To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

Yes. I also fail to see why women are frequently put in a position where they are forced to pretend abuse didn’t happen.
Your son is adult enough to marry ?
So he is adult enough to understand that his father is an abuser and that he should protect his mother from contact with him.
His mum gave up most of her life for him while his father seriously attacked his mother then walked away from his son.

@GloryFades

the purpose of counselling is never to trick a persons mind and body into feeling comfortable and safe with someone who is dangerous. Op will feel anxious and scared around this man and that’s natural and normal, he has hurt her badly and is a dangerous man.

What therapist is going to suggest the OP meet her stalker rapist and risk him stalking her again, let alone it being at an event to celebrate her son bringing another woman into his orbit?

True, but if my mum told me she couldn’t make my wedding for personal reasons as a PP suggested, I’d likely deal with the disappointment by never involving her in my life again.

I think the only option to salvage a relationship with the son is to be honest.

It personally I would be seeking counselling with the objective of feeling safe and comfortable enough to go, but also giving myself permission not to attend if I didn’t get to that place.

That's your advice and that's fair. I'm just saying what I would TRY and do in that situation.

Which is totally different to OPs experience. Her son wasn’t abused and presumably your own circumstance was managed because everyone knew your abuser was a convicted sex offender. Not so the OP. The risk her is to her son and his future wife and any children they may have, because they’re not aware of the facts.

Given what you say happened to you and your siblings l’m not sure why you’re advocating for OP glossing over what happened to her in order to attend the wedding, and quietly accepting a convicted sex offender and child abuser being welcomed into her sons family unit, where he will undoubtedly have access to any future children.

@LuLuLemonDrizzleCake

No. OP needs to put herself and her needs first. It really is that simple.

Because women have been conditioned to do so for generations. It’s really depressing.

Yes I think there is some sort of power play going on.
I'm reading between the lines that the Father is pushing the wedding for his own agenda.

The average age of Groom in the UK is 37. Why is a 26 year old desperate to get married to a woman he's not long met?

If I'm right then Ops well out of the who thing. Her son will see the Dads true colours eventually.

I can't speak for the OP but yes, I personally would try and do it if I can.

I've experienced a different type of trauma so not underplaying it at all. I'm just saying that I would do everything I could to put my son first. I get that not everyone would do the same, and that's understandable.

Because the DS might, for whatever reason, still want a relationship with his father. He might be making the wrong decision.

In any case, forcing DS to choose is not going to end well. Ultimately if OP can't face it, she can't face it and that's understandable.

But the reason I said I would fight hard, is because I love my son to death and even if he is making a bad decision about continuing a relationship with his father, I still want to be part of his life.

I think your DS calling you ‘bitter’ may be significant. None of the young people I know use really this word, it sounds like something an older person would say, so I suspect he has heard his dad say it about you.
It’s a shame you don’t know his girlfriend better. If you’ve only met her once, she’s a virtual stranger, so I think sitting her down with him and bearing your soul to them both, as others have suggested, would be really difficult. How soon is the wedding? Is there time to get to know her better? Is there time for you to talk to your son gradually, in stages, rather than have ‘the big talk’ in one go?
I feel for you, you are in an impossible situation. But if push comes to shove, you must put yourself first, so no pre-wedding dinner with the in laws, and no wedding itself. If, once you have told your son the whole story, he still invites his dad, then he will have made that choice, not you. You don’t need to cut off contact for ever, and hopefully can have an ongoing relationship with him and his wife .

Hopefully the demonstrable fact that he is a convicted sex offender and banned from working with children will do the trick.

Are you really suggesting that OP should go into therapy and relive such traumatic experiences, just so she can attend their wedding? The clear solution here is to explain to DS and his fiancée what happened, and add that he is a convicted sex offender, banned from working with children. They can then decide whether they still want him in their lives and OP can do whatever she feels is right for her in the knowledge that they’ve made an informed decision. .

l simply don’t understand why any woman would tell another that she should put her own appalling experiences and lasting trauma aside to accommodate or appease anyone.

He likely won’t believe it or that it was that bad. His father has already played the charm card and will give a ‘she’s crazy’ explanation.

How big is the wedding going to be? Is there any scope for avoiding him? Realise this would require a certain size of wedding and I think you would need some friends/family supporting you who could tell him to go away if he tried approaching (so there is less pressure on you and you feel supported).

No, my relationships with my siblings which includes things like attending their weddings.

I take you read my post and saw I was abused as a child, too. The difficulty with just telling people like her son or my siblings everything, is yes, they may well decide to cut off the person. But that then denies them of the bond they have with that person, and it may well be objectively beneficial to them and free of the abuse that you endured.

Secondly, they may choose not to cut them off, and that will give you a lot of feelings. There is a bliss in the not knowing what they would do.

Yes. Parenting seems to be synonymous with constant approval and appeasement.

@LuLuLemonDrizzleCake

not sure why Op should be the one putting in all the graft and fight…we’re not talking about a little five year old here. This is a 26 year old man. If he wants to side with his father over his mother then he will, the onus is not on OP to stop that.

I’m so pleased to see the support you’ve received so far. This isn’t a case of sour grapes from a scorned ex wife. This man was your abuser. This disgusting man groomed you when you were barely a teenager. He continued to mentally abuse you, even after you’d physically broken free from him. Of course you can say no to being in the same place as him. And your son needs to know exactly why you’ve made this choice.
It must be extremely galling to have raised your son single-handedly to have him giddy with glee at being reunited with this shit stain of a human. I think I’d make my feelings known about that too.

Yes. Your son deserves to know what sort of man he is dragging back into your life.

OP was abused as a child and has only herself to consider because she was the only victim. She doesn’t want to be anywhere near him, let alone in the same room. That’s her decision and she’s not letting anyone down by sticking to it.

l think she should give her son and his fiancée all the relevant facts and let them decide whether they want to allow a convicted sex offender access to them and any future children they may have. If they do, that’s their decision, but having decided that they have to accept that OP needs to do whatever she feels is right for her, including not attending their wedding. Anything else is minimising her experience and the ongoing effects of it.

I'm sorry you're in this position OP.

I've not been through what you have but I do know that I would fight tooth and nail for my relationship with my son and I'd do everything I can to be at his wedding.

That probably means therapy for you and, as others have suggested, sitting down with him and his GF and telling them some of the headlines of what happened. I would also say that you want to do everything you can to be there for them, at the wedding and in future, but they need to understand that its going to be difficult for you and may need to adjust seating arrangements / photos etc accordingly.

I'm not sure I would do the pre wedding in law dinner if your Ex is there, but I'd really try to make it to the wedding.

@LoftyRobin

a wedding more important than your own trauma repair and mental health…?? Ok….