AIBU for pressuring my son to apply to unis close to home?

I think you make a valid point here. We are living in a climate where money doesn’t go far at all. We don’t know what the OP’s outgoings are. So even a seemingly large combined salary, may not stretch to fund her DS’s studies.

Here could be anywhere, but the national picture speaks for itself - as you say, 70% live away from home. That is huge. I really doubt that most of those students, or even a third of them, will be from wealthy backgrounds.

Like I said in my earlier post, I didn't mention the OPs personal circumstances. I spoke about my daughter and how virtually everyone here is living at home now because people simply can't afford it.

That's our experience. And more and more students are following suit in an attempt to avoid soaring costs. Given that the Higher Education Policy Institute says even the maximum loan only covers 50% of costs then you can't blame them. People can't just magic up £10k when they are struggling with their own mortgage.

Living away is fast becoming the within the reach of the wealthy only.

There will absolutely be many households who have an income of £90k like the OP’s who have Range Rovers and go on all inclusive holidays.

I've said twice now its the norm HERE, you seemed to have missed that.

You also appear to be speaking from a position of privilege and have a lack of awareness. Range rovers and all inclusive holidays 🤣

This.

I think you’ve had a bit of a rough ride, OP. I recognise some of the most thoughtful and moderate posts from @clary and other regular contributors to the HE Board. But for my own reasons I join the consensus.

I have been assuming that DS is Y12.

In no particular order, here are some thoughts that have not been done to death above.

The Engineering course at Oxford is very well regarded but not specialised. In this sense Cambridge is indeed a better choice. The area is also full of tech companies and there is good potential for well paying summer employment.

If DS wants to earn during a gap year he will need to check whether each if his top choices permit this. It is slowly becoming more acceptable in STEM but many still do not.

You say DS could commute by car to Oxford in about an hour. If that is to the city, it is likely another 20-40 min to get where he needs to be. In very stressful traffic or a tiresome Park and Ride system. Plus parking fees! Now his commute is really more like three hours daily, which is very high on top of his long working hours.

Intercity train commuting has its own set of problems, and I write as one who knows.

You mentioned that living at home would be for later. But that’s when he is likely to have the most group work, and evenings are prime time for this. Also unless DS is teetotal -which about 25% of UGs are now - the need to drive home will severely affect his social life.

As a potential EE student DS may already be able to start earning. Perhaps this Xmas or sooner he could go into business helping people with their tech? I think even a HS pupil who is good with tech and reasonably personable and professional could easily command £20+/hr helping families to efficiently get their Xmas tech up and running.
Maybe do a couple of volunteer jobs for charities or even his school or college to get some good references first.

Southampton, where I don’t know CoL, Glasgow (where DS could likely do Y2 entry), Lancaster and Sheffield all have top EE programmes and CoL at the last three is quite reasonable, particularly at Sheffield. Leeds is also very good but perhaps a bit more expensive (?)

EE is a more stable field than many areas of tech with excellent prospects. I would support DS to the full extent practicable for your family circumstances. If DS is particularly concerned about employment, a degree programme offering a year’s industrial placement may be worth considering.

No matter where DS ends up I would expect him to be able to work during the summers.
Best wishes to him

Don't be a smother. Eeew.

When I was at Cambridge it was expected you’d live in student accommodation and be fully integrated into College life. One of the guys who studied my subject in my year was from Ely, which is nearby, but there would have been no question of his not living in College.

Sorry, but this is a cost that you have known for years is coming up.

I forgot to say, I commuted to uni because I was living with my boyfriend. I wish I'd lived in halls

My yp lives about 40 minutes drive away from their uni but still chose to live in halls. It's been brilliant for them, they have grown so much and their confidence increase has been amazing to see. However they knew that they would have to find their own outgoings. Their rent is covered by their loan, their food is covered by us but anything else has to be funded so they work during their holidays.

tbh @SassyBear2 depending on salary breakdown between parents, your HH take home will be between £5 and £6k per month. Even if you have other DC and a high mortgage, surely you can make it work to support your DS to the tune of £500-600 of that per month?

I don't think you have clarified which year he is in btw? Bc yr 12 or yr 13 makes a big difference – if yr 13 then this convo is pretty moot.

If the reason is financial, he can live in the cheapest accommodation available and live off of baked beans. I can sympathise if the reason is financial, but I'd certainly hope you'd only be "suggesting" instead of "pressuring".

If the reason is not financial, you are being absolutely and utterly ridiculous pressuring him.

Overall, YABU.

So it’s not the norm then, as in your own words 70% of students don’t live at home.

I would also suspect living at home would be much more common at lower tariff institutions. It’s certainly not common to have large numbers commuting at the likes of Durham, Edinburgh, Bristol or Nottingham.

The other factor is selfish parents who prioritise all inclusive in Turkey or new Range Rovers.

Because they have very intense terms and working wouldn’t be conducive to that.

Disgusting? Well life isn’t one straight easy path, is it? There are bumps, finances can take a hit, divorce, bankruptcy, job loss. Not everyone can?put cash aside for university “ top ups”.

I didn't comment on the OPs financial circumstances but its certainly the norm here to live at home.

Its now 30% nationally and that is double what it used to be.

Its all very well saying parents should take responsibility but if they can't afford it they can't afford it. Many are struggling to keep a roof over their own head let alone another household.

Not allowed? Why?

In my experience, living away for the first time is as equally important to the uni experience as the actual course.
Let him make his own decisions.
A 2-hour commute a day is long, and while perhaps tolerable in summer, would be miserable in winter. He'd also be completely cut off from any social life.

No - quite the opposite. Accommodation in college is much cheaper than private rentals, most colleges you only pay for term time, and you stay there for the whole length of your course. It can be very cheap indeed. Plus the universities have a lot of bursaries, then each college also has their own bursary available

@BeachLife2 was this very unnecessarily angry post intended for me?

Are you ok?

Did you read my post?

Why are you calling my lived experience “nonsense”?

My parents couldnt top me up - I was telling @SassyBear2 how i managed to plug
the gap.

YABVU. Let the poor lad do as he wishes.
If money is the concern, just lay out for him the extent you’ll be able to support him financially (or not). Then it’s up to him.
If he needs more than you can give, he’ll just have to get a job. Again, his choice.

At 17, your DS needs to start making his own decisions, OP. He will also get advice from school/college, where there are people dealing with university applications every year. Please let him be free to direct his own path in life, and stand back so he can talk to you freely about what he wants to do.

I do get that. Believe me I hate the current system so I’m not defending it but that’s the reality we have and have had for a long time now. It shouldn’t be coming as a shock.

If parents know or suspect their income means a child won’t get a full loan (which is too low to cover all costs anyway) then they need to try and think how they’ll plan for this.

Too many families start freaking out when their teen is in year 12 or even 13 about how to manage uni costs.

As has been pointed out, lots of students work but Oxbridge students can’t and many do long uni days.

I worked but couldn’t manage this on a full time placement which was a large part of years 2 and 3. It just wasn’t possible to do more than the odd shift.

That is nonsense as the system is based on the assumption that parents will help provide funding.

The OP’s household earns well above average and should be looking at how they can support her DS rather than limiting his options.