted as income, with a 55% taper and tax credits reduced accordingly. It's only universal credit that disregards completely money paid into a pension, and your mum never claimed that.

Implodingyourmirage · 04/10/2025 19:27

It does sound like she neglected to care for you properly, sadly some parents prioritise themselves. I'll be honest and say that I was probably neglected in some ways too, it certainly opened my eyes when I realised home more normal and loving families functioned.

FuzzyWolf · 04/10/2025 19:25

RedSkyatNight25 · 04/10/2025 19:11

CMS does not count towards income for benefits.

Show quote history

It definitely used to. If the OP is now an adult, the calculation and what was counted has drastically changed.

Emori · 04/10/2025 19:22

Child maintenance doesn't count now but it did back then, for income support, working tax credits, childcare element of child tax credit, housing benefit and for council tax support. All were reduced by child maintenance.

As a pp said it even counted when the non resident parent failed to pay it. The amount he should have paid was deducted, whether he paid it or not.

So your sums are completely wrong OP.

I wonder why you're mulling this over now. It sounds like it was a tough time for you all. I hope you're ok.

PiggieWig · 04/10/2025 19:18

How long ago was this because the benefits system has changed a lot for single parents. When my kids were small, maintenance was counted as income for benefits purposes- it changed around 2010.

Universal Credit won’t have been around then either so if you are using a modern day calculator to estimate this your numbers could be a long way out.

Even so, she should have let you shower daily.

Praying4Peace · 04/10/2025 19:15

InTheMountainsThere · 04/10/2025 18:38

Then it's possible that whoever has told you that your mother had these specific sums from these specific sources is trying to wond you up/ stir up trouble. You very specifically state how much universal credit she received, but universal credit didn't come in until 2013, and you're talking about the period between 1997 and 2010/11.

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There is some confusion in your posts OP, something is missing

RedSkyatNight25 · 04/10/2025 19:13

There’s no excuse for your kids being hungry - not least if you’re well off.

nomas · 04/10/2025 19:12

What a selfish and neglectful twat.

It pisses me off that she gets to retire early on the tax person’s dime.

Neglect her like she neglected you.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 04/10/2025 19:12

ForRareKoala · 04/10/2025 18:24

As far as I can tell, child maintenance doesn't affect benefits entitlement. Maybe this is wrong but lots of websites seem to say the same thing

State pension or by getting a job?

Show quote history

It did in the past

RedSkyatNight25 · 04/10/2025 19:11

FuzzyWolf · 04/10/2025 18:17

How did she still receive benefits with that income? Are you sure none of it was spousal support?

Yes the lack of food was neglect. Lack of heating is subjective, as are clothes (as long as they fit and are clean, they don’t need to be new).

So your mum didn’t have a job and had two children to look after, so how was she supposed to have a pension?

CMS does not count towards income for benefits.

OriginalUsername2 · 04/10/2025 19:10

It sounds bad but I wouldn’t be so quick to judge your mum as lesser than your dad. Maybe your dad absolutely broke your mum and she never recovered, while he ended up fine. Just a possibility. Your version of her life will be a snapshot.

sunshine244 · 04/10/2025 19:09

If they weren't married, he bought the house and they were only together a short time it doesn't make sense that she got the house. Perhaps she paid him rent, or he paid for the house in lieu of maintenence.

FuzzyWolf · 04/10/2025 19:05

ForRareKoala · 04/10/2025 19:02

That is just the value I got from the turn2uscalculator and government website. It won't have been spousal maintenance because they were never married.

I believe he largely paid for it with his own savings, they were only in it together for a couple of years before they split.

He was definitely the worse parent when we were young and left when I was a toddler.

Show quote history

He might have still been expected to pay something to support her future.

Government websites won’t be correct for how things were in the past as it was all calculated very differently. Even the CM formula was a complicated one before the more straightforward 20% for two children came in.

arethereanyleftatall · 04/10/2025 19:04

Ok, then again not excusing spending on herself and not on you, I expect part of her felt ‘owed’ his money after he shafted her so so badly when you were both tiny.

Original poster
ForRareKoala · 04/10/2025 19:04

arethereanyleftatall · 04/10/2025 19:01

I say this without excusing the fact that your mother sounds awful…parenting is hard work, parenting young children solo whilst the other parent drinks themselves silly every night, and helps not at all, is going to turn most single parents very very bitter.

I understand where you're coming from. She was definitely the better parent when we were very young.

OP posts:
Original poster
ForRareKoala · 04/10/2025 19:02

arethereanyleftatall · 04/10/2025 18:55

I’m not saying you weren’t neglected, but lots of your info seems skewed against her. That amount sounds like a combination of spousal maintenance and child maintenance, spousal maintenance does affect benefits. Also ‘the house my father paid the mortgage of’ - well no, whilst they were together it was a joint contribution. Also so much maintenance suggests she did nearly all the parenting? And he left when you were babies? There seems to be quite a lot missing from your op which suggests your father isn’t exactly parent of the year either.

That is just the value I got from the turn2uscalculator and government website. It won't have been spousal maintenance because they were never married.

I believe he largely paid for it with his own savings, they were only in it together for a couple of years before they split.

He was definitely the worse parent when we were young and left when I was a toddler.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 04/10/2025 19:01

I say this without excusing the fact that your mother sounds awful…parenting is hard work, parenting young children solo whilst the other parent drinks themselves silly every night, and helps not at all, is going to turn most single parents very very bitter.

Original poster
ForRareKoala · 04/10/2025 18:58

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 04/10/2025 18:49

What are you trying to achieve with this thread? We only have your version of events and you were a child. I find it highly unlikely that your parents detailed to a young child exactly how much money they received, spent, earned, etc. And you have admitted you don’t know the full facts. And you clearly don’t understand how benefits were calculated back then, as others have pointed out.

But if your mother was a single parent and not working (because she was raising young children), how did you expect her to save for her old age? Do you begrudge her the money so that she can pay her bills? Are you looking for a refund from her because you don’t feel she spent enough on you and because she - heaven forbid - took long baths? Did your father not have anything to do with you (aside from sending money)? Because if he didn’t, he’s the real villain here, not your mother.

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I just wanted to hear what people have to say since I suspect my aunt is biased towards my mum. I don't know exactly how benefits worked back then I did think they were meant to be more generous and when I went on the calculators now they gave fairly insane figures.

Neither of them were any good but my father at least turned it around in later years whereas mother was bad until the end. But depending on how much she got I absolutely judge her because I would never do this myself.

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 04/10/2025 18:57

ForRareKoala · 04/10/2025 18:24

As far as I can tell, child maintenance doesn't affect benefits entitlement. Maybe this is wrong but lots of websites seem to say the same thing

State pension or by getting a job?

Show quote history

It depends upon your age. Assuming you are now an adult, UC wasn’t around and if you are over 20 then CM would have impacted benefits in general.

In order to spend 13 years bringing up children, she would have gone without anything going into a state pension so a private pension would have been necessary or else she’d be looking at retiring with an incomplete state pension.