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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

616 replies

SassyBear2 · 03/10/2025 21:55

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

OP posts:
Libellousness · 03/10/2025 22:03

SassyBear2 · 03/10/2025 21:55

My son is very academically capable and wants to study Electrical Engineering. From what he’s researched, Cambridge is better for engineering than Oxford because it’s more hands-on and practical, and the acceptance rate is slightly higher.

Despite this, we’ve been encouraging him to apply to Oxford. We live about an hour away by car, and if he went there he could commute from home, which would reduce how much we need to fund his uni life.

He says he wants to move out for uni because he wants to "experience proper student life" and he believes uni accommodation is an important aspect of that.

We’re also suggesting he look at London unis instead of other options like Warwick, because they’re only about an hour away if there’s no traffic.

AIBU for pressuring him a bit to apply to local unis rather than slightly better ones further away? Is an hour commute really far uni? Also do most students move out for uni or do they stay at home?

The idea that he’d have time to commute 2 hours each day while studying at Oxford is for the birds. Their terms are 8 weeks long and incredibly intense. You are being ridiculous and limiting your child’s life chances. This isn’t about you.

Nopayrise · 03/10/2025 22:03

Oxford and no doubt Cambridge literally don’t allow you to live away from the city unless you have seriously exceptional circumstances (e.g. terminally ill family member)

TeaAndBrie · 03/10/2025 22:02

SassyBear2 · 03/10/2025 22:00

All students are eligible for a student loan however DS will only receive a small living expenses loan. The living expense loan my DS will receive is based on my and DH combined income. The threshold is quite low and so DS will receive a low living expenses loan.

Show quote history

He will have a long summer next year so can work to earn extra living money.
student bank accounts like Nationwide give you a £1000 interest free overdraft which increases e dry year.

N4ish · 03/10/2025 22:02

There’s a high chance he’ll resent you later on in life if you push him to accept a university based on closeness to home. Step back and allow him to choose based on which course and which university is best for him.

MassiveTit · 03/10/2025 22:02

Check the regs. When I was at Oxford in the 2000s, you weren't allowed to live more than a mile from Carfax Tower so he might have to live in anyway.

BriefEncountersOfTheThirdKind · 03/10/2025 22:02

If Cambridge is better for his course then why on earth are you trying to scupper his future?

I stayed home for uni - it had its advantages in terms of funds etc but I also felt like I missed out on a lot

cariadlet · 03/10/2025 22:02

Living away from home, experiencing independence, living the student life is one of the best things about being a student.

Parents should be there for our student offspring if they have difficult times and need us but it's very important to let them spread their wings.

youmustbeshittingme · 03/10/2025 22:01

SassyBear2 · 03/10/2025 22:00

All students are eligible for a student loan however DS will only receive a small living expenses loan. The living expense loan my DS will receive is based on my and DH combined income. The threshold is quite low and so DS will receive a low living expenses loan.

Show quote history

So you make up the difference. That’s how it works.

youmustbeshittingme · 03/10/2025 22:00

Personally I think if he wants to move away then it would be unfair to push him to stay at home, He’s not going to want to spend 2 hours a day commuting and it sounds like a miserable student life.

It’s not just about the study and I think you’re being unfair.

But, if him going away for uni is going to put too much financial pressure on you then you all need to think about how that can be managed. Can he/you start saving now?

Octavia64 · 03/10/2025 22:00

Yabu.

let him go to uni.

Original poster
SassyBear2 · 03/10/2025 22:00

DarkForces · 03/10/2025 21:57

Moving out to go to uni is normal. Theres loans and grants available depending on your income. I met my now dh in uni. We never moved home.

All students are eligible for a student loan however DS will only receive a small living expenses loan. The living expense loan my DS will receive is based on my and DH combined income. The threshold is quite low and so DS will receive a low living expenses loan.

OP posts:
TeaAndBrie · 03/10/2025 21:59

You are being massively unreasonable.
this isn’t about you and what you want.
support him to make the best decision for him or he will resent you for it.
i say this as a parent of a DD who is two weeks into uni, 6 hours away from home.
there are so many life lessons that he will lose by staying at home and commuting.

Neolara · 03/10/2025 21:59

I think your DC would be absolutely mad to commute from home if he got a place at Oxford, so he may as well apply to Cambridge.

yetanotherrandomname · 03/10/2025 21:59

Oxford and Cambridge don't like their students to commute. They're also not that expensive to study at.

cherryontoppp · 03/10/2025 21:58

yabu. let him live, poor lad

DarkForces · 03/10/2025 21:57

Moving out to go to uni is normal. Theres loans and grants available depending on your income. I met my now dh in uni. We never moved home.