AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

Did you go to uni? The social side absolutely does not die out after second year.

My parents did this and I resent them for it. They'll frame it that they did me this huge favour, but we all know I stayed home because mum couldn't face letting me go.

This. He will not be allowed to live at home and commute if he goes to Oxford unless his home is less than 6 miles from the centre of Oxford https://www.ox.ac.uk/students/life/residency

YABVU and this is unrealistic as it is not allowed for Oxbridge. If he'll only be getting minimum loan, this means you earn enough to top him up. It really sounds like you're trying to get him to sacrifice academically so you don't have to pay.

I say this as someone who did live at home for uni but it was London. I could have gone elsewhere, but I was keen on the course I did and it seemed silly to spend money on halls when it was a fairly straightforward tube ride.

No one at Oxford commutes and would be very odd if he did. Commuting 2 hours a day is pretty miserable as an adult with a job, let alone a student. Cambridge is better for practical engineering.

There is also no way he’s going to move out and then back while still at uni?! It’s normal to want independence and that’s not going to get less.

If you can’t afford for him to move away then he needs to figure out how to help pay, or choose a uni that’s actually close enough to commute (under 30 mins). FWIW, I think it’s fine to live at home during uni and where I am from, it’s very normal to do so if paying for it is a stretch. But an hour commute is nuts and it’s never going to happen at Oxford or Cambridge.

Also if it’s about the money, then you need to tell your son if you cannot afford to top up the student loan to what he would get if you had a low salary. Someone I know had to ask her son to take a gap year and work to build up the funds as he got minimum loan based on her partners salary (not her son’s father) and he didn’t want to give her son money for uni.

The government expects parents to contribute, so some people saying it’s not the parent’s business, well it is when they are funding it. But it would be a massive shame if your son gave up his oxbridge dream because parents can’s support. I’d personally get a 2nd job to support my child’s Oxbridge dream. I know some parents can’t do that, and I do wish it was more widely known that parents are expected to contribute now so savings can start at birth, bit like college savings funds for American kids.

My son earned 5k working full time in summer 1, and earned 3k from an internship in summer 2 (and they offered him a grad job that he has just started). So that’s also an option.

Oxford wants students to live in. Not sure if they make exceptions but that certainly used to be the case. DD is applying for Sep 26 entry, form due in 2wks. I’ve encouraged both of mine to live in uni. DD is thinking of a couple of london uni’s which she could commute to. I did remind her she will have her whole life to commute, and part of uni is the life experience of living in / learning to look after yourself.

Couple of things here, OP. Firstly, and most importantly- encourage your DS to apply to whatever universities he wants to apply for. It’s his life, not yours. My eldest is currently at Cambridge and yes, I am pleased it’s much closer than, say, St. Andrew’s (we are in London), but the bottom line is - it’s their choice. A big part of uni is living independently for the first time - it’s really not the norm for UK students to live at home or commute.

Secondly - there’s no ‘electrical engineering’ at Oxbridge, I don’t think? It’s just engineering - which encompasses a broader range of engineering disciplines. Worrying about which course is ‘better’ or ‘easier to get into’ at Oxford or Cambridge is a bit silly. Both would be amazing and both are ridiculously competitive. Cambs engineering has an acceptance rate of about 12 percent - each year, so many capable. very bright kids don’t get in. And plenty of other universities are brilliant for engineering too - just let your DS investigate what is right for him!

Yeah, no. This really won't work - you can't do an Oxford degree and commute.

I commuted for two months during my first PG course after accommodation fell through.
On paper it was a 90 minute commute each way, realistically it was never less than 2 hours and it was hell. Cancelled or delayed trains, cancelled buses, bad weather - some nights I wouldn’t get back until gone 11pm and had to be up and out at 6am to ensure I made the 9am lecture. I got stranded more than once and ended up sleeping on a friends couch. It wasn’t significantly cheaper than just living there. I knew it wasn’t for long though as I was actively searching for accommodation, if I’d tried to do that as an UG I don’t think I’d have lasted a full semester.
Don’t try to make him commute - engineering is an intense course (even outside Oxbridge) and he’ll have long contact hours in all years of the course. Commuting on top of that will be miserable.

You’re so wrong I don’t know here to begin.

But like everybody else said: they won’t let him live far away like that. Secondly, you’re not allowed to work!

OP, I know finances are a worry when you have a DC at uni. Your son is right though, he will gain far more from uni if he moves out. It's a really good stepping stone to full adult independence.

DC2 worked full time for a year as a lifeguard before starting uni and saved all the money. They also do a 12-hour shift every Sunday in term time and work more in the holidays. They have 2 lifeguard jobs - one near the uni and one near home. It's fairly well paid - the job near home pays the over 23 minimum wage and the job near uni pays quite a bit more.

Oxford wouldn't let him commute from home anyway, certainly not for the first year.

He needs to do his own research and you need to let him make his own decision.

Most students work in the holidays to help fund uni. If DS only gets minimum loan parents are usually expected to supplement the difference.

This is why on most posts when people are asking about whether to have another child they are advised to think ahead about possibility of uni costs

Have you ever done a lengthy daily commute to any of the cities you mention? It would be utterly miserable and completely in variance to how relaxed university should be.

How is your dc to open their mind to all those new ideas when they are tired, and stressed? I think you do them a huge disservice.

If you can in any way afford it then I think living away from your parents when you are at uni is a great experience. It's like a soft entry to being an adult ajd living independently while still having quite a bit of structure ajd support. It can teach you a lot. I think it's definitely worth it. At least it was for me.

Why?!

Well, either the child doesn’t go to uni, hopes they can get a bursary, lives on a pittance or has to get a job (can be a challenge in uni heavy cities). Any family whose income means the child qualifies for max loan is not expected to contribute but above that, it’s a sliding scale down to minimum. As I said, combined household income of a bit over £60K is the threshold for the minimum loan. Usually at that level, the family has some disposable income.

Families will have some lower costs as a result of having one less child at home such as reduced food costs, lower electricity bills etc which can soften the blow but I’ll be honest and say we would not be able to afford to fund a child going to London. As it happened, that was never likely.

It should be remembered that minimum loan also means less to repay.

I would encourage your DS to do the best program possible. My daughter and son are both studying mechanical engineering and are flourishing at top schools. Overall I think the extra expense will be worth it in the end. Fwiw my mother made all her kids live at home and we all resented her for it. I would not deprive your DS of his own experience away from home.

It's interesting how things work in different places. Both my sons have a 1 hour + commute to uni but commuting is the norm where we live (Sydney, Australia). It tends to be students that have come from outside the city that live in student housing. One of my sons is also doing electrical engineering and it is quite demanding compared to a lot of other uni courses so with the commute it doesn't really leave a whole lot of time in his life for socialising.

I think your son is at the age where you need to let him make his own decision and if the norm is to live in student housing and that's what he wants to do, I would go with that.

And if they don’t have the funds to make up the difference ??

University is about the whole experience, not just the studying..He should go away.

Totally agree, yes the parties wee fabulous, but that’s not all there is. There are friendships forged which will last a lifetime, access to the library, support during exams, washing for yourself, cooking for yourself, making travel arrangements, navigating a new city, working out your own finances… all part of growing up.

I’m not a good person to ask as I went abroad for my full uni life. Best years of my life. I always felt sorry for the commuters as they didn’t experience proper uni life. I can’t tell you how many dossed down on my floor so they could join in. The experience for me was worth more than money.

It's not about going to parties OP.
It's about growing up. Taking responsibility for yourself. Finding your own way. Making connections. Taking your first steps out into the world.

It's not for everyone, but if that's what your son wants you'd be doing him a disservice to try and persuade him not to. If you think it's about parties you are showing that you don't really have enough understanding to be advising him.