AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

I don't think Oxford would let you commute anyway

Don't do this.

My parents did this to me, to the point of saying they wouldn't sign or given any info for the forms for them to assess the fees etc (wasn't a set fee then but based on household income).

I still resent them for it.

If it's money then he can work part time to supplement it. If he wants/needs to go to uni let him have the experience he wants, don't marr it with your demands of being closer to home. I have no friends from my uni days and I do think a big part of this was because I wasn't around as much and dint have the same freedoms to enjoy that time of my life.

Can he take a gap year, get a job and save for his studies?

Oxford and Cambridge terms are especially short. He will be missing out on so much of the life and opportunities there if he has to commute an hour each way. Can he not get a job in the vacations (including summer after A levels) and/or industry gap year to build expecially and savings? If he's that calibre Id have thought there would also be an opportunity to apply for corporate sponsorship

You are being very unreasonable. By all means help and support him but ultimately he’s got to be allowed to make his own life choices. One of my sons went to a uni about 30 minutes away. He moved out which is perfectly normal.

@SassyBear2 Warwick university is just outside Coventry where student accommodation is pretty plentiful and reasonably priced.

Why would the parties die out after the first year?

if it’s about saving money why are you encouraging London, surely that’s more expensive. He be better off looking at northern universities

Moving out to uni is normal and enables him to learn a lot of life lessons/ how to look after himself etc before properly being in the real world.

an hour with no traffic to uni is a long commute. It will stop him from properly being able to get involved (sports clubs etc) or having a social life. How will he get home from a night out at 3 in the morning?

We are based in the NW and
DD is at university in Bath. She could have studied the same course in Manchester or Liverpool ( both commutable cities) but she fell in love with Bath at first sight. I think part of the reason she chose Bath, was because she socialises in Manchester and Liverpool frequently when home and wanted to explore a totally new part of the country.

The key difference is, that DD receives a substantial amount of student loan for living expenses. She also works
during the holidays and reading week etc. DD knows of people who have gone to uni more locally because they don’t get much in the way of a living expenses loan and they seem to have got on okay.

All I can say is, that by living away from home, DD has grown up quickly and has developed a new set of life skills which include budgeting and being extremely “ travel savvy”.

YANBU.

We live in London. The rule is they can apply to Oxbridge, if they don't get in they'll go to one of the lab London unis nearby. One year in halls. Rest at home.

Yes, YABU to pressure him to stay at home if he's researched courses and the better option is further away from home. However, presumably you want him to live at home purely because of the cost? You may have taken this approach already but, if not, I'd speak to him as an adult rather than pressuring him - you would love to support him but can only afford £x financially. He will have to figure out the shortfall. (Appreciate it's a bit late now and this conversation should have been had a couple of years ago, but you are where you are. Can he defer and work full time for a year, if he can't afford the shortfall immediately?)

If he can't live on what he gets from you and in loans he gets a job. That's what happens for most children. While it's bloody annoying being saddled with massive debt as a young adult its life for most people without wealthy parents.

Commuting an hour each way for university is also going to massively reduce his ability to enjoy life. I did university as a mature student, did it 9-5. I missed out on so much, including making friends and useful connections.

I have one in uni now and one who has just finished a Masters.

Both went away for undergrad. DS1 came back for his Masters in London as we lived as close to the uni as some of the halls. The life skills they learnt / are learning from being away are huge. DS2 is cooking and shopping despite being nearly blind, they both learned to budget and plan. The other intangible they gained was the ability to get along with and manage people, when you are in shared accommodation you learn to compromise and to modulate your behaviour in a way you don’t have to with your parents.

The other issue I can see with a longish commute is sports and clubs. Uni sports and clubs are a great way of making friends and getting involved. I was in a uni sports club and so are/were both of my DS. A lot of events and socials will revolve around these clubs in the evenings and weekends, same for training. It would be challenging to get fully involved if you have an hour commute.

Is your DS applying this year as the Oxbridge deadline is soon?

I don’t think he will be able to live at home and commute to Oxford. They don’t like it and will advise against it. They also have residency requirements https://www.ox.ac.uk/students/life/residency

I went to our local university because I wasn't ready to move out. It was the best decision for me and im glad I did it BUT I missed out hugely on the social side and felt quite isolated in lessons etc as didn't socialise with anyone . Luckily I had a boyfriend and group of friends outside of uni from college.

My own children,....I don't think my son will want to go to uni. He's not academic and wouldn't enjoy living away although he would enjoy the social side.
My daughter will need to go to uni for her career choice and we will support whatever decision she makes but again I can't really see her wanting to move too far away.
In your circumstances you need to let him live on campus

Massively unreasonable - it seems like you’ve had these conversations with him without doing any research in to the university requirements or expectations? Oxford and Cambridge have lower living costs, more support available - especially if you choose a college with this in mind. If he gets in to Cambridge he’ll have massive holidays so the option to just pay term time rent (8 weeks) and live at home, maybe have a job in the holidays.
Living at home as an undergrad is absolutely not the done thing, I’m not sure it’s even allowed. I had tutorials until 9pm some evenings and the whole experience is based around you living in college. The collegiate system is completely different to other universities.
YABVU for not taking the time to look in to this before trying to influence his uni choice.

a friend had two sons who both went to uni at the same time, parents asked them to stay local, stay at home, Both of them gave up in the second year.
there are other ways of achieving the qualifications rather than an expensive degree

I partied way harder later in my college career than earlier. Made friends and came out of my shell. I never would have moved back home.

The thing about other countries is that yes, people live at home (there are Americans who do as well), BUT, the courses they want are available locally. If you live in Dublin or Sydney, you won't have a problem finding any subject. A rural student would be different.

So the realistic possibilities for OP's son to stay home depend on what courses are actually available within a short distance. Depending on exactly where they are, there could be a vast choice or a poor one. But commuting an hour to Oxford is not realistic. If the OP's son wants Oxbridge they'll have to live there. That's how it works. This particular plan is a nonstarter. If moving out isn't an option than a student has to plan for that from the beginning.

Also, as I understand it (did a very very different degree!) engineering courses are high contact time, lots of work. It's not an arts degree where you have a few hours of lectures and then get sent home to read and write essays. You have a lot of work to do, group projects etc. So much more campus time and work time than you may be thinking.

To be honest, as PPs have pointed out, the costs at Oxbridge are less than you might expect, and with the increased employment prospects, it's well worth thinking of the investment. It's not like insisting on going hours away just for "the experience".

Please understand that this is a once in a lifetime opportunity for him. You can't replicate the live-in university experience in any other situation. For many people it's the best years of their lives where they grow massively in an environment of people who are also open to growth and new ideas and hobbies etc.

@SassyBear2 what year is he anyway? If year 13 then he's a bit late for Oxford and Cambs anyway, as a PP said wrt entrance tests; applications need to be in by mid-Oct as well.

If he is year 12 (hopefully) then there is some time for a) you to save some ££ b) him to get a job at weekend and holidays and save.

Re gap year – be aware that some unis are not keen on this for STEM students. Also re commuting – IME engineering students have a very heavy timetable. My dd commuted for her last year (various reasons) but it was about 30 mins and a very low-contact timetable – only two days in per week.

BTW before anyone else posts this! – yes lots of people have commented that Oxford and Cambs require you to live close to the university. The reason is the high level of contact time and need to be there for tutorials – it’s very different from most other UK unis.

Let him spread his wings for god’s sake!

You can't really go to oxbrudge without living in the colleges there and it is part of it . I have lived in both as a young adult and universitied at Cambridge. It's exceptional there and you need to clip those wings

They stay in halls/college accomodation the whole 3 years at Cambridge and it's short terms. They have to move out in the holidays as they let the rooms. So it's a much cheaper option than other universities. It's an amazing opportunity- I'd be doing everything I could in supporting him to go .I can't see how commuting would be allowed when they strongly discourage going home at the weekends.

My kids went to uni. I was in no position to financially support them as I was at uni myself after a decade of absolute poverty on benefits (as a carer for my autistic child).

One commuted and didn't get the uni experience which they regret. All had to manage on grants and loans. The youngest actually saved money from his grants etc. None of them had jobs as they are ND and dyslexic etc and study was hard work.

Let him go where he wants but you don't have to pay more than you can afford.