AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

It seems part of the culture in the UK and US to move out for Uni. In Dublin where I live 90% kids who are from Dublin live at home for Uni. That includes a lot of kids commuting in quite long distances which is hard but kind of just expected . Kids from outside the cities in Ireland tend to move out but city kids stay put. I lived at home myself through college and whist I envied those living out I still had a great time

it is the op's money that she is controlling. and i think that is fair enough.

DC studied 550 miles away in the UK for undergraduate degree plus a year abroad, although Masters, sponsored by employer, was part time in London near work / their own flat. I still know graduates that have never left home and mum irons their shirts and has dinner on the table because they must be so busy on their graduate programme. While I recognise it is cheaper for DCs to live at home I think those that live independently are more mature.I also wonder about what will happen when they eventually move out, live with someone and start a family if all the changes and additional expectations come at once.

I don’t think the parties do die out. Certainly I at uni, and the students I know now, still go out several times a week!

A friend went to Oxford 25 years ago and she had to live in halls during first and third years- it wasn’t a choice. Another friend was at Cambridge and it was the same story there.

I think you are being quite unreasonable but also unrealistic.

There is another thread on AIBU where the OP talks about their child having £60 a week to live on.
It makes interesting reading for anyone thinking the OP is being unreasonable or selfish to be concerned about how to fund her child.
Times have changed, people! Everything costs more!

Oxford is a PITA to commute in to unless you have good trains or buses in to it. I live in Oxfordshire and never take the car in to Oxford, always the train because its cheaper. I should imagine commuting in will cost as much as living in uni accomodation.

Stop being so controlling

If he gets into Oxbridge then the terms are 8 weeks long as they are so full on.

If he goes to Oxford he won't have time to commute.

I think it’s really sensible to be looking into costs and affordability. However, as well as travel time, you have to factor in costs. Both London and Oxford are well connected but commuting to them is expensive and busy. For something like engineering, I imagine he will have to be for 9am each day so will be travelling at peak times. What time will he actually have to leave to get to a lecture for 9am? And how much will that ticket cost? What will he do on days when the trains are down or similar? And then how will he socialise? What time is the last train back to yours and how often do those trains run? What will he do if there is a party at the weekend that he wants to go to?
Do bear in mind, too, that, in many Unis, he will actually need to commit pretty early in academic year to where he is living the following academic year as people will be sorting out house shares. If he can’t commit, there’s a risk he’ll end up living with people he doesn’t particularly like and in the most expensive accommodation.

Forcing him into a lengthy commute will stop him properly integrating into student life plus will land him with a very long and tiring day which could badly affect his studies. So high likelihood he will drop out or be required to leave after failing exams. Is that what you want?

if he is getting minimum maintenance grant you are not on low income so surely you could contribute something and he could get a part time job to supplement? Much better idea than a hellish commute.

im from Dublin and most teens there just live at home we’ll into their 20’s as accommodation is expensive. I also have several colleagues (in London) in their mid to late twenties who have not moved out yet due to financial or cultural reasons. Just because all of his friends can afford to move out doesn’t mean he has to.

Exactly this! Many posters here really don't understand how much has changed and how hard it is for many families to find the extra cash for their kids to study at University.

And don't get me started on the huge amount of interest charged on the current loans which starts accumulating from day one.
My child graduated this year and found there was already £1k in interest added to the loan!
With the current poor job market for graduates we are really setting our young people up for a hard time.

If you are concerned about money talk to him about taking a gap year to work and save instead.

I have three in Uni. One lives at home. It's miserable. There is no uni experience any more for students not living on campus. 2 tutes a week on person, the rest on line. Zero interaction. It's just soulless.

One just finished post-grad and lives independently - his course was hands on but he worked throughout so not much of the trad uni experience.

My youngest lives in catered halls on campus. It has been a fantastic experience and worth every single penny. If he can subsidise, get a bursary, finding or scholarship then let him do what he wants to do. Just make sure he is clear on the financial implications of each choice.

I think it’s not simply about the parties - that’s a small element about living somewhere. It’s about the community formed and being immersed in that. You study together, you eat together, you hang out together. Being around people studying the same subjects has benefits e.g. discuss subjects, assignments, revise together. Arguably this is most needed in the final year. But also moving out is great in terms of life skills - sharing a house, building relationships, cleaning, cooking, managing finance - habit building stuff.

I would say if a young person wants this they should go for it - manage the debt, get a part time job. Having to move home mid course would be fracturing to a once in a lifetime experience. They can always move home after to save money.

We looked at lots of unis with DS, most were about an hour away but he decided on Liverpool as it's 20 mins on the train.

He lived there last year. At home this year.

First year rent was just under 8k which I paid. His maintenance loan was the low one at around 4.5k. Hed also had a job since 16 so saved hard.

We told him was he was looking we could only afford rent for one year

This year he is travelling by train. A monthly rail ticket is 200 a month. He's not taken out the maintenance loan this year.

I would discuss with him how he will fund living away. Make clear what you can and can't do. Does he have a job?

I would suggest an hour is too far to commute. Some days they only have one lecture. Is he really going to go in for an hour or two

Only 16% are successful for Oxford engineering. If he hasn't booked a place for the PAT yet it's all hypothetical anyway as bookings closed last month. Similarly ESAT entries for Cambridge closed last week with the exam next week.

DS1 could have had free tuition in Scotland, but we encouraged him to apply where he wanted. The top 3 universities for the subject he's doing are in England. He didn't get into the Oxbridge uni he applied to, but got his second choice of one of the London unis. It's a STEM course and includes a paid year in industry, which will help, and he's on a gap year now and working to save up. He's working for an electronics and tech retailer and hopefully might be able to transfer to a store in London.

DS1 will only get minimum student finance, we don't have huge amounts of disposable income at the moment (recent run of house repairs, plus a situation with my inlaws that we've ended up having to help financially with, but I won't go into) and I won't deny it would financially have been easier for him to go local. But it was about him, not us, and the conversation we had was if he wanted to go in England, we'd support, but it would mean he had to find a way to contribute. A gap year is a good compromise if he's able to work and save up, that will help in first year if it takes some time to find a part time job (assuming he doesn't go to Cambridge, where he'd only be able to work in the holidays). Gap year means parents can save up a bit too.

It's not impossible OP. Let him go, let him spread his wings a bit and go where will give him the best chance of a good career after uni. The better the uni is for his subject, the better opportunities he will have later. Uni is 3-4 years, but you have to consider what comes after too.

of course he should go where he wants and to move out - the uni experience is as important as the studying really.

We don’t know how much the OP’s HH income is – but I don’t call £62k well off – if both parents are there and working FT that’s minimum wage tbh.

I think the Op needs to rethink, but as I say, I wonder how many posters on this thread are supporting a student in HE in the current climate.

The issue is that the threshold for minimum loan has risen so little, and also the level of loan has been static, while CoL – food, rents – has gone up so much.

DD went to uni six years ago – she got a good deal more than min loan and food was a lot cheaper. Our salaries have gone up a bit (not loads) and now with no dependents at home, DS2 (youngest DC) gets min loan and food costs ££. It’s not as easy as some posters seem to think.

Mine has stayed home for 3 years and made the hour commute, for her the huge financial benefit of no rent etc means she can move away for her last year to a better uni without having to worry about money so it was win win for her.

Not saying this would happen with your son, but my mum was always guilt tripping, crying and pulling the apron strings for me to commumute 2 1/2 hrs a day. I did it but it caused massive resentment and almost wrecked our relationship and I ended up leaving my course a year early because I was so stressed and fed up with her.
Things got a bit better when I had my first child, but Ishe could never get over the hanging on to me even as a young adult, she was still doing it to a degree until I was about 25, married and 2 kids.

I think there’s yet to be a shift in the narrative that reflects the way university costs have changed.

Yes, it is good for young people to spread their wings. No, it is not good for parents to be on the hook for in the region of 6 to 10k a year. 6k is roughly the difference between the minimum and maximum living expenses loan. the maximum living loan will barely touch the sides of rent costs.

I’ve got two at uni and it’s costing me 20k a year. I was on the back foot, failing to predict the exponential rise in rent costs and the way inflation has undermined the living expenses loan. Don’t even talk to me about house deposits which the newspapers imply I’m on the hook for, too.

If I had known, I would have started saving, like parents in the US, from the moment they were born.

In the US, it’s normal for parents to encourage their children to stay ‘in state’ for lower university costs. It’s not normal here, hence the barrage of ‘YABU’

OP I’m with you, but I think you might have to suck up the costs.

In that case why are you talking about it now. Just let the first one or two years happen.

Neither of those universities would allow or enocurgwe this. He needs to be engaged absolutely 100 per cent with his course

This is not only impractical but makes no sense.

University was honestly the best years of my life. It is incredible to be immersed in learning and live with like minded friends