AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

Where is "here"?

It really does depend where you live.

We are rural so DD did need to move into halls because public transport to our nearest university is only hourly and unreliable (and this university didn't do her course anyway).

The entire system is based on the assumption that parents who can afford to help support their children will do so. Pretty shit for those whose parents choose not to.

Indeed but people should still support their DC at University
There are 18 years to prepare
The system is based on parents topping up to at least the maximum loan level and not to do that is disgusting

Where we live it really isn’t normal. Out of 12 girls in dds high school year group only 2 moved out for uni. In dd’s friendship circle at uni only 3 have moved out and that’s out of 14 people.

neither ds or dd moved out for uni, my friends children have all lived at home too.

we are lucky that we live in a place that has quite a few amazing universities within an hours commute.

OP, yanbu to sit down with him and ask him how HE will fund this.
He is not entitled to be funded by you to go off to have an university experience, if he has local options he can commute from.
Lots of students do.
In your shoes I would spell that out to him.
He sounds a bit entitled and presumptuous.

YABVU. If he goes to Oxbridge he can’t live at home at least in first year - they basically insist you live in college.

If Cambridge is the best place to go then that’s where he should apply. He can take out the Govt student loan and work in the summer before uni for money to live on. If he’s a bright lad he needs to go to the best possible uni, and if that’s Cambridge then that’s where he should apply.

Don’t make him live at home, it’s not fair and not the full experience.

@SassyBear2 YABU to pressure your son, about anything.

YANBU to have financial concerns.

I was able to work part time during my degree course at Durham as my parents couldn't afford to "top me up". I worked term time as well, and summers/Easters also.

I didnt die for missing out on 10 foam parties.

Have a good re-look at your finances, determine what you can afford and then have another chat with DS.

Also you travelling back and forth a few hours each way shouldn't be the obstacle to him getting a better, more relevant degree that will set him up for life.

People have bills to pay, mortgages to pay and we high earnings are taxed quite a bit. Not everyone is rolling around in luxury

@SassyBear2 would you be okay in saying where in the UK you are based? I can then advise better.

I did EEE in India many years ago. Back then virtually no one moved out for uni. We all just lived with family and went to the near one.

Main thing is the education he receives.

It certainly isn’t the norm to stay at home and absolutely shouldn’t be.

The maintenance system should be better, but equally many parents need to take responsibility. The OP’s household earns £90k, which is significantly above average and yet apparently has no money to ensure her DS can access university?

Not allowed at Oxford and Cambridge.

That's not possible for many people these days.

Out of DD group only 2 have moved into halls, the other 7 are living at home and commuting. Its the norm now here.

As someone whose parents did this to me, please don't.

Absolutely appalling. He will only receive the minimum loan because you are responsible for funding the rest of the costs.

Living away from home is a huge part of the experience, particularly at Oxbridge.

Why would you pressure your DS to apply to Oxford if Cambridge is the better degree? It’s not just about the ‘uni’ experience, it’s about making connections that will help. Engineering especially - Cambridge has the links to companies, some of which offer holiday-time jobs to students (both paid & not). These all help when it comes to their future careers.

I get it that you’re worried. I had to wave off my DD to a specialist course that was a 5 hour drive from home. It was hard, but it was the best for her career.

But if Cambridge is best, let him apply. As others have said, it may mean sacrifices but our job as parents is to enable our children to fly.

Are you not planning to top his loan up at all despite having a decent household income?

Though unlikely cheaper than either Oxford or Cambridge. Accommodation cost wise they are hard to beat. Though I’ve not looked anecdotally Warwick always sounds reasonable accommodation cost wise.

Of course it is hard to think about a child going further away, @SassyBear2 - we live in Scotland, and ds1 chose Reading for university - so I do understand how you are feeling. But what mattered was what ds1 wanted, so we gave him all our support. So I’m afraid that, yes, you would be very unreasonable to pressure him to choose a university close to home.

Unless you have a huge mortgage then it looks like you don't want to support your son rather than can't.

If you can't afford to help him then you need to have a conversation with him about this. The choice of where he goes should be his, but taking a gap year first and saving up to help pay for it might have to be a condition of this.

Living at home limits socialising, and a lot of the university experience consists of building connections that can be useful later in life.

I stayed at home as well. And while I have no student debt. I also feel like I missed out on a huge amount. I never ‘found my tribe’ at uni. If I had my time again I would go away.

Living at home for uni misses the whole point of it IMO. It's just not going to be the same experience at all. If he desperately wanted to stay at home that would be one thing, but the poor kid wants to spread his wings. You should have started saving long ago if you couldn't afford to top him up without doing that, the government assumes that on 90 grand you're definitely going to be able to help out. Oxford and Cambridge don't like students working term time either I don't think.

Have a look at the northern universities OP? Accommodation maybe cheaper.

This. DS can work a job. That’s how many students manage.

Our household income is similar. Only minimum loan. We are already from London so DC only get one year in halls. Rest will be at home.