AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

I think it depends WHY you are encouraging him to do that.

Also, can't he apply for both Oxford and Cambridge, or does it need to be one or the other?

I may be wrong (good to confirm this) but I think Oxbridge try to discourage term time working. If worried about finances could he either work for a gap year, or work now and save?

The other thing is, if you encourage him to apply to Oxford not Cambridge, and there is more of a chance he'll get in to Cambridge, that could go wrong and may be regrettable.

....and it can be pricey but its what you do for your kids. Its expected that parents financially support their kids through Uni. Let him go wherever he wishes and have a proper Uni experience.

Yes. We're supporting them at Uni and they have well topped up CTF savings as a house deposit. This is normal. We knew we had this responsbiliy for them from before they were conceived, and we budgeted, saved and made financial decisions accordingly. Of course we made sacrifices for that to happen, but we've had 18 years to plan for this. It didn't come as a surprise!

Those families on lesser incomes don’t put their kids through university AND THEN give them a house deposit on top for when they finish. Those kids from lesser income tend to rent for many many many years or move back home after university.
Some parents see house deposits as a far better investment for their kids futures. So instead of topping up maintenance loans, those parents would rather encourage their kids to commute to the local universities and then give them a lump sum to buy their first property for when they get a full time job after.

What do you expect your son to do when he forms a relationship or meets someone he fancies (hardly unheard of for a student)? Have them join him on the hour commute home and have to meet parents, before they go to bed together? Your son is growing up and needs independence from parents.

Once again you don't know everyone's circumstances and finances.

We don’t know what financial commitments OP has though. Perhaps there are multiple siblings, or funding DS will cause debt; maybe their mortgage has just gone up? In theory, it would make sense to fund the boy at a university of his choice, but for what ever reason, OP isn’t keen.

Families on substantially less income manage it, and presumably she is currently feeding and funding her son whilst he is at school. I’m sorry, but I do think if higher earners cannot afford to support their children through HE, they must have over-committed their income elsewhere, be that a large mortgage or a larger than average family. If they just don’t want to, then they are choosing to make things harder for their child than children from other families.

Maybe the OP will end up in debt if she tops up? Maybe she wants to help Ds with a house deposit after uni
and sees that as a better use of money?

You can, depending on where you pick

No - sorry I was talking only about Oxbridge. I was replying to a comment about how Oxford saying students had to stay actually in Oxford was unfair

Your son will need a serious adult conversation. Of course he wants to move out, that's part of uni. Let him do that and tell him he will need a job whilst at uni to support his living costs needs and to supplement his student loans. If he says he can't work doe to timetable commitment then he will need a well paid job for during holidays so that he can save money for term time.

If he isn't already competent in cooking, teach him to cook about 5 low cost meals and buy him a student cookbook. Teach him how to use washing machine and iron. He will need the latter if he has a part-time job that requires he look smart

Support his dreams and wishes and let him shoulder his share of the financial consequences. That's the joy of being an adult

The requirement for a parental top up of the loan is not new and yet it still catches parents out. DS1 went to Uni in 2021 and DS2 in 2025.

Money Saving Expert has covered this topic in detail for years so I started to save in advance. I do have a high income but I am a planner so I generally prefer to squirrel away smaller amounts over a longer period.

OP if your DS is Yr12 you have 23 months before his first rent payment is due (DS2’s first instalment for halls doesn’t go until this month). Could you start saving now? Effectively you would be spreading the cost over 5 years not 3.

Which is why we Londonders had DC go to uni in London.

I think you need to sit down and work out what you can afford to contribute to your son. If due to your household income he only gets the minimum maintenance loan then it isnt said but parents are expected to make up the shortfall. In addition to this the cost of living has gone up far faster than the maintenance loans have so there is a shortfall there as well.
If you can't afford to make up the shortfall then you need to discuss with him how to make up the money. Does he get a job, defer for a year to work and save up, or alternatively study locally, live out for the first year and then commute?
You really need to have this conversation before applying.

Im a single parent income and about half your income and I still need to make contributions to top up the maintenance. Ive had to sit my son down and explain that I can't make up the shortfall fully so he is going to have to get a job.

So I suppose you are putting your children through university AND giving them a house deposit? Congratulations on this gigantic financial sacrifice. You must feel very proud.
My poor poor disadvantaged children for only getting a house deposit after uni, how will they ever cope in life…

There are so many hypotheticals here. It sounds as though many of you think a place at Oxford or Cambridge is a given. They make offers to around 1 in 8 applicants for engineering.

What will the OP suggest he also puts on his UCAS form? If she is insistent that he commutes locally that probably means Reading, Brookes and possibly Coventry and Warwick if they live in the other direction.

DS is 16 and a couple of weeks ago was undecided between engineering & medicine. He was arguing with OP over being made to continue learning Spanish on top of doing 4 A levels and getting detentions in school.

I doubt if either the OP or her DS has a clue at this stage and she thinks he can stroll along to any university & pick up an offer for whatever he fancies.

If you ‘persuade’ him to stay at home he’ll probably drop out. You have to let him do what he wants to do.

Yes, no maintenance grant here either over 30 years ago. Having to take out a loan for the fees is hard on the student, but in terms of what parents are expected to top up, the addition of fees hasn't changed things. What has changed things is the massive increase in housing costs and the failure of student finance to keep up with it. I don't disagree that it's hard. But with £90K a year parental income and summer work from her DS, it really seems that OP should be able to make things work. And I certainly wouldn't be looking to London if living expenses were an issue.

When my husband was in the sixth form, he lived about an hour away from Cambridge.

One of his tutors who knew his family quite well told him that if he applied to Cambridge, one way or another he would see his parents practically every weekend. Whereas if he applied to Oxford it would be once a term at most.

He went to Oxford and never regretted it!

To be honest, you sound a bit like my husband's parents. Let your son go and have an independent life and transition into adulthood in the best possible way.

🤣🤣🤣. Not sure if you have been to uni or when but when I went to uni (in the 2000s) parties didn’t die out… ever 🤣. Don’t make him choose a uni close to home. Let him do what he wants. I wouldn’t say my best years were at uni but certainly the ones I felt more free. I loved every minute of it. You have to let him choose.

@Flossflower The university running costs were paid by the government from taxation. So the bin man contributed to the education of a philosophy graduate. That became increasingly difficult when the university sector became enormous from 1992 onwards so loans for funding purposes came in. Grads got better jobs so they paid.

DH had some money from grants and awards in the early 70s. His parents had to pay some. Not that they always did! Both were working so did have to make a contribution.

Nope, they'd get minimum loans, as your children would have done in 2020. Well done for screwing your kids over. Not really the standard most parents aspire to.

Not sure if it would apply now but back around 2000 when 2 of ours went to uni, we did this. When we got the loan application form, on the parental income section we wrote across it in block caps “ we decline to give this information, our child is 18 now and it is his /her choice to go to uni, not ours” or words to that effect. They both got full loans, no questions asked, which we then topped up as appropriate. Might not work now, I don’t know.

Disadvantage your child if you wish. It's not the aim for most parents.