AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

He won’t be able to,if he goes to Cambridge. It is a condition of studying there.

Please let him go live there. I regret every day that I commuted for an hour + to my university.

The largest benefit of going to uni in my opinion is the network you get, and at Oxbridge, that's especially true. It's where you might find your friends for life, your partner for life. People don't really commute to Oxbridge anyway, the whole point is to immerse yourself in the collegiate culture. You'll be saying no to all the late night events and deep chats which are so priceless.

Depending on the salary he gets, the extra loan might not even cost much extra in the long run. Look up Martin Lewis's calculator for this, you might be surprised but at the end of the day, it is a tax.

YABU. Cambridge has long holidays he can work full time in the holidays and get student loans.

From a financial perspective, I can see where OP is coming from. The point at which only a minimum loan is awarded is pretty low if you live in an expensive part of the country and still have a mortgage to pay. It's a lot of money to find.
Even so, I don't think you should be trying to place restrictions on your DS. An hour's commute into Oxford? Unless you're already in Oxfordshire that's not realistic. I don't know what different colleges might allow.

This would be extremely unreasonable - I can’t remember anyone in our college at Oxford who lived at home and commuted. As a student you’d be completely out of step with everyone else and isolated as a result. Oxford and Cambridge colleges offer very generous financial support (more so than other unis).

Living at home during university is not good - he should experience everything uni has to offer. He also needs to go for the best university course that suits his requirements. Don’t hold him back.

I don't think he can live at home. It doesn't work like that at Oxford. They are taught in tutorials in small groups in the individual colleges where they live, alongside attending lectures/labs with students from other colleges enrolled on the same degree, for the larger scale delivery bits, in the department buildings. The colleges are like Halls but they literally sit their exams there etc. Same for Cambs. So he ought to apply where he prefers. You know it's too late for 2026, is he currently in year 12 or 13? They had to register for the exams before now.

OP - of course you are being unreasonable.
Let your son apply to the unis that he wants to apply to. And of course - living at uni accomodation is part of Uni experience.
Are you from Europe? It is more normal for some of the European universities in big cities for the kids to stay at home if they apply to the university in their city,
But in the UK - living in the student accommodation is part of experience.
As to Oxford vs Cambridge for Electrical engineering - it is really up to him.

He needs an entry test - ESAT for Cambridge and Imperial; or PAT for Oxford.
I hope he registered for both as they are happening fairly soon.
They are quire different - so by adding Oxford to the mix he hedges his bets - but again -really up to him.
As to Warwick vs London unis - you do realise that accommodation in London is a lot more expensive than in Warwick? And, just FYI - accommodation at Oxford is heavily subsidised.
Bottom line - let you son figure out what he wants to do with his life. And good luck to him!!!

Back in the early 2000s now but I stayed at home and commuted 20 miles to Uni - to begin with by train and then driving.

I had a secure and well paid part time job (2 weeknights 6pm-10pm and a Saturday 8am-4.30pm) in a customer service centre very close to home. My parents’ income was such that I didn’t qualify for any grants and only the minimum student loan award and they didn’t have the money to cover any extra expenses associated with me attending Uni.

Sadly the main reason for the commuting was the boyfriend I had whilst doing my A Levels, who influenced me to pick local Unis so we could continue to see each other easily.

He was a controlling, abusive dickhead and I wish I hadn’t listened to him -ironically, I ended up dumping him a few weeks before I started my first year, so he need never have been a factor!

I definitely missed out on a huge element of the Uni experience by not staying onsite / near campus, so I think you should be trying whatever you can to support/facilitate your son’s aspirations here. If you are concerned regarding finances, have an open and honest conversation with him as to what is do-able, which may include him having to get a part time job to cover some of his own expenses.

YABVU and you don’t really seem to understand how student life works these days. ‘Most of the parties’ do not die out in the third year, for a start. The vast majority of students don’t live at home for any of their three years.

In general, you seem to be forgetting that your son will be a grown adult when he goes to uni. None of these decisions are yours to make. It’s his adult life and his adult future you’re talking about; it’s for him to decide. You’re being really pushy and overbearing. Cut the apron strings FFS; it’s not school and he’s not a child. You can’t tell a grown man what to do.

It sounds like getting away is by far the healthiest thing for him.

In terms of the minimum loan not being enough - it’s not supposed to be; it’s means tested on parental income. So if he only qualifies for the minimum amount then you should be able to support him reasonably well financially.

If he does end up at an Oxbridge college he’ll need a lot less money then if he goes elsewhere. My DC managed on the minimum loan because the rent was low compared to other universities. Most importantly, living in, which was an option for all 3 years, meant paying rent for three 8-week terms rather than for 51 weeks as at other universities.

Come on OP. You know you can’t do this. You need to sit down tomorrow and apologise to him. Say your being silly, you love him and he should pick the uni best for him.

I would have liked my Foster Son to go to our local university where he was offered a £5k per year bursary to go there and on top of this he'd also most likely have got a minor Sports bursary too as he plays at a county level, but he chose to go to another University where he won't get a bursary and it's costing £8200 for a 40 week contract. I went through how much debt he might have from University 1 then University 2 but then told him to think carefully but it has to be his choice. He is the one who will pick up the debt so he has to choose. He went with University 2 as they have this option to study in Australia for part of his second year and University 1 didn't have that option.

That’s bonkers. The work gets more intense as the course goes on and he will need to be living near uni not wasting time commuting. He might be in a relationship too. You need to let him grow up and manage this himself.

I think this is incredibly unreasonable. You shouldn’t be micromanaging his future to this extent. Hopefully university will be a fantastic experience for him. Why would you want to diminish that, and take him away from his friends? They will be central to his life by then and you will have faded into the background. And in any case, the need to be on campus doesn’t lessen in the final year. As a PP said, the workload at Oxford or Cambridge will be extremely heavy and he needs to be there.

Hands off his life, let him get into student debt if he needs to, OP.

Hands off his life, let him get into student debt if he needs to, OP.

You have to let him make this important decision for himself and stop pressuring him. He has to pick where will be best for his future. I think you are being selfish to pressure him about this. This will affect his whole working future. Let him get a loan and you pay to top it up. Living away from home and learning how to care for himself and socialise is part of the student experience. Don't steal this from him.

Maybe he needs to get a Saturday job?

@Cinaferna the thing is that the loan is means-tested. You can't just "take out a full loan". The minimum is less than £5k this year outside London, and that will barely cover rent in halls even in the cheapest places. In a lot of unis halls cost £8k or more.

While I agree with most (and said so) that the Op's DS should be supported to go where he wants and where is best – and in any case he cannot commute to Oxford – I do wonder if some PPs have a YP at uni or have had one in recent years.

This year I am paying DS2's rent as his loan is the minimum and less than usual as it's his final year. So that's £550 pm. That's Ok. But for some people, even those on the princely HH income of £62k, it’s not OK. So I do think the Op needs to have a conversation with her DS. It's not as simple as "take out a loan".

The poor lad has got to become an adult sometime, and going to uni is a rite of passage where living in hall or lodgings or shared student house is something most of his peers will be doing.

Still living with mum and dad will infantilise him.

Also, getting a job will help him with his expenses.

Alternatively he could defer going to uni for a few years, get a job and build savings first.

Either way, cut the umbilical cord.

I know its hard. It is very expensive to support a child through uni. I will admit I asked my dd to include cost of living in her critera, and was very pleased that she picked a northern uni. But I did that in the knowledge that she wouldn't let me influence her choices, and I would have accepted it if she'd gone for her offer from Bristol, for example.

I understand Oxbridge has a lot of bursaries etc, so look into that. They don't allow termtime working, but have long holidays so you could ask him to work then. And he could take a gap year and use it for working and saving, rather than travel.

You are being completely unreasonable. This is HIS uni experience and he should choose his own course and his own uni. Your being controlling.

Someone who is on minimum loan comes from a household with a combined income of at least £62,000 so you should have some disposable income. There’s an element of saving for it but I think most parents will pay their child an allowance monthly or cover their rent. Personally speaking, we opted for private halls as they were cheaper than uni halls and were more practical for multiple reasons. We also didn’t like the uni accommodation we saw at open day. Plus private halls often do deals like cash back and stuff like that.

We are lucky in that DD chose a city that is not too expensive to live in; I give her a monthly allowance that is manageable for us and is enough to cover her costs. If she needs more, she knows she can ask. I pay her mobile contract too but it’s not expensive.

As other people have said, students at Oxford are obligated to live within 6 miles' radius of Carfax Tower to keep their place.