To miss DS’s wedding? *trigger warning*, concerns rape

I think understanding that it is up to the.victim is resolved trauma. Insisting that the victim blow up their whole family and that is the only right thing to do frankly shows a lack of experience with the subject in hand. But don't worry, people with no fucking clue often insist on making themselves heard.

I think understanding that it is up to the.victim is resolved trauma. Insisting that the victim blow up their whole family and that is the only right thing to do frankly shows a lack of experience with the subject in hand. But don't worry, people with no fucking clue often insist on making themselves heard.

OP was presumably with this man before his convictions, hasn’t said he was charged for anything against children (as of yet) so may wrongly presume that means he isn’t allowed to work around children or vulnerable people. If it’s a drip feed and he has been charged for offences RE children then yes that would make more sense.

You are projecting a lot on this thread, and it’s usually unresolved trauma

And if/when the unthinkable happens and her ex either assaults her DiL or abuses their future children ? What then ? Do you think OP will have any kind of a relationship with her DS’s family when they inevitably discover that she had full knowledge of the risk he posed and kept quiet ?

No that isnt the right thing to do in every situation. It is very individualised and the victim's needs come first.

So OP needs to sit him down and tell him the worst of it. This is a rapist we’re talking about, not to mention a child abuser. He’s on the sex offenders’ register and banned from working with children for a reason. DS and his future wife need all the information to hand to make an informed decision on whether to continue to allow him into their lives, and to protect themselves and any future children they may have. If OP keeps quiet and the unthinkable happens what do you think will happen when her DS finds out she knew the truth and kept quiet ?

I am going to go against the grian and say that not going would be a huge mistake. As awful as it sounds, you are making your DS's wedding about you when it should be about him.

As a survivor of rape, I absolutely understand the gut wrenching paralysis at the thought of having to be in the same space as the person who attacked you. But in the kindest way, you need to show that SOB that his actions do not define you or control you.

Ask DS if you can bring a friend, someone who you know will have you back. Get a beautiful outfit and walk in there with your head held high. Even if you have to fake it til you make it.

Therapy to help think through the decision, consider how to reconcile things with her son?

Like I said, I'm not a therapist so cannot claim to know what one would say. You clearly are a therapist though.

Burglars aren't banned from working with children.

@HairyCherry, you're an apologist, aren't you? I know it's good to see two sides of a story but you take that to its extreme, don't you? I've noticed you on threads, giving the benefit of the doubt in some really dodgy scenarios.

I think people are referring to where she says, "I know that he’s barred from working with children though."

Where has OP said that he’s a convicted pedophile?

No one needs therapy to go to a wedding that could reactivate stalking by rapist is the point.

Didn't know you were qualified to know whether OP needs therapy about the wedding, but ok.

They won’t know they’re ’availing themselves to facts’. They’ll know allegations are being made, those are very easily, and very often, dismissed as lies (incidentally, making the accused a figure of sympathy).

But that’s not the situation here at all.

The DF has a criminal record for CSA - that’s not an allegation - it’s shown he is a proven convicted paedophile - there will be documented court evidence that can’t be dismissed as lies.

Why would this blow up if the OP handled it with professional support in a factual calm matter as has been recommended repeatedly on this thread?

Why would the son be shamed by his DF criminal actions?

Why would anyone accuse the OP of lying when there is documented criminal evidence of some of his SA crimes against children and against her?

It needs to be handled very carefully with direction from professionals on the likely impact
on the DS. However he is also an indirect victim of his abusive father’s manipulation so this needs to be considered and accounted for.

No they haven’t. Stop lying

I have also reported similar recent offensive posts and relieved to see MNHQ have just now deleted them.

They won’t know they’re ’availing themselves to facts’. They’ll know allegations are being made, those are very easily, and very often, dismissed as lies (incidentally, making the accused a figure of sympathy).

OP loves her son, and it doesn’t seem like estrangement from him and his future family is something she wants. Again, she is the one that has to live with the consequences of whatever action she takes. Only she can decide whether the price of trying to expose her ex is one she is willing to pay. OP is vulnerable, and she needs to prioritize her own mental health and make the decisions that are right for her, not the decisions that others think are right for her.

Is it fair and right that her son isn’t on her side? That her ex is unlikely to ever face justice for what he did to her? No, not at all. Unfortunately, we live in a world where it’s unlikely she’ll get those things, and this is the world she has to navigate.

They won’t know they’re ’availing themselves to facts’. They’ll know allegations are being made, those are very easily, and very often, dismissed as lies (incidentally, making the accused a figure of sympathy).

OP loves her son, and it doesn’t seem like estrangement from him and his future family is something she wants. Again, she is the one that has to live with the consequences of whatever action she takes. Only she can decide whether the price of trying to expose her ex is one she is willing to pay. OP is vulnerable, and she needs to prioritize her own mental health and make the decisions that are right for her, not the decisions that others think are right for her.

Is it fair and right that her son isn’t on her side? That her ex is unlikely to ever face justice for what he did to her? No, not at all. Unfortunately, we live in a world where it’s unlikely she’ll get those things, and this is the world she has to navigate.

And if/when the unthinkable happens and her ex either assaults her DiL or abuses their future children ? What then ? Do you think OP will have any kind of a relationship with her DS’s family when they inevitably discover that she had full knowledge of the risk he posed and kept quiet ?