To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

Your son is safeguarding himself by not being able to acknowledge the magnitude of the trauma his dad inflicted on you. I do not think you can change this or force him to deal with something he has obviously put in a box. I think you can tell him that for you it is still very raw and you need to continue to protect yourself. He is building a relationship with his dad which is based on lies from his dad and one day he may see that. I do not think you need to go but I also think you need to think about how to say this to you ds. It may help to get some therapy to work through this.

My mother enabled severe child sexual abuse against me and one of my siblings. She's still with one of the men who were involved in it. He went to jail, came out, and she got back with him.

We have younger siblings who have not had the same experiences as us and for several reasons, still have quite normal contact with their mum and who they see as their stepdad. They are aware that we were taken away and that CSA was a factor, but for several reasons, they don't know the graphic details.

Yes they know the man who is with their mother has the convictions that he does. It's very complicated.

I still attend things of my siblings and their children where my mother and that man are present. I do that for my siblings for a multitude of reasons.

I don't have a relationship with her or him. I accept my siblings do and I maintain a relationship with them. I probably see my mother and him about once a year on average at something of my younger siblings.

So you best believe I'd take the same approach to be at my child's wedding.

Yep, I think the line of ‘I will never be disrespected again by a man, especially
one I have raised’ is powerful. I wouldn’t give for warning they you’re going to have this convo, give them an invite to dinner that’s all.

do you have a partner? Parents? Part of me feels that I wish you could turn up to the wedding and blank him with family support, so that he doesn’t he to that away from you.

im sorry, you deserve so much better.

I would speak to your son and fiancee.

I am not bitter. I am suffering trauma from historical repeated rape, stalking and harassment by your dad. I cannot and will not be excluded from your wedding because he wants to go. He is not allowed to work with children. He is a violent predator and I have shielded you from the worst of it as you were my child. Do you understand that your dad has no place here?

and dependent on what your son says will tell you everything.

She doesn’t have to do any of this. It’s completely false that she is making it about her. All survivors of rape and abuse can make their own choices, OP is not obliged to show her ex anything, not going does not mean that he defines her in any way.

All well and good - your decision. But OP doesn’t have to ‘show up’ for other family members by being in the same room as a man who raped her repeatedly. Other family members here are adults and perfectly capable of understanding why expecting her to do so is unreasonable and minimising of her experience and trauma at his hands. Why on earth would you support that ?

I wonder if the bride knows her father in law is a rapist? Do her parents know?

Do her parents also know their future son in law doesn’t think his mothers abuse is a big deal, and that he is happy to chose his father who was absent most of his live over his mother.

all massive red flags about the groom’s values. I would not be at all happy about my daughter marrying this man.

absolutely, this is extremely serious and your son and daughter in law have to know that any children they have would be at risk if they were around this man.

As for the rest, I am so sorry OP. You deserve peace and respect and your son needs to know the truth. What he chooses to do with it is up to him.

It’s irrelevant whether DS thinks he’s changed, even if he has changed - the important thing is what he put you through.

So yes, as everyone says, time for the unvarnished truth and firm boundaries.

I am going to go against the grian and say that not going would be a huge mistake. As awful as it sounds, you are making your DS's wedding about you when it should be about him.

As a survivor of rape, I absolutely understand the gut wrenching paralysis at the thought of having to be in the same space as the person who attacked you. But in the kindest way, you need to show that SOB that his actions do not define you or control you.

Ask DS if you can bring a friend, someone who you know will have you back. Get a beautiful outfit and walk in there with your head held high. Even if you have to fake it til you make it.

It is hardly about holding it together, or not causing a scene. It is about the OP's safety. She doesn't want to trigger another round of life threatening stalking. This man is a risk to all women, and potentially all (new) close female family members.

Unfortunately your son doesn’t respect you.

its time for clear and hard boundaries. Hard to do verbally so send this text:

Paul, I am so happy for you and truly want the best for you and your fiancé. However, I am afraid being on the same room as your father is a hard no from me. As you know that man abused me when I was child and for many years afterwards. The abuse was extreme and unforgivable. You are free to have whatever relationship you want with him but I cannot let him back into my life. I am of course hurt, and shocked, that you want him in your life when you know what he put me through. However, I respect your right to chose what relationship you have with him. I hope you can understand why this is a hard line for me and I also hope you can navigate a way through this that respects your relationship with me as well as your father.

@GiftBaggage what about extended family your parents, siblings, would they have your back?

Because I can't see the wedding as anything other than something his Dad is pushing to get close to you.
I can't see any other reason for the wedding to happen so quickly.

You've only met the GF once yet he's trying to get both families together. Really thats just odd!

I have some experience of this and I'd show up for my son. That's what I did and do in my situation. I show up for the other family members.

I agree with alicemk.

If I was his fiance I would want to have ALL of this info. She's about to marry a man who worships this abuser and is banned from working with children! I would be very surprised if she knows this last part! 😔

I'd sit them both down together, pop round to there's to do this if you have to. Lay it all out.

Say you'd love to be there for his big events, and you'd love to meet your future in laws, but won't be in the same space as your abuser and you won't be called bitter and disrespected.

I'm so sorry op. You are right to be angry.

Talking to a therapist a little about it is a good idea as this is bound to have stirred all this up for you emotionally.

😳 Are you the OP's ex?!? Wtf have I just read?!?

There is no way you work in the legal sector because I do and your post is so far removed from reality that it's simply shocking.

I was going to comment this, but you already said it OP about how much injustice there is that he's "won" and the abuse continuing by him attending the wedding and not you. I just want to say I'm so sorry for what you're continuing to go through. I'm a little shocked at your son suggesting a meet up with the in-laws and him, but you're doing the right thing by not fighting. I can't imagine the hurt and I would suggest some sort of counselling so you can process it all.
If I was your friend or family I would be disgusted to realise that his father was at the wedding and would totally understand why you couldn't go. Even without knowing you, I am disgusted by this. I have been to weddings though where the mother and father of the bride/groom were able to be successfully apart from each other in case the venue might make this possible. Sending all the love and support xx

But he's already going over to the dark side? (brush off about her being 'bitter')
He needs to know the basic facts & fiancee needs to know FIL is on SO register.
He may not respond very well. The OP may want to have therapy set up.

It seems that if this isn't addressed with him now, it will not have a happy ending anyway. Either he will become like his Father or he will 'realise' years too late.

By dong this, the OP is actually putting her son's wellbeing above hers (by risking the alienation that would be so painful for her). Like she has all his life.

Edit: I was reading the thread about missing pickup at school, I’ve no idea how I ended up posting on a totally different thread.

I don't think the OP should push the point. She risks alienating her son.

I think you just need to calmly explain to your son why you can’t put yourself through being near his dad. Tell him what he did to you in as factual and calm a way as possible. Then add that you would love to meet his in laws on another occasion. It’s up to him what he does from there.

“I know that he’s barred from working with children though.”

That in itself is a red flag. Why is he barred from working with children?

Sorry correction to my post late 90s into early 00s the same era and unacceptable then and now.

Similar experience with our son’s wedding and my ex-husband (sexually, physically and emotionally abusive. I was 17 when my mother got me involved with him - he was twice my age). I just got on with it, but did have nightmares and increased anxiety before and after the event. I was raised in an abusive and dysfunctional family where I was expected to just accept things. I knew I didn’t want to be around him but couldn’t bear the conversation or to upset my son.
No sense of my own boundaries either growing up so I’m not sure if what I did is to be recommended.

“I know that he’s barred from working with children though.”

OP, does your DS or your future DIL know this? It’s not fair to keep it from them, particularly your future DIL - I wouldn’t want my DC around a man who has this kind of history.
As far as meeting your DS’s girlfriend’s parents is concerned, why can’t you meet them separately from your ex? When my DC got married, I met the im-laws, but absolutely not with my ex-husband. I managed the weddings, but my DC made sure that we were on tables well away from each other. I can understand your DS wanting to meet his father - but not the way in which he seems to have simply ignored his absence from his upbringing.
As far as your DS’s wedding is concerned, you will have to do whatever you are comfortable with, but you can meet the in-laws and let your future DIL know how excited you are about the wedding. I can understand that you want to keep the more distressing details from your DS, but perhaps you should explain to your future DIL your reasons for not wanting to attend - I’m sure any woman would understand. At least then she will know that the reason you are not coming to the wedding is not because of any bad feelings towards her or your DS. I think a bride is entitled to be a little surprised if her boyfriend’s DM refuses to attend the wedding, but if she knows the reasons, I’m sure she’ll be understanding.