AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

Oxford and Cambridge are not like other universities. Oxford requires their full-time students to live within a specified radius of the Carfax Tower. Your son will not be able to qualify for his degree if he commutes from an hour away.

Encourage him go to Cambridge. There are bursaries he can look into if the family is truly hard off.

Are you wanting him to stay at home because of finances or because you want him closer to you? If it’s for finances I get it. Uni is horrendously expensive now more than ever and not every family have got the capacity to top up

This has to be clickbait: anyway probably one of the most bonkers threads I’ve ever read on MN

I think YABU and anyway, if he got a place at Uni of Oxford it is required that students live in College for their 1st year at least. He would be very unusual to commute from home in later years and regardless he wants to leave home. He’ll be an adult so it is his decision.

My mother who was a worrier insisted I stay at home and commute because she was extremely worried about finances and quite controlling but with good intentions. It was absolutely awful. I was miserable at home as all my school friends had gone away for uni. My uni friends weren’t as close to me as to each other as I had to disappear off every night so missed out on all the late night chats and socialising. I was up super early if had 09.00 lectures and stuck in rush hour traffic in evenings. Had to carry so much stuff around with me as didn’t have halls to go back to. Was always intruding on others as large gaps between lectures/seminars and no where to go. It was miserable. I ended up moving out for second year onwards. I had a weekend job so went home every weekend for that. I also didn’t go to as good a uni as I could have if I could have applied further afield. Please don’t do this to him. Let him thrive and live his life for him.

He's right, it's all part of the uni life. He'll grow so much, gain his independence, it's a healthy break away from your parents to start living your own life and all the lessons outside the classroom that comes with that.

I think he should choose the best uni for him based on the course and support him through that. Also commuting two hours a day would really start to take it's toll and he'll end up missing out on the social bits.

You should have a fixed amount that you are willing to “fund” your son’s uni. If he stays at home he can have that money towards a house deposit or daily living, if he moves in it that money goes towards accommodation.

xan he get a job at uni? Student overdrafts etc, work in the summer this is all very normal for a student.

You don't sound like you know how Oxbridge works. I hope he has someone advising him who has at least done a little research.

Why do you want him to stay at home? Is it to save money?

It is very difficult to get into Oxbridge so the last thing you should be concerned with is how close they are to your home! He needs to apply where the course is best and he stands the best chance. You can't just swap in Oxford for Cambridge, he probably won't get into Oxford anyway (probability wise) and so you should definitely not limit him in this way- let him try out for the best of the best in his field.

He'll have to get a job and start saving before university. All three of mine did .

That sounds really stupid as it is often in the final year when you have dissertations and other projects that you need to be near the library, labs and workshops etc

Commuting to University is really not like living at university - you miss out on a lot of friendship and study opportunities - I know as I've done both. It is really tough if you are on a course that has group work as it makes you a very unpopular group member if you can't meet up after hours and can lead to more struggles to get decent grades (I ended up in the "no hopers" group on one project with the girl who decided to drop out, the guy with MH problems and the lovely Finnish exchange student that struggled with the language because of the commute which also put us under a lot of time pressure as the Finnish student had booked tickets to Lappland)

Sorry, you need to let go and let him be an adult, on his own terms. I went away (four hours from my parents' house by train) at 18 and I can tell you I needed that distance. If you managed to force him to live with you as a student it would not be good for your relationship with him.

Why in earth would,your DS want t commute from home? He’s going to university: it’s not just about studying, but also about leaving home, growing up, managing on your own - don’t infantilise him, especially as he sounds like a very bright young man. Let him go out into the world and find his own way - sorry, OP, but you really are being staggeringly unreasonable.

The parties don't die out in final year. He'll have been living independently for years and you think that you'll be happy living together? Sorry op, you're kidding yourself

The guidance for funding for students estranged from their parents is here:
https://www.ucas.com/money-and-student-life/money/additional-funding/financial-support-for-students-not-supported-by-their-parents-estranged

The conditions are stringent

Applying to Oxford (or London) because he can live at home is a bit odd. He wants to move out and he wants Cambridge. Let him make his own choices - presumably he is getting a loan anyway?

One of the really good things about our most ancient universities (compared to some others) is the level of hardship funding / support available for students there.

Also, shorter terms = more possibility if earning during holidays, although minimal opportunity for jobs during term.

We have a Y13, he has applied to 2 local and 3 away. We have budgeted for him to live out so he will even if he stays local. You don't get the whole experience if you live at home. I also don't want to be wondering where he is at 4am!
I was in Glasgow loads of people commuted but moved put in second year because they hated living at home

What's the actual reason here OP? Is it money, or is it more about not wanting him to be far away? Do you have any grounds for being concerned he won't cope with living away?

Keep out of it. Let your son make the choices he wants to make. Let him spread his wings and find his independence. You are being so unreasonable I can't even - my DS graduated this year. I'm in Suffolk. He's in Plymouth and is staying there. And that is how it is meant to be. They fly the nest and live their own lives.

If you don’t want to support him financially I believe you can sign a form that says you will not be supporting him at all and will not be involved , then he can apply for a full loan.

Pretty sure this is not the case. Otherwise surely everyone who applies for a loan would do this? And how could it be policed? What you can do is refuse to supply your income details – but the StF assumes you earn well and gives the min loan.

Sorry, missed that exclusion. Doesn’t sound as if it applies to OP anyway.

Also op, by the time he goes to uni he will be an adult and frankly you should support him but this is his choice to make and not really your business. If finances are an issue lay it out to him and support him in finding a solution.

A lot of privilege on this thread. Life at uni isn't completely subsidised as it once was- lots of people just can't afford to send their kids, especially if they choose courses where it isn't possible to work alongside their studies. There are thousands of students who choose local unis because of the financial aspect of living at home.

OP, if you really can't afford it, I'd have that conversation openly with your DS and encourage him to work during the holidays, or to take a year out to work in order to make money to save for uni. You can't decide for him, but he does need to know where he stands financially, so if you can only afford a very small amount to support him, he needs to know that.