AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

I think it’s ok to mention pros and cons but not make it feel like a pressure to decide according to your preference. He will resent you for it. Students who live at home can benefit from home comforts and support but they can often feel isolated and on the fringes of things. This can impact general wellbeing and how they feel about their studies. Moving out can be good for developing confidence and independence. Money concerns are real though as uni is so expensive. Your DS will need to work but I think this is part of the journey. I remember doing 3 jobs in the summer and loved it (factory, pub, internship), felt like I was carving my path. I wish him all the best.

Isn't that discriminatory against low income students and mature students? I thought they were supposed to be becoming less elitist?

It is difficult for parents I agree. While you are supposed to top up the loans - if you really can't afford to meet the parental contribution you need to be honest with your son and suggest eg a gap year before uni to save up.
Uni and local accomodation varies a lot depending on city. I encouraged my children not to apply to London unless they were absolutely desperate to because even the halls were twice as expensive as other cities.

For Engineering, I would definitely apply to Cambridge over Oxford but would also apply to universities with great Engineering departments but less pressure on (and hence cheaper) accomodation eg Sheffield and Southampton. Engineers also often do a year in industry as part of their course which is usually paid so they can save up towards their final year then.

What if she can't afford it? Have you read through the thread properly?

You are completely unreasonable, he's the one going to university not you so it's his choice where he goes and let him live his life

I might be wrong but I think you have to be resident in Oxford and I think living away from home is part of the experience. I know not everyone wants to move for uni but as your son does I wouldn’t stop him.

He wouldn't be able to live at home at Oxford. You have to live within 6 miles of Carfax tower, and 25 miles if you're living at home. An hour's drive is a lot more than that.

You don't get to decide how where he goes to uni because he will be an adult. You do get to say how much you'll give him to live on and he can think about how he'll fund the rest.

About 30-40% of the students where I teach commute. We try our best to make their experience as good as possible and foster a sense of community with them, but it is different and they sometimes feel they miss out. For some, being at home and saving money is still more important (or they live at home for health reasons), but it's not a choice without a cost.

Harsh as it sounds, this. Also - as it sounds like he is only applying rather than has offers, do bear in mind what happened to my DD. Offers from 3, but then didn't quite get the grades. Went through clearing and ended up 5 hours away! So best laid plans and all that. Don't restrict him for a plan that may never happen. If he's capable of getting into the best, don't restrict him! And an hour's commute would be awful every time he needed to go to lectures or use the library until late or have group coursework sessions.

So let him go to Cambridge then move there before he starts 3rd year?

Seriously, YABU. He'll likely resent you for stopping him doing what he wants to do where he wants to do it.

Absolutely no guarantee of this at the moment, the job market is dire even for the best graduates.
it's really tough out there!

Your son will be affluent and will be able to pay off his student loan comfortably. Let him have the student experience that we had in the 90s when student accomodation was cheap. Let him manage his affairs, grow as a person, cook crap meals, love freely. He can afford it.

Spare a thought for the young people that are going to less prestigious higher education institution with a weaker potential earning power that will be saddled with student debt hanging over their heads for decades.

Agreed, and he'll no doubt be finishing his dissertation or main project in his final year, so commuting two hours a day would be an even bigger waste of time.

I think you are being unfair TBH. It's massively unreasonable to expect DS to commute . Being at Uni is part of the experience ! My own DS studied over 100 miles away.We were not a wealthy family .However he had his student loan(no grant as over limit which is quite low) We topped him up with shopping,meals out ,and not charging any rent in holidays .helping with train fares as well.If you are worried about him being away, there are lots of holidays and weekends at home to see friends / family .Also there is no guarantee of Oxbridge Unis as these are massively over subscribed

For what it's worth I went to Cambridge and as others have said, they don't allow / encourage people to live out and commute. I imagine Oxford is the same.

The advantage is that as you stay in college accommodation for the duration of your course, it's significantly cheaper than being at other universities and having to move out to private accomodation and pay market rates for rent from your second year. Prices do vary from college to college and it's also worth looking into how rooms are assigned after first year - via a random allocation or based on academic merit. At Clare for example you are assigned a number from a hat and if it's high you get first pick - then the next year your number is reversed so that it's fair. Some colleges like Peterhouse assign rooms based on exam results. Colleges will often have bursaries available too.

I loved Cambridge and while I'm obviously biased, think it has a much warmer / less snobby atmosphere than Oxford, and the engineering department is indeed excellent.

Oxford and Cambridge are totally residential; unlike many unis now, no students commute from home, all live in sometimes all 3 years. They are also great for poorer students as lots of support funds. And if he gets a lower loan, your obligation is to top it up to at least the max level of 10k ish, which itself is far from enough to live on. In short, yes, interfering in his choice is totally unreasonable and you need to be doing more to support what is an amazing opportunity if he gets it.

Yes you are totally unreasonable. He should apply to where HE wants to go. Ironically Oxbridge is one of the cheapest to attend. You can get a Cambridge college for under £5k a year and you stay in college accommodation for the whole course. The terms are short so there is plenty of time to work in the longer holidays to earn extra. Plus the chances of getting in to Oxbridge as so small anyway he should apply to where he actually wants to go

TLDR: don’t even think about it unless it’s ’normal’ both in your hometown, and in the uni they’re hoping to attend. Unless the only other possible option financially is “don’t go to uni at all” which they would need to understand.

Lots of Londoners do commute to London universities, but that’s quite a specific situation. Unless you’re literally on the fringes (eg Watford, Slough) it may not apply. And driving to a London uni is an unbelievably daft idea unless it’s a really peripheral location like Brunel. Even then it’s pretty daft. Commuting can be brutal, at least on the train they can study, and there is little parking in or near most unis.

I was a Londoner at a London uni. Halls in year 1 which let me get to know my classmates. Home after that. There were some disadvantages and I spent a lot of time visiting friends and now-husband who were in other cities so I got a lot of the ‘student experience’ second-hand at their unis.

Nowadays I’ve got one child in a distant Russell group uni living their best life in a shared house. Another is a Londoner commuter student, with a very short commute. Their significant other is at a different London uni, also lives with parents.

1. The public transport is good enough that they rarely have to miss out on late night socialising. Could work if you’re super close and on a main commuter line.
2. Many families are struggling to afford their main home, so London teens see the dilemma, and don’t expect parents to magically up ludicrous rent money.
3. lots of international students, so the “traditional” UK heavy-drinking, friends-forever uni vibe is different. Their parents pay extortionate fees, so expect kids to get a first.
4. Enough Londoners stay home that it’s normalised: they’re not the ‘weird one’ at uni and they often have home friends who are commuter students too
5. Even the official halls of residence can be miles from uni in London with an expensive 30 min commute. Sometimes the ‘home’ students live nearer than the halls ones.
6. I make sure there’s food available and give lifts if required. Other than that I am aggressively hands-off and disciplined with letting them live their life. If they’re out all night and I don’t know who with, that’s up to them, unless they choose to share.

Are you serious? After living in uni halls he will want to live in a student house with his friends. That is the normal and expected route of transition as a student and will help prepare him for adult life. To expect him to come back home for his 3rd year which will be his most intense and difficult year of study is V unreasonable.

Also if he goes to Oxford or Cambridge he won't be allowed to live more than a few miles of the campus so if you still insist on him living at home and he ends up failing or being kicked out then well done for being mega selfish.

You really need to research both universities they are not like most unis.

I used to live in Oxford and even though I wasn't a student you do learn bits. If you spend a night away from Oxford in term time you have to stay for a night in the holidays.

I think, but I'm not 100% on this that there are times they have to be in their college for certain dinners and other events.

So give him a hand, if you can? He needs to fly the nest. He can't get a job Oxford, not sure about Cambridge, they don't encourage it. Uni from home isn't the same at all. He needs access to uni facilities and uni life and to fly the nest. If the finances are rubbish, can he defer for a year and save?

Oxbridge colleges have rules about how far away you're allowed to live as the workload is so high. If he goes to Oxford, he won't be allowed to commute from an hour away.

Why do you eamt to limit your son's choices? Yabu, if you really don't have the money to help him he'll have to manage but I think you should make the funds up to full loan equivalent if possible.

Not sure if anyone has mentioned but i don’t think you can live at home and commute at Oxford. You have to live in college. Maybe exceptions are sometimes made but I’ve never heard of anyone commuting.

Stop making decisions for him. Tell him how much time/financial/driving support he can expect from you then let him make his own decisions. If he goes to Oxbridge, he will have long holidays he can work in if he needs extra income.

Most of my friends now were made at uni, the other end of the country.
I only made those friends not from lectures, but from living out and socialising.