To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

I have also reported similar recent offensive posts and relieved to see MNHQ have just now deleted them.

It’s not him being a danger in the context of the wedding that OP needs to worry about. It’s re-establishing contact. He was convicted of stalking OP at one point in their relationship, and has clearly had convictions since which pose safeguarding issues. Putting aside the clear danger he poses to DS and his fiancée, and any family they may have, it’s not on OP to facilitate her DS’ relationship with his father. And why is the solution not DS asking his father not to attend the wedding, so that OP can ? Why, after everything OP has suffered at the hands of her ex, should she be the one to potentially traumatise herself all over again by allowing this piece of shit access to her again, just to appease her DS ? He’s clearly in thrall to his dad and I think there’s more than meets the eye here.

That makes a lot of sense. Given the rules, I'm trying not to say too much but I'm surmising that they're posting from a different timezone.

They won’t know they’re ’availing themselves to facts’. They’ll know allegations are being made, those are very easily, and very often, dismissed as lies (incidentally, making the accused a figure of sympathy).

OP loves her son, and it doesn’t seem like estrangement from him and his future family is something she wants. Again, she is the one that has to live with the consequences of whatever action she takes. Only she can decide whether the price of trying to expose her ex is one she is willing to pay. OP is vulnerable, and she needs to prioritize her own mental health and make the decisions that are right for her, not the decisions that others think are right for her.

Is it fair and right that her son isn’t on her side? That her ex is unlikely to ever face justice for what he did to her? No, not at all. Unfortunately, we live in a world where it’s unlikely she’ll get those things, and this is the world she has to navigate.

And if/when the unthinkable happens and her ex either assaults her DiL or abuses their future children ? What then ? Do you think OP will have any kind of a relationship with her DS’s family when they inevitably discover that she had full knowledge of the risk he posed and kept quiet ?

Agree. There are facts that DS and his wife should be privy to. It’s a safeguarding issue and a degree of safeguarding is something from which this poster’s family benefited, so I can’t for the life of me fathom why they are advocating denying OP’s family the same opportunity.

Why would this blow up if the OP handled it with professional support in a factual calm matter as has been recommended repeatedly on this thread?

Why would the son be shamed by his DF criminal actions?

Why would anyone accuse the OP of lying when there is documented criminal evidence of some of his SA crimes against children and against her?

It needs to be handled very carefully with direction from professionals on the likely impact
on the DS. However he is also an indirect victim of his abusive father’s manipulation so this needs to be considered and accounted for.

I also reported that poster and Mumsnet said they would take a look but the post is still there, unfortunately. They are on a number of other threads giving unhelpful and goady responses.

It’s like banging your head against a brick wall isn’t it ? OP is in a no win situation. If she tells them she risks alienating them, if she doesn’t tell them she risks something awful happening to either her DiL or any children they have, not to mention the fallout when they inevitably find out that she knew the truth and kept quiet. The responsible thing to do would be to ask for a search on Clares Law and present it to DS for him to do with as he will.

But they consequences of them trusting him around future children could be huge. They need the full picture to understand what they are potentially exposing them to. If I was the fiance in this situation I would want to know. The man is clearly a potential danger.

So OP needs to sit him down and tell him the worst of it. This is a rapist we’re talking about, not to mention a child abuser. He’s on the sex offenders’ register and banned from working with children for a reason. DS and his future wife need all the information to hand to make an informed decision on whether to continue to allow him into their lives, and to protect themselves and any future children they may have. If OP keeps quiet and the unthinkable happens what do you think will happen when her DS finds out she knew the truth and kept quiet ?

I was wondering this, too. It would be great if OP were able to prosecute him for what he did, although I know this would be a tall order.

But that's one day to ensure he can't be at the wedding - because he'd be in jail!

If OP’s son is prepared to allow his dad back into his life, despite everything he did to his own mother, and is trying to facilitate a relationship between his mother and her rapist to make his own life easier, then I’d say she hasn’t got a relationship with him. If there is proof that her ex is a convicted sex offender then I don’t see how she can be easily dismissed as bitter and crazy. Her son and his fiancée have two choices. They can stick with dad, risk estranging OP and put any future children in harms’ way, or they can avail themselves of the facts and make an informed decision. Either way it’s not for OP to facilitate by facing her abuser if she doesn’t want to. I simply cannot believe the amount of posters here advising what’s basicallly a compromise to appease her family. It’s disgusting.

This is what people don't understand. And the fact they'd go to his wife's family and tell them is just unbelievable to me. It's up to the son what he wants to share. Yes he does have an obligation to protect children and the like, but he can do that without disclosing things he doesn't want to disclose.

It is not an obligation at all.

Instead of OP being believed and getting justice as everyone turned on her ex and shamed her son, such an action would almost certainly result in her being dismissed as the bitter, crazy, and lying ex intent on causing trouble. It would almost certainly result in estrangement from her son, DIL and future grandchildren, possibly a permanent one.

It’s easy to say ‘fuck them, blow it all up’ as someone on the outside, but this is OP’s life, and she is the one that would have to live with the consequences. Op should only do that if she’s prepared to lose her relationship with her son.

How naive are some people that sexual abusers outgrow their urges🙄.
Unbelievable.
How many grandfathers have been accuse?
Elderly opportunistic elderly uncles.

Perverted paedophile pigs, never outgrown their urges.
His father is a rapist, always will be.

Yes and the son is aware his dad abused his mum. He just doesn't know exact details.

From the OP:

"He knows about some of the things that happened but probably not the worst of it."

That's the same as my siblings.

So can you now admit that you don't know what the fuck you are talking about and stop speculating on situations that you seemingly have no personal experience with at all?

I second this wholeheartedly, OP. Sending you lots and lots of hugs. 💐

I'm sorry your DS doesn't understand. You can't put a young head on old shoulders, unfortunately.

I would tell your DS and his fiancee in person why you can't be around that piece of xxx. And I would draw your line in the sand with this wedding, otherwise you'll be expected to be at all the future family events with him. You'll just have to celebrate things separately, and they will have to accept that. I think it's important that your DIL knows why, and I wouldn't entrust that communication to him. Sit them both down, tell them exactly how it was, and how it's going to be in future as regards you and Piece of XXX. Take your power back.

I know you might feel awkward telling DIL, but she's going to be family and the other of your future DGC, potentially. Don't let DS make out to her that you're just being difficult for the sake of it. She needs to know - both of them do - and she might become your ally.

Sending you so many hugs xxxx

Your action would not be vindictive. It would be a safeguarding obligation.

Np, but that post suggests he won't be dangerous, when he clearly is a very dangerous man.

But you said yourself that your siblings were aware that you and your other sibling were removed from the family due to CSA by this man.

That he then served time for CSA which they obviously were aware of. He was then released and your DM took him back and they have resumed a relationship with him. If you are nitpicking on ‘full-disclosure’ they presumably have access to court records etc. but a custodial sentence and removal of siblings from their home would indicate the gravity of his crimes if not the detail.

So this is not the same situation at all where the DS seemingly has zero insight into the CSA crimes of his DF.

Well yes, but the OP doesn’t have the power to stop the Dad attending.

I would think there may quite likely be young and vulnerable girls at a wedding, especially if it goes on late into the night and people have been drinking.

It seems to me that the DS has already prioritised having his father (together with whatever advantages that brings to both) back in his life over his mother’s wellbeing and safety. That is an unusual choice and demonstrates a lack of empathy, if nothing else. I would be concerned about divulging more of my own trauma to a DS who isn’t receptive at this point. Is this something that could be turned back on her? Would the DS minimising her experience be even more painful? Would he speak to his father and he claim she was lying? I think that OP has a right to protect herself.

Sad to say but the OP is possibly still at risk from this man; he would hardly be likely to make the experience easy for her by respecting her space and need to avoid interacting with him. That her son has put his mother in this situation is appalling. He has quite possibly also not been completely honest with his fiancée about his father and mother and their history. There is something jarring to me about his rush to marry and the OP only having met her son’s partner once.

Personally, if my son accused me of simply being bitter about past trauma I would wipe the floor with him. I would ask him just what kind of world he lives in where a victim is expected to sit meekly and play happy families with their rapist/abuser. What kind of privileged position does he hold where he deems this acceptable or desirable? There is something truly abhorrent about his dismissal. I think the OP has picked up on that and is frightened by it. I understand that the situation is complicated because this is his father, however, OP’s son needs to be asked to examine his own motivations rather than putting all the responsibility onto his mother. He has had a difficult background but it doesn’t give him carte blanche to perpetuate the distress of his mother for his own benefit.

Yes, putting grievances and relationship betrayals aside can sometimes work for the overall good but this is in a different league. It isn’t really just about a wedding but about OP’s son respecting her abuse and her need to keep herself safe from further trauma, even if he does still want to pursue his own relationship with his father.

I think it will be very hard, but for the safety of future grandchildren I would make sure that he and his future wife know the whole truth as soon as possible. Your ds may be easily fooled, but she may not be so happy to welcome a rapist into a future child's life.